Charging Through Life

What kind of homo are you? Our little 10% community is quite a diverse one. There are twinks, bears, gym rats, Asian queens, drag queens, tired queens, otters, gaymers, Stepford Fags, activists, leather daddies, trannies, bar trash, sugar daddy, daters, haters, and masturbaters. We are a colorful bunch with many distinctions.

Last weekend I went to a holiday party thrown by my friends Josh & Philip. It's an annual gala affair that brings out the crème de la crème of the Hollywood queers. Josh & Philip are major players and their lives reflect that. They have a massive house: there's a room for the baby-grand, a room for just a fireplace, and a room for books. They have awesome careers that they earned by graduating with honors from top institutions. And they are well-rounded with a variety of interests including world travel, rock climbing, and exotic yoga retreats; yet they remain grounded and genuine to all their friends. Josh & Philip, along with a significant number of those in attendance at this holiday party, are what you would call "Power Gays!"

My Power Gay friend showing off a little on holiday in Bali. Seriously, powerful.

A Power Gay is the Maybach of the homo family. They are successful, shiny, and exclusive. But unlike a high-priced car, the Power Gay remains approachable, grounded, interesting, genuine, and well-rounded. Sure you'll see a Power Gay at the occasional circuit event jumping around shirtless with his perfectly chiseled chest; but he never goes overboard or get's trashy. The Power Gay may be interested in having a night of fun with all his friends, but he will also get up the next day for his group exercise class, yoga, run, or art tour.

A leader in the community, Power Gay's perform charity work and are recognized for their good deeds; yet being gay does not define them and they have interests outside of the community. Highly successful and competitive, a Power Gay does spend a considerable amount of time at his office where he is no doubt CEO, EVP, CMO, or some other combination of a 3-letter title. But you will also find that a Power Gay spends an above-average amount of time on adventurous vacations in history-rich cities that don't have English-speaking tour busses.

Not to confuse you though, a Power Gay can also earn the title through ingenious creativity, activism, and community respect - and not posses the corporate gig or vacations. Let me be clear, tons of money and an expensive wardrobe does not a Power Gay make. It's not about wealth or influence. It's about an overall presence, drive, and character. You can't be a Power Gay if you're an asshole or elitist; and you can't be a Power Gay just because your popular and can blow your way into any club you want.

Simply put, Power Gays excel at everything they do. They amplify all the best qualities inherent to every homosexual.

Every gay person is special and every gay person, by nature of our struggles, has a power within ourselves to draw upon during the dark and troublesome times of our lives. That inner-queer light is a given trait we each have earned through our trying experiences. But it's the Power Gay who is able to tap into that core queer being and ignite it until it radiates from himself and shines upon others with a positive influence. He takes all the powers and traits of his inner homo-being and lives a life of uncompromising excellence, setting a standard for himself and for others.

I saw many fine examples of Power Gays this past weekend and I see some great examples all throughout our community. These pillars have inspired me. Their light has hit me in a new way. A year ago I was emotionally a million miles from where I am today with little confidence in my abilities and was rather jealous of the people at this same party. But only a year later so many things have changed; I have shed much of the negative baggage I once carried.

Though it will be a struggle and something I may never obtain, I vow in 2011 to begin my quest towards becoming my own Power Gay in life! Like any noble quest, I may never achieve victory, nor may I realize if and when I do. But it is simply the quest to become a Power Gay that I feel I must now journey in order to achieve my goals and become my best queer-self.

Who among you is Man enough to join me on this noblest of quests?

Boy, your flame needs a lot of attention to stay lit. Fan your own flame for a while, my arm's getting tired.

Having been friends with Kenyon for 15 years definitely has it's advantages. The boy knows how to put me in my place. Now I've never considered myself to be a "high-maintanance" sorta friend but the noise in my head does spill out from time-to-time and there's one person I know to call to help weed out the crap.

I was invited this coming Saturday to a pool party hosted by Rob and Terrance. Great guys. But the party consists all of that other group of friends I was hanging out with before I got bit and got fired. To me, this group of people represent what I should be. They all have great jobs, their shit is together (mostly) and they are where they should be with their lives at 30-something. They're not like my current friends who all have money troubles, or drinking problems, or self-esteem issues.

