Charging Through Life

When Alice was making her way through Wonderland and came to a fork in the road she asked a cat,

"Will you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the cat.
"I don't much care where –" said Alice
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the cat.

I have spent a year standing at that fork in my life looking down a few different paths, unsure which to take; having just come from a horrible land of corporate life that I don't much wish to return to. One of life's paths takes me in a bit of a U-Turn back to corporate life but promises to be better, different, safe, and an all-together better experience. The other path, which I've tapped my toe on a couple of times, is dark and menacing with absolutely no road signs or promises of a destination.

I've written about this impasse before and the choices I need to be taking seriously in my life right now. The luxury of time is quickly becoming impatient with my inaction and luck will inevitably run out on the things in my life I have placed in limbo during this Time Out of mine.

When I ask my friends, the people I most trust, which path of life to take, they almost all say to me, "Just Get A Damn Job Already!!" And they are right, it's time for me to be earning some real income again. But as I pointed out last night, a "job" isn't the only means to earn income. It's just the easiest.

There was an Ah-Ha moment this week while reading a cool blog, "Smart Passive Income." The realization was that, unlike with most "jobs" if I were to find my own ways to earn income on my own, I'm not limited to just one source. I could have many streams of revenue. And actually, I had better have multiple streams of income because any home-based internet business is going to take time to build and pay low in the beginning. So relying on just one would be setting yourself up for failure.

Once again I'm back to the thought process of building my own businesses and relying on myself instead of taking the advice of my friends to just go get a job already. But being practical, I am thinking about all the what if's. What if I don't make any money? What if I am not creative enough? What if I get bored or distracted? What if I don't earn enough to handle emergencies? What if I fail?

Life isn't in the to-do list or the fear of "what will happen if" or the longing of "I'll be happy as soon as..." It isn't in your dreams or plans or goals. Life is in the spaces between those things.

That was from a book I'm reading, "Zero to Zillionare" and it drives an important point home. Life is happening now whether or no you are participating in it. Life doesn't really happen later - it happens now. So being mired in indecision only cheats you from all that life has to offer.

I'm about to make a decision and I'm going to put everything I have into that decision once it's been made. Is there a chance I'll be wrong? Yea. But in order to be a Man you sometimes need to make the best decision you can at the time - regardless of what others say - and stand up for how you feel.

There is a fun, romantic, energetic, and adventurous feeling most people associate with Las Vegas. Sin City has successfully cultivated positive memories for itself as a premiere entertainment destination for millions... even while taking your money from right in front of you.

For the entire past week before Christmas, I've been on vacation in Vegas with KC & Regan. First let me say that I am extremely proud that I've spent probably only about $350 for the entire week and have seen exhibits, shows, night clubs, drank, and gambled. Not sacrificing too much overall, I've had a pretty full Vegas experience for only a little more than I would have spend at home. But, you see, I've been in Vegas many times and know a few tricks. And unlike the vast majority of tourists, I've been looking around this town a bit.

Like many of the headlining shows, Las Vegas Boulevard and it's glitzy tourist draw is simply a magical illusion. While you are staring in awe at the fountains of Bellagio or the big gold tiger outside of MGM, you are distracted from the things Vegas doesn't want you to see as much like the old and class-less Hooters discount hotel or cheep and tired Bill's Gamblin' Saloon. When you think of Vegas you're thinking about the fancy shops and wonderful casinos, but look towards what the magician is trying to hide and you'll see very poor and old souvenir shops, pawn shops, and more cheep strip clubs than anyone can count.

There's an income gap in this country and The Vegas Strip is a condensed, exaggerated example of the issue. On The Strip today you can be in Gucci and Louis Vuitton on one side of the street and 7-11 on the other. While the rich go and buy the most exquisite jewelry and fashion available in the world, the poor are not far away picking up cigarettes and hot dogs. And I'm not even discussing the impoverished and homeless who are begging for money on the elevated crosswalk in-between the two destinations. But the gap between how fast the rich are improving and the poor are declining is perfectly visible and illustrated in Vegas, literally right across the street from one another.

