Charging Through Life

We are hours away from 2011 and I am so very excited. My mind can get very compartmentalized and oriented to steps and timeframes. It's a fault I'm working on. Because while I can see the overall picture and the steps necessary for completion, there are times when I get stuck on a step and can not get around it. Starting points are also quite big for me. And 2011, it seems, has been build up as a major starting point in my head. Like a runner positioned in his starting blocks, I am ready to get going on my journey, but must first wait for the gun to go off and the ball to drop.

I see 2011 as my construction year. As we know, 2009 was when much of my life fell apart, and the house was still crumbling a bit into 2010. But the adjusters have come to see me late this past year and I have a fresh new plan to start my life anew. Every action I take in 2011 will be for the purpose of constructing a new existence unrecognizable to the failed one that was based on a blueprint of conventional thinking.

My umbrella goal is to turn myself into a Power Gay; the successful, well-rounded achiever who excels at all his endeavors. But that is an overall life goal that I will forever be striving for. To move me a step closer I must begin by constructing an entirely new existence. And I see it culminating throughout 2011 in 4 key areas:

1. Body
2. Spirit
3. Social
4. Mind

What kind of homo are you? Our little 10% community is quite a diverse one. There are twinks, bears, gym rats, Asian queens, drag queens, tired queens, otters, gaymers, Stepford Fags, activists, leather daddies, trannies, bar trash, sugar daddy, daters, haters, and masturbaters. We are a colorful bunch with many distinctions.

Last weekend I went to a holiday party thrown by my friends Josh & Philip. It's an annual gala affair that brings out the crème de la crème of the Hollywood queers. Josh & Philip are major players and their lives reflect that. They have a massive house: there's a room for the baby-grand, a room for just a fireplace, and a room for books. They have awesome careers that they earned by graduating with honors from top institutions. And they are well-rounded with a variety of interests including world travel, rock climbing, and exotic yoga retreats; yet they remain grounded and genuine to all their friends. Josh & Philip, along with a significant number of those in attendance at this holiday party, are what you would call "Power Gays!"

My Power Gay friend showing off a little on holiday in Bali. Seriously, powerful.

A Power Gay is the Maybach of the homo family. They are successful, shiny, and exclusive. But unlike a high-priced car, the Power Gay remains approachable, grounded, interesting, genuine, and well-rounded. Sure you'll see a Power Gay at the occasional circuit event jumping around shirtless with his perfectly chiseled chest; but he never goes overboard or get's trashy. The Power Gay may be interested in having a night of fun with all his friends, but he will also get up the next day for his group exercise class, yoga, run, or art tour.

A leader in the community, Power Gay's perform charity work and are recognized for their good deeds; yet being gay does not define them and they have interests outside of the community. Highly successful and competitive, a Power Gay does spend a considerable amount of time at his office where he is no doubt CEO, EVP, CMO, or some other combination of a 3-letter title. But you will also find that a Power Gay spends an above-average amount of time on adventurous vacations in history-rich cities that don't have English-speaking tour busses.

Not to confuse you though, a Power Gay can also earn the title through ingenious creativity, activism, and community respect - and not posses the corporate gig or vacations. Let me be clear, tons of money and an expensive wardrobe does not a Power Gay make. It's not about wealth or influence. It's about an overall presence, drive, and character. You can't be a Power Gay if you're an asshole or elitist; and you can't be a Power Gay just because your popular and can blow your way into any club you want.

Simply put, Power Gays excel at everything they do. They amplify all the best qualities inherent to every homosexual.

Every gay person is special and every gay person, by nature of our struggles, has a power within ourselves to draw upon during the dark and troublesome times of our lives. That inner-queer light is a given trait we each have earned through our trying experiences. But it's the Power Gay who is able to tap into that core queer being and ignite it until it radiates from himself and shines upon others with a positive influence. He takes all the powers and traits of his inner homo-being and lives a life of uncompromising excellence, setting a standard for himself and for others.

I saw many fine examples of Power Gays this past weekend and I see some great examples all throughout our community. These pillars have inspired me. Their light has hit me in a new way. A year ago I was emotionally a million miles from where I am today with little confidence in my abilities and was rather jealous of the people at this same party. But only a year later so many things have changed; I have shed much of the negative baggage I once carried.

Though it will be a struggle and something I may never obtain, I vow in 2011 to begin my quest towards becoming my own Power Gay in life! Like any noble quest, I may never achieve victory, nor may I realize if and when I do. But it is simply the quest to become a Power Gay that I feel I must now journey in order to achieve my goals and become my best queer-self.

Who among you is Man enough to join me on this noblest of quests?