I should be aligning myself with this more successful group and allowing them to naturally push and motivate me during these difficult times of mine. Problem is, they're not the one's who are around for me during the tough times. They're not the ones I open up to or the ones I can just be myself around. It's the "troubled" group who are the ones who've been there for me.

I guess what I'm saying here is that I resent this more successful group for not being what I would call "better friends." And I'm carrying that resentment around and it's preventing me from wanting to RSVP to a simple pool party. I think to myself that, they only want to be friendly when times are fun. But what about the rest of the time?

This is something KC just can not figure out about me. To him, we're going to a fun afternoon event with boys and booze. It's something for him to look forward to. He asked me what it would take for me to feel comfortable around these "friends of mine," to which I said, "having them think I'm pretty, funny, and to pay attention to me."

Yep. This is a high-maintanance flame I've got burnin' up in here.

No surprise that I'm over-thinking all this. I'm reading into a situation where there's nothing to read. I'm projecting my insecurities onto what other people are thinking about me. What I've got to remember is: people AREN'T thinking about me - not like I think they are. I'm all consumed with what other people think that I forget about their insecurities that they're carrying around about themselves.

I've got two friends in Rob and Terrance who've lost contact with me for a few months because of.... well life. And they're just throwing a pool party. It's up to me to put down this feeling of resentment that is ill-placed and go have a drink and flirt with some boys. It's up to me to shut my mind off from it's constant state of fret and self-doubt and go have some mindless fun for an afternoon.

Maybe I'm not as put together as other people there. Maybe I've got some challenges in my life right now. Maybe I need to work harder to catch up to where I should be.
And maybe everyone there will marvel at my youthful looks and cute outfit, and then tell me how much they admire how strong and resilient I've been through all that I've had to deal with.
(Burn bright, flame. Burn!)

I went back to visit the family farm two weeks ago. One of the things I was hesitant to discuss with the parentals was the fact that I got fired from my job. But I controlled the message by sticking to my talking-points and delivering the news with my own spin (good thing I got that PR degree college). Part of the spin I threw on the message was how I wanted to make some extra money in stocks. You see, whenever I'm home, there are a very select number of topics Dad and I can bond over. The stock market is one of those topics. So for five days I went through Stock Market Boot Camp with Dad.

The thing is this... I get it. I can look at a chart and understand the patterns and why a price moves the way it does. I understand some of the study indicators used in technical analysis and why a fundamental annalists of a company is important. The chart and the market doesn't scare me.... when I'm on the farm in Indiana, that is. Now that I'm back here in California on my own I feel completely dumbfounded. I'm all like, "what stocks should I be looking at? What time-frame should I set my chart to? Which indicators should I be including? And when should I make a buy?" Basically, I feel like a Vally Girl exclaiming that, "OMG this is hard!"

OK, first, I need to give myself a little credit for being smart both in IN and CA. Just because Dad's not feeding me the questions and guiding me through the lessons doesn't mean I don't understand. Remember the first thing you wrote on the plane home, Sam, "You are smart and do understand this stuff."

But the reason for this freak out today is because I've gotten it into my head that I can make money trading in the market... like the sort of money that would sustain my lifestyle and not require me to go get some crappy real job. I've gotten it into my head that if I learn a few basics then I can have a career in investing that I dictate, that pays me based on my efforts, and that ends each day by 1PM (PST). Not bad, eh?

But there is a LOT to understand and a LOT of opinion out there on how to invest correctly. I've got half a dozen books that I'm reading simultaneously and an online course that I took which is now asking for money to move onto the next steps in my education. Like any good scam, I'm being asked to pay up-front for someone's "education" before I even know if this crazy notion of mine is going to work.

If I'm going to do this, there is a pressure to do it the right way. And the right way is by studding and practicing first. It's as if I've sent myself back to college to get a whole new degree. Hell, I even have a course outline that I wrote on the plane back from Indiana when I was all jazzed about making this work. But, just like when I actually was in college, my initial enthusiasm is starting to fade with all this f'ing 'classroom work.' "You guys, why is learning so hard!"