The middle class in this analogy are just a block away at MGM & New York New York casinos chunking their change into slot machines and throwing down bets on red or black on the roulette wheel. Because, you see, just like in the rest of the country, Vegas is good at leering those with a little bit of discretionary income into placing sucker bets. Again, the magician's illusion is to tell you there is a choice in the matter and that you're having fun walking amongst the wealthy and beautiful. But the trick is that the magician is only using you for his needs and the game is rigged. The lazy middle class are not interested in thinking about the strategy of the game they are playing or trying to learn or look around, so they don't educated themselves on the points of the game being played. Instead the middle class are simply stepping up and throwing out all their cash on two choices that, in the end, are exactly the same: either Republican Red or Democratic Blue (I mean black or red).

Both Las Vegas and the US can treat the middle class with such little disregard because the middle class population is so vast and because eventually they will do as they are told and go home, go back to work where, again, they will be too distracted with life to learn the manipulation tactics being used on them every day to take their cash.

And yet the incredibly rich, the incredibly poor, and the blind middle class are all interested in having a good time and being entertained. What I also find fascinating is how entertainment can pop up for anyone and at any price level. If you've got the cash you're off to see "O" or Cher in concert. If you are poor you'll probably stick to the free pirate show at TI or maybe get a lap dance at a strip club. The middle class will want to see the latest shows but will settle for "Mystere" (which they won't understand) or "Chris Angel's Believe" (which sucked -- don't bother with that one).

So am I turning into a socialist? Do I want everyone to be equal? Do I think that everyone deserves the same? No.

My Vegas vacation has taught me that the economy is diverse and yet survives. There's no need to listen to the doombs-day predictions on the news. But the gap between the street is real and it is widening, make no mistake. Oh, and those fancy shops for the rich are mostly being visited by foreign tourists these days because less and less American's can afford them. Yes, thanks to a very week dollar, I have seen a ton of visitors from Asia this week.

As individuals, we need to look around at our surroundings a little more often and not be distracted by the shiny objects the magician wants us to look at. We need to educate ourselves on the things that look complicated instead of simply plunking our fat asses down in front of a slot machine or TV all night long. Instead of taking the sucker bet and playing by the easy-to-understand rules of going to work every day and earning a pathetic wage, why not re-invent the game and play by your own rules? Find a game and a life that you are passionate about and make the most of it.

In Vegas the house always wins. Make damn sure you are 'the house' of life.

There are small pockets of wisdom I have gleamed from my Father and have been able to adapt to actual functional advise over the years. You need to understand that my Dad and I come from completely different worlds. If women are from Mars and men come from Venus, then my Dad hails from Mercury and I hang out in Uranus. Growing up, there wasn't a lot of relevant life lessons the old man could pass down to his closeted gay son that were going to stick. However one bumper-sticker phrase of his has been popping up in my mind lately...

If they meant this to be easy they'd let Women and Children do it.

A strange sentiment for someone to comprehend who was himself a child at the time; and during a time when gender roles were decentegrading faster than the Berlin Wall. But understanding my father's '50s rural Indiana upbringing, I think I understood what he was saying. Nothing worth achieving ever comes easy.

Yesterday was sorta a shit day. I had it fully scheduled and it was suppose to be quite productive all around. But through a series of unrelated circumstances, none of which instigated by me, every meeting got canceled and I was left with a lot of unproductive alone time to think. And what kept popping up in my head was the uncertainty of success in my new business venture. I've put all my eggs in one basket (to steal another phrase from Dad) and I'm taking a huge risk on something that is more likely to fail than not.

The architect of this corporation, Richard, is more of a thinker and a player than a planner and do-er. And I'm finding it difficult to keep him focussed and on track; which is making me wonder if I have a partner who can hold up his end of the bargain and see this company through to profit. It's becoming more and more apparent that I must assume a leadership role and begin making decisions for the group and the company. Question is: will the millionaire who's idea this all was and who's funding the whole damn thing yield to my business decisions? Or is he only interested in acting like a well-funded frat boy on spring break in exotic places like South Beach, The Caribbean, and Brazil?

I kept thinking yesterday, wouldn't it be easier for me to just go get a desk job at Disney? There was that online video job that I could try to go interview for. Shouldn't I try to do things like a normal person? "Normal" people go out and get jobs and get steady paychecks. That would be a far easier route to take.