Funny thing about year-in-reviews and New Years Resolutions, you don't know what to expect in the future - what obstacles and surprises life has waiting for you. About this time last year I took a moment to, not only reflect on the previous year, but also make some plans for 2010. I called it my 10 for X list, a set of healthy choices I wanted to make more often than not for myself. I had no way of predicting, at that time, how things would turn out in 2010. Getting fired, being threatened with foreclosure, launching a consulting business, starting an internet corporation - none of this was on my radar. All I could do during this time last year was to set out some goals and dreams for the months ahead.

And it starts again. I don't know if anyone actually reads this blog, but even I'm tired of listening to me talk about today's topic: exercise. I get all pumped up and proclaim in a big way that I'm going to transform my body into a hot, sexy, ripped gay machine only to get distracted a few weeks into my new fitness routine. Yet as it was with so many blog entries before this, today I will be making yet another grand statement proclaiming big plans for my improved health and fitness (feel free to use this time to think about your own life and goals because, folks, you've heard all this before from me).

It has been 3 years, 9 months, and 6 days since I was first introduced to P90X when I was hired by Beachbody. And in that entire time I have yet to complete the 90-day program! Oh, sure, I've started it more times than I care to think - I've just never finished it. Something distracts me, I get stressed out, I see something shiny to play with.... who knows what my problem is. It has also been 6 months and 5 days since I hit a gym of any kind including Barry's Bootcamp. Obviously, lately I have not had the proper focus for.... hey look at this cool, pretty thing!

So after putting on some extra weight and having KC point out that my gut is starting to look like my Dad's, I've realized that it's time to get back to work! I started out on Saturday with the P90X "Cardio X." Not a particularly difficult program; it has a little bit of everything from yoga, kempo, and core. Easy peasey. But sunday morning I was woken up by my sore muscles -- like the kind of pain I would expect after an intense bootcamp workout, not a few minutes of fucking Cardio!

But sticking to it, I popped in P90X "Kenpo" on Sunday. I've never done this disc; I've never stuck with the program long enough to make it to this one. Kenpo is all martial arts punch and kick training. No weights, no resistance, just punching air. I quickly found out that I don't know how to throw a punch - I punch like a girl! But I stuck with it and didn't give up.

This morning, more sore muscles. Seriously, what is this? The fucking air kicked my ass! What?

I popped in P90X "Shoulders & Back" and grabbed my 20lbs weights which use to be no problem to wield through the full workout. Half-way through I had to drop down to 10lbs.  I am SUCH a little girl!

What is the lesson in all this? Exercise is like breathing: you really can't stop for too long or else you're going to find yourself in trouble. So I am gong to take a deep breath and push through the pain this week and ramp up to a very serious workout schedule. My plan is to get myself up to 2-hours a day and keep that up (as much as possible) until my birthday at the end of May. For my 35th birthday I want to do a sexy photo shoot with celebrity photographer Adam Bouska. And one of the photos will be me wearing boxing gloves or something hot and manly (provided I learn how to throw a punch by then).

Until that time, I am going to stay resilient, do the work, stay motivated and know that tomorrow I'm going to be in so much pain.

It's been 10 days and I have finally crawled out of the desert onto the other side. I have finished The Master Cleanse detox diet. I had mentioned that this extreme detox process is fraught with opinion and controversy so best to just experience it for myself. Well I experienced it alright. If you are considering something like this I can honestly tell you this one caution: be prepared to be hungry! I have never thought about food more than during these past 10 days. And like a crazy pregnant woman with odd cravings, I have thought about (and dreamed about) foods that normally I don't desire.

Did I loose weight? Yes.
Did I eliminate toxins? Yes.
Did I do my body good? Yes.
Did I want a burger a fries the whole time? Yes!

I don't know that I can honestly recommend this for everyone and I'm not certain I'll do it again. There is a commitment level to completing it that is challenging. And although I feel fantastic and have learned some things about my body, the payoff may not have been worth all the trouble. Throughout the process I experienced emotional swings where I was empowered to make great improvements one part of the day, and then felt like giving up another part of the day. I also sorta isolated myself from the outside because there was food and alcohol out there that I couldn't enjoy. Friends went to the movies without me, for example.

I have learned that I use food as a source of entertainment. It is something to fill the void. Sitting in my condo all day working (or trying to work) I use to let my stomach be the boss. Also, I am easily distracted, so if I got bored working or needed to take a break I would simply go and grab something to eat. Sometimes I would eat a meal just because it was "about that time."

I also learned that I often will talk myself out of better choices. Before, when I was hungry and looking around the kitchen, part of my brain would be saying, "make a salad - it's healthy," while the other side of my brain would say, "fuck it - you've got a box of mac & cheese sitting right there." Guess which side would win? Completing this process has made me more aware of these habits so I will hopefully make better conscious choices in the future.

After 10 days of eating a bushel of lemons I can say that, yea, I lost some weight. However it's not a substitute for the gym and a good diet.