Alright, I am going to chalk this up to just a case of information overload. I'm looking down a path of a lot of information that needs to be absorbed when you consider all the different ways you can make money in the market: options, futures, forex (which I don't even know what is). I need to just take a step back and learn the way I know how to learn which is by trial and error. But, unlike learning a casino game in Vegas, the stock market lets you learn with play money before you start risking your own cash savings. So I'm going to stop thinking like this is my business for which I need all the correct answers right now or I will suffer poverty. Instead I'm going to start thinking like this is my entertainment. Stop freaking the fuck out and go, "like, take a chill-pill or something you spaz."

You may recall that my best friend and I are having some issues (and that's putting it lightly). I blogged last about said issues before in the entry, "Mouse or Man." This represents the second major fight where he and I have gone for weeks without speaking (months now). The first major fight, in part, lead to the creation of this blog.

As anyone who's ever been in an argument will tell you, you can't have a fight without two people. And both parties are to blame for portions of this fight. For my part, I was consumed with my own problems of money, debt, bankruptcy, and failing career. And those personal issues of mine were seeping into my relationship in the forms of jealousy and frustration. Also, I couldn't stop thinking about my issues even when I was suppose to be having fun with my friend. Problems, it seams, were all I wanted to talk about.

Randy, you half to understand, is very "me" oriented (I'm not one to use the word "selfish" but feel free to use that word if you prefer). And on the day of our fight, he was particularly self-consumed with his own interests. Interests which were primarily focussed on superficial things like talking about vacations and clothes - things I couldn't partake in at the time. 

While I was scraping near the bottom of despair,  Randy was climbing to the top of his game by getting promotions, swimming in more money than he knows what to do with, having two hot boys chasing after him, having lots of sex, and planning an entire summer of great trips. We were in two very different places. 

On this particular day, I was overflowing with my own feelings and needs and I was emotionally vulnerable, especially around topics of money and success. I needed a friend - a "best friend" to help me sort out my issues and to be sympathetic towards my troubles. 

But Randy is a shark; he's not the "best friend" that I needed that day. And when you swim with a shark you need to understand what to expect. Your gonna get bit! 

This is essentially the problem: I expected Randy to treat me the way I would have treated him if the situation were reverse. Instead, all I got was bit, and quite unexpectedly. Is it Randy's fault that I got bit or should I have been expecting it? Did I project what I would have done in the situation onto him and unfairly expected too much of someone who doesn't think the way I do?

It would sound like I'm mad at the boy, and for a while I was positively furious with him. But sitting here today in my new mode of self-reflection and self-improvement, I'm trying to objectively analyze situations to see what can be learned from the experiences in my life. I truly believe that this fight and our time apart was a crucial and significant event that needed to happen and has pushed me forward, emotionally, for the better.

You see, the relationship of Randy & Sam was exactly that, "Randy & Sam." We were almost always paired together. For the longest time, if you invited Randy somewhere you knew Sam would also join. For a while, even, people were convinced we were dating. But "Randy & Sam" was even more unhealthy then it first seems because I allowed him to take the lead in nearly every situation we were in together. I allowed him to make decisions, to be the point-of-contact, to introduce me to others, and to be my safety net in uncomfortable social situations. I retreated into his shadow where I could feel safe but yet still included as one of the group but without risk. It was not a good situation for me and it was an unfair burden to place on him. I was the pilot fish to Randy's shark; swimming around and off to the side, feeding on whatever leftovers he didn't consume.

As a result of this separation, however, today I'm out on my own and am discovering a new confidence I never even knew I was lacking in the first place. My close friends are happy to see me out of Randy's shadow -- they were tired of sitting by watching the abuse he dealt me. This argument between once "best friends" and our time apart has really empowered me. It coincided with other significant changes in my life where I had no choice but to be strong, decisive, and self-reliant. It was in this time that I was reminded how strong and resourceful I am. I've really stepped up my game and am making great personal strides and accomplishments.