And that's when I realized what Dad was talking about. Creating this company is not easy and it's not suppose to be. The Universe has engineered this time in my life to be full of difficult tasks. I'm attempting to completely re-define my life and how it will be lived from now on. If it were easy to change your entire life or start a successful and profitable online company, then everyone would be doing it - women and children included.

I think 2011 is going to full of tasks and challenges meant only for Men to attempt. Getting myself into peek physical shape, creating and launching this corporation, seeking out my true passions in life -- these are not simple things to accomplish. Most people will never do any of these things because they are difficult. It is far easier to just sit on the couch and eat chips, get a job and have someone else tell you what to do, and spend your free time getting drunk; and so that's what the majority of people choose to do.

It's a test of a Man's character to rise to the challenge and say, "I'll tackle this - this thing that is difficult." Failure is an understood risk that must be part of the equation. Most people don't want to fail so they don't do things that come with risk. A true Man welcomes the threat of failure and sees it as worthy opponent to spar against in gentlemanly battle. While others watch from the sidelines, a Man sizes his obstacles, chooses his weapons, forges his alliances, and marches forward towards his goal. It is in these times a real Man is defined and becomes separated from the women and children in life.

So. Bring it on, Bitch!

What would you do if you won the lottery tomorrow? Everyone has that dream of what they would do, how they would change their life if, magically, one day they had more money than they ever thought possible. And you hear the stories all the time: some poor factory worker or office pool in Pahrump, Nevada holds the single winning lottery ticket worth millions and their lives are now forever changed.

My jackpot fantasy includes much of the normal stuff as everyone else. I would quit my job, buy some new clothes, maybe buy a condo, get a trainer, invest my money - very important for long term sustainability, and maybe start a business of some kind.

Then the other day it hit me.... I'm living that life! (minus the Brink's Truck full of cash, of course).

While my real-life isn't turning out as grand as I had fantasized, the fact remains that I did quit my job this year (by getting fired), I own my condo (sorta/barely), I bought new clothes (from H&M), I have a trainer (who I haven't seen since April), I know how to invest money (just need to do it), and I have my own business and am on the verge of starting a company (both of which aren't making money yet).

Clearly I am on my way to a blissful life!  ....OK, so the reality still needs a little bit of work to look like the fantacy. But isn't it cool that I'm living out this fantasy life others are still only dreaming?

And then it hit me... so what happens now? What comes next in this fantasy life? Once you have the superficial material crap, what should you want next?

I began reading Chris Guillebeau's book, The Art of Non-Conformity from his manifesto, "A Brief Guide to World Domination." In each he suggests that the two most important question in the universe are:  1) "What do you really want to get out of life?" 2) "What can you offer the world that no one else can?" Those two questions have me very much stumped right now. I don't know the answer to either one! What I want out of life seems to change, like daily (just read this blog and you'll see). And once I'm confident of what I can bring the the world's table, something comes along that makes me question my abilities.

It comes down to a matter of passion. If you have passion in your life, those two universal questions become easy to answer. Without a passion in your life, you're doomed to just blow all your lottery winnings on fake tacky gold chotchkies and live a miserable life hoping for more money to solve your growing problems. It happens all the time to the factory worker in Pahrump who wins the lottery, as well as the corporate executive in Bentonville who works 80-hour weeks behind a desk. I don't want to live like that! I want to live for something more!

So as we are nearing the end of 2010 and I am contemplating my future path and goals for 2011 and beyond, I find myself contemplating the need for passion and am trying to figure out what I am passionate about. Any ideas?

Once upon a time there was a plucky little gay boy named Sam who was on top of the world. You see, Sam had just been freed from a horrible, wicked existence that he had been trapped in for years. Sam had been in a dead-end job. But, because Sam was a crafty little gay boy, he was able to escape from that reality. And oh how happy, driven, and adventurous Sam felt when he did finally escape! He saw a whole world of possibilities and was going to start exploring them and living them.  It was a grand time and a grand adventure for the plucky little gay boy named Sam.