One of the main reasons I decided to do this was to loose a little bit of weight. Because of my "fuck it" attitude of the past few months, my belly region had expanded and I was not pleased. I am happy to report that my gut has gone down, though it's still not flat and ripped like I dream it should be. The other thing I've learned is that The Master Cleanse is not a substitute for exercise. Rather than being a quick-fix solution, it should be thought of as a jump-start jolt to a better lifestyle. And I'm absolutely committing myself to that mindset.

If you are considering The Master Cleanse I have a couple of helpful suggestions for you.

1. Have a buddy. This is not something to do on your own because misery loves company.
2. Do it for the right reasons. This should be used as a jump-start to better choices and eating more whole foods cooked from home. If you're just going to run back out to Burger King afterwords, or can only cook with Hamburger Helper, then don't bother.

 The biggest takeaway from this experience is a since of accomplishment. I experienced something very difficult to do and saw it through to completion. Come on, I was basically starving myself for the past 10 days on purpose and didn't give up. It's another example for me to recall on when faced with uncertainty or hesitation in life that that will remind me that I am bigger than I sometimes give myself credit for and I WILL do anything I set my mind to.

Now, can somebody now please find me damn muffin!

People said I was crazy to do the 10-day Master Cleanse. Here on day 3, I wonder if they may be right. It has been a rather difficult day mentally for me. My emotions have run the gamut from empowered to depressed. I've spent the day alone wanting to be productive and accomplish some work, but instead I've mostly sat around by myself wanting to munch on something.

I began to question my motives for doing this cleanse when it hit me... this is only day 3! If I can't stick to something for more than 3 days then there is something very wrong here. I am no stranger to change and I'm only changing myself for 10 stupid days. It should be a piece of cake.
(yummmmmmm cake)

It's really more a matter of habits. I am in the habit of eating solid foods. I am in the habit of being comforted by food. I am in the habit using food as a source of entertainment outside of the home. And it's because of these habits that I must complete The Master Cleanse.

These bad habits need to be flushed out of me like the toxins that have accumulated from years of consuming processed food. Hopefully, upon the conclusion of this experience, I will see a new slate upon which to scribe new habits for myself. No sodas, fresh juice, more vegetables, complex carbs. Sounds simple enough to do, but when you are mired in habits that are convenient, you need something significant to initiate even simple changes.

But you can be damn sure that I fully intend on treating myself to a cheeseburger after all this shit! (hopefully I'll choose to use ground turkey for a change)

If anyone is actually out there reading this blog (and I sometimes question that) you'll notice a few themes that have run rampant this past year: money, relationships and weight.

Now anyone who knows me will probably describe me as a skinny bitch who looks 10 years younger than he is. (to which I say, "fabulous!") If there is one thing I have learned in my years as a gay man it's how to bat a smile to divert attention from the things I don't want you to see. Like a magician, I distract you with one hand while covering my belly with the other.

But I am becoming more increasingly aware that I am now, in fact, 34, single, maturing, and not at my optimal/ideal weight and/or self. It is with this in-mind that I have started the 10-day "Master Cleanse" detox (and hopefully diet). It is a somewhat gross sounding regiment where you replace all foods with a lemonade concoction for ten days, and then begin re-introducing food into your system for 3 more days. It is fraught with opinion and controversy on the internet and among friends who all will give you an opinion. Even I once persuaded a friend against doing it. But then, what the hell.

This is day 1 and the reason I am performing this cleanse.  It is also the only time you will see such a horrible photo of me.

I'm using this as a stepping-off point for my healthy life. You see, after I was fired I was very much motivated to get into the best shape of my life by eliminating processed foods, and having a better since of what I put into my body. And for the first two months things went great. But I get distracted easily and became unfocused. The Master Cleanse is my attempt to reinvigorate that drive in my appearance; which should then lead to better choices and increased confidence.

Of course people are persuading me against it. Of course there are experts online who speak and write about the body's fantastic waste management capacity and that a gimmick such as this does no actual good and could even harm you. Of course it's a damn inconvenience to be social while you are doing this; last night there was cake and tonight there will be drinks and snacks.

But I look at this as one of life's experiences. There are a lot of opinion out in the world, some of them sound and some of them shit. But I'm finding most opinions to be gray and generalized. Nobody truly has any answers. To fully understand something you must experience it. And when else in my lifetime will I have the opportunity to experience controversial things like: leaving a job that I dislike, starting a new career from scratch, re-defining my friendships to more healthy ones, and trying to drop 10+ pounds in ten days on a cleansing fast.

If you are actually out there reading this, stay tuned and see what I look like in ten days - and if I can continue making myself a more healthy me afterwords.