But there's a problem.

What didn't occur to me at the time of the fight was the possibility of a division of friends. Since "Randy & Sam" looked and acted like a married couple to so many, the natural tenancy for some of our mutual friends, it appears, is to gravitate towards one of the two divorcés. If this is the situation then I'm getting shafted.

It started two weekends ago when Chris & Michael invited Rob, Terrance & Randy out to Aqua Caliente to go camping. There was no invite for Sam. Now it could have been because of limited space in the camper. It could have been because I've only been on three previous camping trips where the others have been on twice that many, at least. It could have just been a strange coincidence that has no malice intent whatsoever. At any rate, I was left out.

Then this weekend I reached out to Randy to try and set up a lunch date to begin the mending process but was told, "I'll be in Palm Springs with the guys." Thanks to a little Facebook investigation on my part, I've learned that nearly everyone of our friends has rented a house for a long weekend desert escape to celebrate Matt's Birthday as well as Jared's Birthday. This irritates me to no end because those are MY vacations! I've been part them for years now.

At first I rationalized to myself, "they know you are without a job, Sam, and they don't want to burden you with more money problems." However Steve is out there right now and he's in worse financial shape than I am, having been in-between jobs for the entire year now. Then I thought, "well it's really a birthday for Jared and Matt and, while you are friends with Matt, you haven't formed much of a relationship with Jared. Maybe they thought it would be awkward." That was until I saw that there are some 12 guys out there in all and a couple of them are meeting Jared and his husband Brian for the first time this weekend.

The shark has bit me again! And, once again, I'm the little pilot fish who's not aggressive enough to keep hold of the relationships and friends I have (or had).

So now it's time to assert myself and be a more forward leader among these friends, if I intend on keeping them. No more waiting around for the leftover chum that is handed to me. Nope, now I know that if I want something it is up to me to take the first bite. Does anyone smell blood in the water?

I was at the gym on the treadmill today pushing further than I ever have pushed before - and that was after having done a round on the elliptical. For me, it was pretty incredible.

What was getting me so amped and pushing me beyond what I would normally do, cardio wise, was one of Casey Alva's remix sets and the song, "Incredible" by The Shapeshifters. It was moving through me something fierce and it was helping to push my fat ass further than I normally would have on that damn treadmill.

Had enough of the same old time.
My senses they need reviving.
Giving up on just getting by.
It's time for a brand new feeling.

And I thought how Incredible it is that I don't half to go back to Beachbody anymore! I was not learning, or growing or being challenged there. The job was stifling my career and it was effecting my life and my emotions. Plus, as we damn well know, they weren't paying me very much and I am tired of not having the funds to do what I want to do with my friends and with my life.

We all need comfort when times are hard.
Come on and hide away. There's no pretense here.
Don't need a thing, leave your credit card.
Put it all behind.
Had enough of the same old vibe.
All our senses they need reviving.
Give it up, we're on borrowed time.
Make way for a brand new feeling.

And I thought, wouldn't it be wonderful if I made the decision not to go into panic mode over having just been fired? Wouldn't it be great to just take some time for myself? What if I were to let go of the notion that I had to be working at a job right now and instead decided to work on myself for a while? Wouldn't that be Incredible?

I've been in this situation before: out of work, responsibilities and bills looming, the pressure to succeed and not fail out here on my own weighs upon my pride. And in those times I do the same thing -- I bust my ass looking for the next job. But really, that next job has always just been a little bit of money to satisfy those responsibilities. What if this time, I looked for something that I really loved and didn't settle on the first thing that came my way? A job I love to go to every day - that would be Incredible.

In the past when I've been without work, I've gone into this shut-down mode where I hoard cash and stay cooped up at home in order to save what little money I might have. What if this time I relax and trust my wits and The Universe by believing that money will come back into my life when I need it? What if I allowed myself to (responsibly) try some new things and have some new experiences away from the familiar? I could hire a trainer who would help push me at the gym and who really knows how to target my problem areas. I could hire a Life Coach and we could discuss my past mistakes while really exploring where I should be in the next stage of my career. I could take a cooking class and learn to cook with more fresh vegetables. I could spend a little money fixing up my house and making it a better place than it is. I could maybe travel a bit on my own and see another part of the country - that would be Incredible.