I vaguely recall that fairy tale. It was sweet. I certainly enjoyed the heroism of the plucky little gay boy.... whatever his name was. He saw opportunity and was going to make his new life Incredible. I wonder how well he did with all that?

Well he started out good, certainly. He was very accomplished those first few months and very busy with his exciting new life. But now......
it's been three months since I stopped hitting bootcamp daily,
it's been three months since I stopped tracking my weight and eating well,
it's been three months since I set and achieved goals and daily tasks to improve my situation.

In these past three months I've gained noticeable weight, started drinking soda again, have become reclusive and shy in my house, and am overall apathetic towards my future or any prospects for work.

Sure it's true that every fairy tail needs a villain, I just didn't realize the villain in this story would be me and my own dwindling drive to accomplish things. I've given up one "horrible, wicked existence" working at Beachbody and simply replaced it with another -- not working.

Most days I'll scroll through other people's Facebook postings to see what fun, amazing things they are dong. For instance, Troy & Craig are off enjoying a private cabana today in Vegas.  Oh, look at all the boys who are cheering for "Sunday Funday" at their favorite gay bar today. And like Rapunzel, I just sit in my room gazing through this "window" of mine waiting for someone to come rescue me.
Well now that's just fucking retarded, Sam.

Nobody is going to come 'save' me and just hand me the keys to a castle and this great fairy tale life I'm dreaming up. If I'm going to have anything happen I've got to MAKE it happen. The plucky little gay boy in the fairy tale knew that. So what happened to him? Where's his plucky little drive gone?

I feel as though I'm cursed with boredom. I must have taken a bite out of a poisoned apple, because I've just been lying around for months not doing anything.

Alright, it's clear that there's no Prince Charming coming on a horse to deliver me a hot kiss or something great to do with my life. I don't know why I was expecting him to show up when I know the only solution is for me to sprinkle some fairy dust on my fat ass and get moving.

I'm going to check back in on the plucky little gay boy in three months time from now. By November 1st I want to have achieved 5 goals for myself. They are:

1. To complete a 90-day fitness routine that consists of bootcamp, P90X, and yoga classes
2. To be eating more clean, nutritious meals made from home
3. To be bringing in supplemental income through freelance work or a new job
4. To maintain a daily routine of house chores, exercise, and office work
5. To have "improved" myself through new reading/learning assignments and new friends

To Be Continued....

Growing up, especially when you are a teenager, most people think their parents are "lame" or don't understand anything in life. I remember sitting at the dinner table one day listening to my Dad say that, when he was my age, he thought HIS father didn't know anything either and that it wasn't until years later that he began to understand Grandpa's wisdom. I've been waiting years for the day when I look at Dad and say to myself, "hey, the old man may know something after all." Having recently turned 34, I've started to think that day would never come. That was until today.

As I've mentioned, I'm reading "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" and really taking a hard look at conventional thinking to see if there is a different way, a better way, for me to proceed with my life. The second chapter is about "Teaching Financial Literacy" but really it's focusses on identifying and understanding the differences between assets and liabilities.

How many times have you heard that, "your home is your greatest asset"? That, my friends, is conventional wisdom and is not always true. My first condo in Long Beach certainly turned out to be an asset because it doubled in value during the time KC and I owned it, and I was able to leverage that asset to help pay for my new condo. This West Hollywood condo, on the other hand, is not turning out to be much of an asset due to the housing crisis. In fact, barring some great government loan restructuring miracle, this shabby little over-priced box of mine is going to turn into an incredible PAIN in my Asset.

Simply stated: Assets make you money, Liabilities cost you money. And as this book says, "The rich buy assets, the poor and middle-class buy liabilities."

Through various stories and simple diagrams, chapter 2 of "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" explains that the rich acquire items that make the money they then use to buy the things that don't make money. If you can't yet pay for something you want, you first find a way to make the money (notice how I said "make" not "earn") to pay for it.

This is where I think my Dad may have been onto something. Growing up, we never had a ton of excess, yet we always had more than other people. Our family had a camper, a boat, even a fucking airplane! But these items were never extravagant. Our house was also not extravagant but it was comfortable and sufficient for the four of us. And like the camper, the boat, and the plane, the house was paid for! My parents never had a mortgage and were never in serious debt. I can safely say they have never seen themselves $40k in debt like I once was.