There comes a time in every TV sitcom's life where all the writers ditch work and the producer's only option is to do a year-in-review show. Something cheesy, that you only need one editor and some past episodes to compile, and someting that reminds everyone how far the characters have come in a year. So with that in-mind, Ladies and Gentlemen I give you my 1 year blog-in-review entry!!!!!!!!

Yes it has been one year since I started writing "Charging Through Life." Originally, you may recall, the blog had a stupid lame name, "33 going on 40." Boooooo. You also might remember the inspiration for starting this whole thing came from an impending doom on my life. I was contemplating bankruptcy, I had just had "major fight #1" with my then best friend. And I was getting my ass handed to me at Beachbody. It was the most stressed out time in my life - which is saying something - because my financial snapshot was shot. Let's take a look:

• • On Aug. 8, 2009 I was carrying 3-times as much debt as I had cash-on-hand. I was $38,277 in the red and could only see to find $10,404 in assets.
• • One year later my debt is completely eliminated and I have $22,760.45 in liquid assets.

Money was clearly a big challenge in my life a year ago. But fueling that challenge was my job at Beachbody. I was stuck and not growing or being challenged. And I was lost, unsure of what I could do that would make me happy. I knew how to "play the game" and be a good employee, I just didn't know that I wasn't playing it. Overall, I was certain that my life needed to change, I just had no direction on how to do it. Let's see what has changed:

• On Aug. 22 & Oct. 12 I expressed how lost I felt and wondered how anyone ever discovers the correct route to take in life for career/life satisfaction. Then on Nov. 16 I got a wake-up call at work that got me thinking, though probably not in the way my boss thought it would.
• Today I am out of corporate life and have launched my own freelance company with four clients to-date. There is definitely a direction in my life: up. And I recognize more than ever how talented, smart, and creative I am and how to begin translating that into a career.

There were two major events that set into motion most of the improvements I've gained throughout this past year. The first was taking a leap of faith over to The Valley followed a couple months later by bringing myself back to zero. The second major event was realizing that all I had to do was to just lie a little, but understanding that it wasn't going to make me happy.

• On Aug. 24 I met with a bankruptcy attorney and began a process that took me to debt-free on Sept. 26. Then the next year on March 25 I was finally fired from Beachbody.
• Today I remain debt-free (of course I can't qualify for credit yet but I'm working on it). And I have more satisfaction in working for myself than ever in my career before.

Wackiness was never in short-supply around me this past year. I've tried and experimented with many new things like looking for a spiritual path for my life, gazing at the stars for answers, finding a new cheerleader in my life, and seeing if money could possibly grow on trees. What I've learned in all this was to just go for it in life and try what is different, new and scary. You're going to get knocked down a bit, but that's OK.

Folks, we have successfully completed season one! And I think we have all learned a little, laughed a little, and discovered some new things about ourselves. Be sure to join us again next year when we take a look back at some fantastic new adventures that are certain to keep you entertained all this coming year. Until then, I'm Sam Watkins. Good Night.

Once upon a time there was a plucky little gay boy named Sam who was on top of the world. You see, Sam had just been freed from a horrible, wicked existence that he had been trapped in for years. Sam had been in a dead-end job. But, because Sam was a crafty little gay boy, he was able to escape from that reality. And oh how happy, driven, and adventurous Sam felt when he did finally escape! He saw a whole world of possibilities and was going to start exploring them and living them.  It was a grand time and a grand adventure for the plucky little gay boy named Sam.

I vaguely recall that fairy tale. It was sweet. I certainly enjoyed the heroism of the plucky little gay boy.... whatever his name was. He saw opportunity and was going to make his new life Incredible. I wonder how well he did with all that?

Well he started out good, certainly. He was very accomplished those first few months and very busy with his exciting new life. But now......
it's been three months since I stopped hitting bootcamp daily,
it's been three months since I stopped tracking my weight and eating well,
it's been three months since I set and achieved goals and daily tasks to improve my situation.

In these past three months I've gained noticeable weight, started drinking soda again, have become reclusive and shy in my house, and am overall apathetic towards my future or any prospects for work.

Sure it's true that every fairy tail needs a villain, I just didn't realize the villain in this story would be me and my own dwindling drive to accomplish things. I've given up one "horrible, wicked existence" working at Beachbody and simply replaced it with another -- not working.

Most days I'll scroll through other people's Facebook postings to see what fun, amazing things they are dong. For instance, Troy & Craig are off enjoying a private cabana today in Vegas.  Oh, look at all the boys who are cheering for "Sunday Funday" at their favorite gay bar today. And like Rapunzel, I just sit in my room gazing through this "window" of mine waiting for someone to come rescue me.
Well now that's just fucking retarded, Sam.

Nobody is going to come 'save' me and just hand me the keys to a castle and this great fairy tale life I'm dreaming up. If I'm going to have anything happen I've got to MAKE it happen. The plucky little gay boy in the fairy tale knew that. So what happened to him? Where's his plucky little drive gone?