My Dad may have worked hard for a living, but it was for himself - he owned his own business. And he understood, at least on some level, how to pay for what he wanted. Growing up and being on my own in the 90's, with no financial literacy education to speak of, the lessons I learned were the exact opposite from what my Dad practiced. With my first credit card issued to me as a freshman in college, I learned that you could buy anything you wanted and make payments on it. This is how the world works and this is what I believed to be true. And it was that truth that landed me in bankruptcy court.

Our economy today is based on this line of thought. By perpetuating the conventional wisdom that 'you deserve to own this this thing (that you can't afford) because it will make you happy,' our system of debt spending continues to flourish keeping an economy, that largely doesn't create anything, moving.

At 34, having been drop-kicked to the bottom of my financial health by life's "conventional wisdom," I'm now beginning to see the spark of true wisdom in my Dad's way of thinking. You can buy anything in life that you desire, just follow these two rules:

1. understand that most 'luxury items' are liabilities and liabilities cost you money, instead of make you money like assets will do
2. ensure there are assets in-place that can pay for your liability BEFORE you purchase it

Do you believe that people in LA are shallow? It's OK if you do; it's a prevalent stereotype that is not all entirely untrue. When thinking about today's topic, it's tough for me not to come across as a shallow LA fag. I tried to frame it differently, but it is what it is. So here goes - don't think less of me...

How we define success in life is so very different for every person. Some look towards fame, others towards family, others toward work to measure success in their life. And how you define your own personal success will change many times throughout your life. Getting that first great car in your 20's makes you feel successful, though not nearly as does owning your first home. Then, as your children graduate high school and are off to college, you probably feel more successful than at any prior moment in your life. That is until the grandkids come.

For me, today, at this moment, success in life would half to be defined by 'getting my shit together' and engineering an entirely new stage for my life. I would feel successful by finding and landing a fantastic career that pays me very well, getting a handle on my mortgage, getting toned and muscular, and having an incredible summer without the depressed or jealous feelings of inadequacy I have around those friends who do have the money, the career, the house, the muscles.

And here's the part where feel guilty that my definition of success today is just a bunch of superficial crap. "Where," my guilty conscious asks, "are the deep meaningful friendships, the efforts to improve the world, the impacting of other people's lives, the being kind and forgiving bullshit answers you're suppose to say about what constitutes a 'Successful Life'?"

See, I'm shallow. It's an LA thing, give me a break.

Though, thinking about it, it could be a fundamental character flaw I have in my attraction to material things. When I was a kid growing up in Fortville there was this funeral home that was two-stories tall and had white columns from the porch to the roof. I always associated it with being a 'big and glamorous house.' I would tell my parent's that, "one day I'll live in a house like that." Sure it doesn't look like much today, but to an 8y/o living in fucking Fortville, IN it might as well have been a mansion. Sad thing is, the one-beadroom condo I own in West Hollywood today probably costs more than that old house which still sits down the street from an abandoned grain silo.

Who's to say how I'll define success 30 years from now? I look at my buddy Topper, who's in his mid-seventies, and hope that success in my later years of life skew in similar directions as his have. He owns a successful fragrance line, a spa, has a husband of a million-years, and more friends than he can count. But the thing for which he feels most fulfilled is in the abundance of good friends who come by his store just to chat. He feels success by being able to graciously welcome and entertain them, and provide a comfortable space for others to enjoy. The money and the business don't mean nearly as much as the connections he has formed with others.

I'm sure I'll get there someday (hopefully). But today, being able to support myself financially with some  extra mula around to play with, and having a career that engages my creativity and fuels my passions, is pretty top on the list of priorities. And it's a damn good way to gauge success in my life.

Sure, I could gauge success by looking back at my accomplishments through these past 34 years - and I would have plenty of examples to choose from. My accomplishments go as far back as third-grade where it was decided that I had a learning disability and needed to be in Special Ed classes; but by middle school, the Special Ed classes became optional. And by high school I was accepted into elite-status classes such as Journalism. Today you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who thinks I ever had a learning disability (unless they see my awful spelling, that is).