I feel as though I'm cursed with boredom. I must have taken a bite out of a poisoned apple, because I've just been lying around for months not doing anything.

Alright, it's clear that there's no Prince Charming coming on a horse to deliver me a hot kiss or something great to do with my life. I don't know why I was expecting him to show up when I know the only solution is for me to sprinkle some fairy dust on my fat ass and get moving.

I'm going to check back in on the plucky little gay boy in three months time from now. By November 1st I want to have achieved 5 goals for myself. They are:

1. To complete a 90-day fitness routine that consists of bootcamp, P90X, and yoga classes
2. To be eating more clean, nutritious meals made from home
3. To be bringing in supplemental income through freelance work or a new job
4. To maintain a daily routine of house chores, exercise, and office work
5. To have "improved" myself through new reading/learning assignments and new friends

To Be Continued....

I can tell you that one obstacle to being unemployed, besides having a lot of spare time on your hands, is that you loose track of the days. The difference between a Monday and a Thursday is fairly indistinguishable to me. So the fact that today marks the half-way point of the year almost escaped me.

Today I hit one of those small goals on my way to the New Sam; I completed my first month of Barry's Bootcamp known as The Academy!

It may come to be known as the toughest part of my physical transformation. In those first few weeks I had terrible trouble keeping up on the treadmill, I experienced the most excruciating shin splints I've ever known, I had trouble with lighter weights that should have been easy for me, and I constantly felt lost during class. But I kept going every day and I kept pushing myself. I made some nice friends and started choosing heavier weights.

Today I'm running further and faster on the treadmill and pushing 30 to 35lb free weight dumbbells in the various exercises. People in my everyday life have been encouraging me all along but now they are starting to tell me they see results showing. I can't say that I see these changes as of yet, but I'm starting to feel them.

This first month of exercising, for me, was all about proving to myself that I can do this. It was about fixing and reenforcing my foundation so I have strong muscles and strong emotions to continue building upon. And it was about getting my body use to the idea of pushing harder and feeling stronger while shedding fat. I've followed through with the commitment I made of getting up every morning (even though I really don't half to) and getting myself to the gym. I've been diciplined about my diet and significantly cut out crap-foods like soda and processed junk with excess sugar. I've had a Shakeology nearly every morning and vitamins after nearly every lunch.

As I get ready for the month of May, it's time for me to intensify everything. I intend on continuing Bootcamp every morning but I'm going to add an additional 30-min jog and P90X routine in the afternoons. I intend on becoming even more disciplined with my diet by eating a small healthy meal every 3-4 hours. I intend on using protein powders to help feed my muscles more throughout the day and even at night while I sleep.

My problem areas still glare at me with contempt when I look at myself in the mirror. My ass is still disproportionately large, as are my thighs. Most of my jeans still don't fit comfortably and the elastic on my underwear is stretched to the limit when sitting on my hips. But despite not having some miraculous transformation in only 20 workouts, I do take away from this first month a since of accomplishment as well as a since of resolve. I am proud that I completed this first month. I feel a since of progress and improvement. And I am determined to step up my game and attack my physic with greater vigor in this next month. Just wait and see what I can accomplish next!

You're a man on a mission. It's inspiring!
-- Barry Stich

The power and impact of positive reinforcement is staggering. And when you have people in your life who believe in you, encourage you, and push you - there's nothing that can't be accomplished.

This morning I was sorta not wanting to get out the door to go workout. It was cold, I was sluggish, blah. But, as we've discussed, getting to Bootcamp everyday at 8AM is part of my job right now. I just get up and do it regardless. And when I got to class I felt great! I was pushing myself and really getting somewhere. I felt accomplished. And my efforts were recognized when Barry said those very kind and unexpected words to me.

What a change from only 30-days ago when I was depressed, lazy, and constantly told what I can't do in my life. My experience in the corporate world at Beachbody was all about limits. Barry sees nothing but possibilities. And he is influencing me to see all the possibilities in myself as well.

That's the power of a great cheerleader or mentor. They have the ability to see within ourselves something that we don't yet believe exists. And sometimes, without even realizing it, they are able to awaken what is dormant inside us.

Mentoring a skill I think many of today's managers lack. Corporate life today is about 'playing the game.' At many places, managers spend their time skirting blame while over-hyping trivial successes. Managers see their role in only being about what they can accomplish for themselves, instead of focussing on the success and growth of those who report to them. I know, for me, I alway outperform for those superiors who challenge me, encourage me, and are able to reward my successes. Sadly, that was completely absent from my last job.

Luckily, this new job has those attributes in abundance, which is why I think I'm performing so well right now! But it's up to me to continually surround myself with positive influences and seek new inspiration to fuel my efforts in getting in great shape AND finding my next great career. By having focus for myself and encouragement from people around me, I will begin living the life I wish for myself.

I believe Barry is right: I AM a Man on a Mission. And every day that mission is becoming better defined and more realized than before.

The routine and reality of my life today, a mere two weeks after leaving Beachbody, is so unbelievably different than when I was hitting the daily 9 to 5 (excuse, me - 9 to 6). I am happy to report that I have gotten more accomplished, had more fun, and have improved myself more in these two weeks than I have in the past three years. So far I have:

• Opened up a personal loan to start re-building my credit
• Completed my first week of Barry's Bootcamp where my ass has been pushed hard on the dreaded treadmill
• Began seeing my buddy Chris who is a Life Coach to help me transition to a better career path instead of just accepting the first shitty job offer that comes my way
• I set up a new home office and organized all the office clutter in my life (one really can not live his life entirely paperless, as I have discovered)
• Discovered my top 5 strengths
• Payed my taxes
• Set up a load of projects to accomplish during this down-time
• and spent more time with my friends, including on really fun band with Andrea and then rock climbing with Wes

I was at the gym on the treadmill today pushing further than I ever have pushed before - and that was after having done a round on the elliptical. For me, it was pretty incredible.

What was getting me so amped and pushing me beyond what I would normally do, cardio wise, was one of Casey Alva's remix sets and the song, "Incredible" by The Shapeshifters. It was moving through me something fierce and it was helping to push my fat ass further than I normally would have on that damn treadmill.

Had enough of the same old time.
My senses they need reviving.
Giving up on just getting by.
It's time for a brand new feeling.

And I thought how Incredible it is that I don't half to go back to Beachbody anymore! I was not learning, or growing or being challenged there. The job was stifling my career and it was effecting my life and my emotions. Plus, as we damn well know, they weren't paying me very much and I am tired of not having the funds to do what I want to do with my friends and with my life.

We all need comfort when times are hard.
Come on and hide away. There's no pretense here.
Don't need a thing, leave your credit card.
Put it all behind.
Had enough of the same old vibe.
All our senses they need reviving.
Give it up, we're on borrowed time.
Make way for a brand new feeling.

And I thought, wouldn't it be wonderful if I made the decision not to go into panic mode over having just been fired? Wouldn't it be great to just take some time for myself? What if I were to let go of the notion that I had to be working at a job right now and instead decided to work on myself for a while? Wouldn't that be Incredible?

I've been in this situation before: out of work, responsibilities and bills looming, the pressure to succeed and not fail out here on my own weighs upon my pride. And in those times I do the same thing -- I bust my ass looking for the next job. But really, that next job has always just been a little bit of money to satisfy those responsibilities. What if this time, I looked for something that I really loved and didn't settle on the first thing that came my way? A job I love to go to every day - that would be Incredible.

In the past when I've been without work, I've gone into this shut-down mode where I hoard cash and stay cooped up at home in order to save what little money I might have. What if this time I relax and trust my wits and The Universe by believing that money will come back into my life when I need it? What if I allowed myself to (responsibly) try some new things and have some new experiences away from the familiar? I could hire a trainer who would help push me at the gym and who really knows how to target my problem areas. I could hire a Life Coach and we could discuss my past mistakes while really exploring where I should be in the next stage of my career. I could take a cooking class and learn to cook with more fresh vegetables. I could spend a little money fixing up my house and making it a better place than it is. I could maybe travel a bit on my own and see another part of the country - that would be Incredible.

Somewhere along my life, I got it into my head that a Man's life consists of getting up, going to the office, working, coming home, and repeating. What if I took some time to discover a new routine? I could find time to practice daily meditation and even go to weekly meditation groups. I could give back to my community while finding satisfaction through volunteering. I could organically discover new interests and new things, thereby shaping me into a more rounded and interesting person - fuck, that would be Incredible.

I was raised to believe that I always had to be going to a job every single day. So when I've found myself without work before, I make job hunting priority #1 and I raced to land something fast. What if this time I put me first and work second? What if I decided that it's OK to be without a job for the next three months or so? I would, of course, look every day and make job hunting an important part of my daily routine because you never know when a great opportunity will present itself and you half to be prepared to recognize it. But I would also take the time to re-define who I am. I've always defined myself by what I do. Finding an answer to the typical first-date question, "what do you enjoy - what are your interests," would be Incredible.

Make way for a brand new feeling.

Most people fail at changing their lives, or in even just incorporating new habits such as exercise, because they don't have a properly written goal and reward system in-place. I'm a prime example of this. I've got my 10 for X list of choices that I want to make a part of my life this year, but we're in the middle of February already and I am not sticking to them like I should.