Other examples of success from my past include me moving out of my parent's house when I was 18 to attend college. My Grandpa Watkins didn't think I would do either of those things, instead placing his bet that I'd, "be back living with Mom before the end of the first year." Yet four years later, there I was, the first person on Mom's side of the family to earn a Bachelor's degree. And I payed for it all on my own (for several, several years to come).

I was also successful when I ventured on my own to move to California while much of my family remains in the same Indiana county they've lived their entire lives. And success further would be be in always fighting for myself: be that by coming out of the closet in the early 90's, or in finding new income when previous jobs were lost - never asking for or requiring financial assistance from relatives.

But I've done that stuff already - it's old news. What's important today is to concentrate on how I view success now, and how I'm striving for a more successful life in my future. Hopefully you will agree that I am making very deliberate and effective efforts to obtain a successful life. I'm committed to staying dedicated to my goals of hitting the gym, of meeting with my Life Coach, of further discovering and developing my interested and talents. These, and other goals, will lead me towards securing a new career that can be an instrumental component to achieve more successes in the long-term; no matter how I may change or re-define what constitutes a Successful Life for me in the future.

Have you every meet anyone who is incapable of lying? It's the coolest thing (and by cool, I mean odd). Take my buddy KC for example. From the outside, the boy just looks to be a little slow; like he's almost there but "there" just isn't.... well "here." Fact is, though, he's just incredibly honest - to the point of being incapable of lying.

Take last week, for example. He and his roommate, Regan, were driving to downtown LA. Regan asked KC to let him know when they got to the downtown area.
"How will I know when we're downtown," KC asked?
"You'll see a bunch of tall buildings," answered Regan.
"These buildings are tall," noted KC.
"We're not in downtown yet!" snapped Regan.

It's his level of honesty that I've always strived for and admired in the boy. He just looks at things and calls them how he sees them.

We are never honest in our daily lives. I mean, come on, when someone asks, "how's your day going," they don't want an honest answer and you don't want to give them one.

We don't tell the truth in our relationships either. I went on a date the other day and the guy told me pretty much his entire life story over the course of the two-hour dinner. Now did I interrupt him and say, "you know, every gay guy's high school coming out story is pretty much the same, and I haven't thought about mine in, like, 10-years. So can we talk about something more current?" No. I listened attentively, laughed appropriately, and offered occasional feedback.

But I think the place where we are most dis-honest is at work. We spend more time with these people then we do our actual friends and family; yet we hardly ever speak our minds or reveal our true self. When coworkers ask how your weekend was, how many of you will tell the story about getting wasted at the club and going down on this hot guy in the bathroom before ditching him to go home and fuck someone else? (OK, extreme example)

When you are passed over for a promotion, do you go in and tell your boss how you're way better qualified for the position, or do you go bitch to your friends or vent your feelings in a blog entry? (is that more universal?)

The reason we are not honest, I mean truly honest, at work is not out of professional decorum - it's out of fear. We fear loosing our job.

I've recently shed that fear. I've come to realize I don't like doing what I'm doing and I'm likely not going to advance far there. So I really have no fear in getting fired because I'm already looking for something else. And if I should get canned prior to finding that something else, well then I'll just half to deal. But here's what I've noticed: I've been saying thing at work lately that I probably shouldn't.

My new "boss" (the chick whom I adore as a person but who is so incredibly un-qualified for her job that it's a crime) has been acting like, well she's been acting like my boss - which I loathe. And I find I've been making snarky comments to her all week long. I'm cute and I say them in a funny way so I can get away with it, but the sentiments are real.

Lately I've been seriously contemplating a new strategy at work whereby I sit my Director and VP down and tell them the truth. The un-biast, no holding back truth - whole truth and nothing but the truth. I would let them know that I'm unhappy, that I could teach an intern to do what I do, and I'm actively looking for a more fufilling employment opportunity and will take it at this company or some other place if I find it.
I'll either get fired or get promoted.