The reason is because I'm trying to make a lot of changes in myself and remove a lot of bad habits - but have nothing to strive for. There is no prize at the end for my efforts. Yea, sure, a "better Sam" is a worthy outcome for which I should always be striving for, but that's so abstract. I need something more tangible to put my efforts towards. Something like a vacation! So let me try to more clearly define all of this...

LONG-TERM GOAL:
Incorporate the 10 for X choices into my lifestyle so that they become part of who I am and thereby improve my position and circumstances in life.

SHORT(er) TERM GOALS:

1. Acquire a solid and fulfilling career position making at or near $75k annually before June.
2. Put aside $125 every paycheck for a year into a savings account for a vacation
3. Make exercise and fitness a regular part of my daily routine by
   
   
   1. Committing to a round of P90X and doing 20 workouts over 30-days
   2. Finish a full round of the program by June 1
4. Make better eating choices that are both healthy and less expensive by
   
   
   1. Replacing one meal a day, for 20 days, with Shakeology
   2. Prepare a healthy lunch from home 3-days a week
5. Begin rebuilding my credit by securing a personal loan or credit card by the end of March and not carrying a balance
   

Everyone, everywhere has a daily routine. Routines are just.... routine. So you may think it's silly for a 33-year-old man to be focussing time and effort to change and improve his daily routine. But here's the thing: because I'm single, have no kids, and don't answer to anyone but myself, I can be extremely complacent in my routine. If there's something I don't want to do in a day I just don't do it. And there in-lies the problem.

So, using the 10 for X list as a guide, I've put together a list of things to accomplish each day with approximate times to follow. My whiteboard at home has a complete daily schedule with times listed; but this is just my ideal schedule; I'm not going to get hung up on a schedule, just the tasks.

The biggest change is in my new morning routine is a wake-up time. I've been getting up without an alarm for years now but it doesn't happen until time to get dressed for work. I've never been a morning person - just ask my Mom. But, as I get older, I find that morning hours are prime to getting things knocked out before the chaos of the day. And evening hours can become quickly filled with other tasks that aren't scheduled or anticipated. So the biggest part of this new schedule for me will be when I wake up in the morning: between 5 & 5:30 A.M (yikes!)

Mornings:

• Morning exercise (1 hr): can be yoga, running, core work, stretching, etc.
• Morning meditation (20 min)
• Breakfast from home
• Clean: pick up the kitchen & living room, make the bed
• Fix lunch @ home to take for the day

This modified daily routine is more about maintaining discipline in my life than anything else. It's about doing the little things all the time. Because when you take care of the little things in your life every day you end up spending just a little amount of time on them instead of waiting until they are big problems in your life that require a lot of effort.

Improving my discipline on these small tasks are a foundation for growth throughout the entire year. Without a foundation of discipline you can change nothing.

So I now I have 10 things I want to really focus on in the new year. But trying to tackle 10 new habits, or having 10 different choices to always half to make all the time is just a recipe for failure! So to make sure I keep to my resolutions, I'm breaking down my 10 for X list; one topic for each month throughout the year. These monthly themes will inspire my efforts so I have one thing to deal with at a time. Brilliant.... I know.

By not overloading myself trying to accomplish everything all at once I'll be able to succeed with steady progression over time and not get frustrated or bored. It allows me the ability to make short term and achievable goals that will keep me motivated for 12 months. And each of the months lessons progressively build upon one another so that the improvements I gain in one month can be capitalized upon as I grow.


January = Routine
What's easy to overlook in any given day/week are those mundane tasks which I hate to do. By adhering to a more disciplined routine, I can maximize the efficiency of my day and have no excuse to avoid the unpleasant. It will be important to schedule in the tasks I don't like to do, like exercise and cleaning, then make certain those tasks are done at the appropriate times.

February = Fitness & Nutrition
I'm stepping up my game in February and fast-tracking my body image goals. A daily time for exercise will have already been put into my regular routine, but in February I want to really maximize my time in the gym. Pick a Beachbody program and really get into it. Also, eating right will be a major focus with a goal being to eliminate soda from my diet. "Fat boy's don't get laid"

March = Finances
It's tax season and I will spend the month dealing with my income-to-debt ratio, my budget, the mortgage, taxes and regular withholdings, while trying to increase my savings for future expenses and building an "oh-fuck!" account. This will also be a good time to figure out how to begin rebuilding my credit.

April = Career
Though I can not directly affect if I get hired or get a promotion, I can put in the effort to finding that great new job or showcasing my work and becoming invaluable wherever I'm at. It's time to figure out once-and-for all what I want to be when I grow up and get myself squarely on a growth path by demonstrating my core competencies. It will also be the time to network with friends and build contacts for new opportunities.

May = Me: Love
It's my birthday month and I can think of no better time to really love me! I'm going to take May and re-connect with all the great things that make's me who I am and love and cherish what I can do well. No negative thoughts for these spring flowers, May is just about Me, what I want, and what is important to me. Building confidence and respect for the great things I do well.

June = Health & Beauty
Now that I have turned 34, June is the time to really address some good anti-aging measures. A daily skin & hair retention routine will have been established and followed already. So this month will be spent on some deeper maintenance. Go in for a facial and skin consultation, get a few things waked, take a whole-foods cooking class, or enjoy a spa day. This month is about turning back the clock a little.

July = Pride
Summer is in full-swing and the gay boys are getting their pride on. I'm taking this month to celebrate being gay and having pride in myself. I'm going to celebrate what I've done in my life and accomplished in the first half of this year. I'm also going to look at how my life and my self-confidence touches and affects other people in my life. It's a chance to meditate and center myself then get out and meet new people.

August = Education/Learning
Part of The New Sam is finding out what other people know. Time to invest in a class on something new and interesting; do a writing workshop, group exercise, study poker or learn to cheat at blackjack. Take an in-depth meditation class, or really get into yoga. Get out and find a group and try something out of the comfort zone.

September = Style
Let's hope that by now all the hard-work I've been putting into the gym is paying off. I may be ready to show it off a little. September is the time to splurge a little and freshen up the wardrobe. Clothes do not make the man, but they do reflect his attitude.

October = Open
I'm giving myself a month here to play catch-up. Re-visit anything I want to do again or that needs more work. Maybe I've made great strides on something one month already and want one month to go even further! This month isn't being pre-planned, but it will have a focus.

November = Home
Take some time to get organized. Throw out any junk or clutter that's accumulated around the house. If you're not using it then you don't need it. And if there's extra cash around, maybe invest in some improvements like new windows (OK that would take a lot of cash), bathroom cabinets, closet doors, or a bar. If there's no extra cash then just scrub the place down and give it a good spit-n-polish along with throwing out the unneeded crap.

December = Reflection & Planning
With 12 months down let's see how I did. Who am I today and what's different from a year ago? What did I learn about myself and get accomplished in only 12 months of focussed effort? What did you not do as well or totally screwup... anything? How will this year be remembered? And, most importantly, what's next?

With the New Year only days away, I wanted to take some time to come up with a few resolutions for the year. I don't typically make New Year's resolutions but I feel like now is a good time to set up some expectations that will guide me throughout the next year. So I sat down and came up with ten resolutions for 2010, my "10 for X" list!

1. Fitness. Add structured exercise into my daily routine at least once a day, working towards being the most fit I can be.
2. Diet/Nutrition. Eat a more balanced diet of natural whole foods which are prepared at home in a more cost effective manor and served in healthier portions.
3. Finances. Be ever-mindful an even more accurate and comprehensive budget which accounts for what can realistically be adhered to across all payment categories, and which includes savings and debt reduction plans.
4. Routine/Schedule. Become more disciplined about maintaining a daily schedule, especially for tasks I don't enjoy or require added discipline, so that daytime activities are maximized.
5. Career. Put fourth the dedication and effort required of my work (or future career), more consistently, regardless of compensation and personal attitude.
6. Connections. Through a daily meditation practice or other centering exercise, become more aware of my surroundings and how I interact in them, as well as how I'm connected to others.
7. Organization. Break old habits in-order to become more disciplined about immediately putting items around the house away properly and doing more with less clutter.
8. Fewer sodas, drinks, drugs. Committing to my health, reduce or eliminate the consumption of soft drinks and reduce alcoholic consumption - especially sugary drinks.
9. Learn/Read. Continue to expand my experiences by exposing myself to the shit that other people know. 
10. Image & pride. Discover, covet, maintain and project the image you wish other's to have of you by gaining a more solid inner-confidence and well-pollished outer shell.

1. Started this blog
2. Began an internal cleansing program for my insides
3. Stopped the occasional/recreational use of damaging drugs for good
4. Got rid of all my credit card debt *poof*
5. Closed all my online gay hook-up accounts
6. Read "The Truth About You: Your Secret To Success" in an attempt to focus my career objectives by defining my personal strengths
7. Read "The Slight Edge" in an attempt to focus my life and realize my goals
8. Took a meditation class
9. Began taking vitamins more regularly again
10. Am trying to take a couple of lunches a week to work from home
11. Organized my closets and freshened up the layout of my living room
12. Committing to program to help prevent hair loss
13. Talked to a boy and went out on an actual date

When people refer to me to others there is one thing for which I am pretty confident: I'm rarely described as a stereotypical "man." Maybe it's because my voice gets high and is full of inflection, or I squeal when startled, or maybe it's because I have been known to gesture emphatically (which I just did as I was typing). Alright, valid. But I do have a few masculine traits. I don't read instruction manuals, I don't stop to ask for directions, and I assume I'm always right. Very butch.