Here are my honest facts that I am thinking about just laying out there on the table:

1. I can not afford to work at this job any more. The money I am brining in from this position does not cover the bills I have going out. Because of this fact I've had to re-structure my financial life to the point of declaring bankruptcy. A person with the skills, talents, and background that I have should not be working for so little. And because of this fact, I am actively seeking to change my income status. I hope to be able to do that here at Beachbody, but the first institution that can provide me with more income and a higher growth potential will win me as their employee.
2. I have been under-utilized at Beachbody now for three years and I am not on an actual career path. When I took this job I was already over-qualified for it but I assumed that, because I was in a small start-up, it would be easy for me to advance with the company. I've grown my position as much as I can and now it's time to break up the tasks I do and incorporate them into other people's job responsibilities. It's silly to pay me for what little I do around here. It would be better for the company to dissolve my position completely and change my career to a producer/content developer.
3. The programming that the VP and Director are producing is crap and I can do better. Plus the website we have is crap and I can do better. The shows we are airing online now are horrible! Nobody is watching them and people are not willing to pay $40 a quarter to be part of a crappy website which is why TeamBeachbody.com has such a high cancelation rate. People don't pay anything to go to a website. Online revenue is generated by advertising! I can change the entire dynamic of the business by streamlining content creation which may reduce overhead, introducing ad revenue streams, and improving the overall user experience. But I'm not doing any of that without more cash, a better title, and support for my decisions. And, no, I'm not first going to prove to you that I can do the job before you promote me.

My meditation class ended three days ago and I'm happy to report that my practice is still going well. The purpose of meditating is to experience a deep level of consciousness in-order to connect with the moment. This allows your body to release stresses it has been carrying around and to become aware of your environment and the moment. And so far I think it's working. Before meditation I am usually anxious with a million +2 things running around in my head. Meditating calms me down and allows me to toss out the crap I don't need and can't really achieve today anyway, while prioritizing the items I can achieve.

But then I come back to the real world with all it's stimulants, pressures, and envy's. Blah - Stupid real world!

Over the past few years, and even more-so over the past few months, I've known my life is off-track. And my creative, hyper little mind is eager to offer quick-fix solutions it thinks my soul is so desperately searching for. It's as if my mind and soul are a couple of friends having coffee. My kind and helpful little mind, who has good intentions, is really like the friend who want's to fix your problems quickly so you'll shut-up about them and the two of you can get back to gossiping about trashy celebrities again. My little mind would say to my soul,

• "You need a boyfriend"
• "You need to workout"
• "You need to go work for a studio"
• "You need a new set of friends"
• "You need to move out of LA"
• "You need to read more books"
• "You need to learn new skills"
• "You need You need You need You need"

When people refer to me to others there is one thing for which I am pretty confident: I'm rarely described as a stereotypical "man." Maybe it's because my voice gets high and is full of inflection, or I squeal when startled, or maybe it's because I have been known to gesture emphatically (which I just did as I was typing). Alright, valid. But I do have a few masculine traits. I don't read instruction manuals, I don't stop to ask for directions, and I assume I'm always right. Very butch.

My Dad and I are incredibly alike; stubborn, independent, always right, and ladies men. Alright, maybe we're not so much alike. But we're both creative problem-solvers and we suck at details and follow-through. And when there's a task to be done, we are going to find the MOST difficult way to do it, and we're not going to let up until we're spent and have failed. It never fails.

The other day I was catching up with my friend Matt over drinks. He was telling the stories of all that had happened in his life over the past few weeks. See, his 5-year-old BMW had been stolen and he got pulled over and ticketed for talking on his cell phone while driving (allegedly). These are two dramatic events, yes. But let's put them in context. His car was stolen from the custocy of the dealership where it was getting serviced. They sold him a new car at cost, which his insurance picked up most of the tab -- a really sweet deal! And he was ticketed for a minor offense, of which he did not commit and will successfully fight.

As I start this 7-year journey I'm going to need to document where I am at the start of it. I've already given a financial snapshot but this 'personal financial restructuring' is more than about numbers. It's going to be about emotions and attitudes. It's an attempt to force my life to conform to what I expect or would hope it should be. I guess I could call this journey my 'personal restructuring' and X the financial part, but whatever.