Somewhere along my life, I got it into my head that a Man's life consists of getting up, going to the office, working, coming home, and repeating. What if I took some time to discover a new routine? I could find time to practice daily meditation and even go to weekly meditation groups. I could give back to my community while finding satisfaction through volunteering. I could organically discover new interests and new things, thereby shaping me into a more rounded and interesting person - fuck, that would be Incredible.

I was raised to believe that I always had to be going to a job every single day. So when I've found myself without work before, I make job hunting priority #1 and I raced to land something fast. What if this time I put me first and work second? What if I decided that it's OK to be without a job for the next three months or so? I would, of course, look every day and make job hunting an important part of my daily routine because you never know when a great opportunity will present itself and you half to be prepared to recognize it. But I would also take the time to re-define who I am. I've always defined myself by what I do. Finding an answer to the typical first-date question, "what do you enjoy - what are your interests," would be Incredible.

Make way for a brand new feeling.

One of the downsides to being gay is that there is no roadmap - no guide to how you are suppose to act. Society provides some general yet distinct guidelines for straight folk. Boys generally have an image of what a "real man" is and they are conditioned to grow up and get married, bring home the bacon, pump out a couple of kids, and then step back and be the clueless yet comical husband/father figure who's intentions are good but who doesn't always understand what's going on in the house. Girls have this since of empowerment where they are told they can be anything they want which leads them to try to have it all including a career, husband, kids, handling the household work while keeping the husband from doing something stupid on a daily basis.

As a kid that's what I thought life was suppose to be like for me. It took me some time to get it into my head that all of that is just a big ol' lie! I only half to be exactly who I am. And who I am is a proud gay man, untethered by society's stereotypes. It's one of the many many bonuses of being gay: we get to define ourselves as individuals and not stereotypes. Even when society want's to create the stereotype of the flaming effeminate, over-the-top funny fag, we dismiss that and go to the gym, building enough muscles to beat up any stupid straight guy and impress his girlfriend with our flawless skin and manicures.

But now here is the conundrum. If I don't half to be a "man's man" and I don't half to be a "flaming queen" who then shall I be? What model should I use as inspiration to shape my life?

Long set-up, I know, but here finally is the situation....
Three weeks ago I had a huge fight with my best friend Randy. He was being his usual mean-spirited self during the day and it was particularly hurtful to my already damaged since of self-worth. But as it is with our relationship, I just sat and took the abuse and played the passive-agressive role trying to find the humor in the situation. Then in the evening we were down in Lawndale at some friend's house for a night of games and pizza. I had said prior to going that I had plans the next day and that we couldn't get wasted and spend the night down there, to which he agreed. Fast-forward to 3AM when he's drunk and on the phone trying to get Coke delivered and I'm glaring at him with contempt for his disregard of my plans. After we explode and make everyone in the house uncomfortable, I catch a cab home and write my feeling out in an email. That was the last we've spoke. I have since made attempts to contact him and have gotten no response.

To make matters more complicated, there are two events this weekend I'm scheduled to appear at. I know he will be at both these events as well.

So here's the question.....
Where do I turn to figure out how to deal with all this? Which stereotype am I suppose to follow? I could attend the parties on my own with my head held high, interacting with a room full of acquaintances while trying to avoid an awkward scene with Randy. Essentially stepping up and being the bigger "Man" in the situation.

Or I could instead stay at home alone where I am perfectly comfortable; avoiding being in a room full of strangers, all of whom are better looking and more successful than me, thereby forgoing the inevitable feelings of insecurity and worthlessness that currently plague my life. Essentially taking the effeminate gay "Mouse" route.

The easiest and most natural tenancy for me is the "mouse" option. I am realizing that I am a loner by nature and it's difficult for me to put myself out there in social situations with no safety net - be that the safety of self-confidence or the comfort of a reliable friend by my side.

I have two voices in my head tonight as I write this. One is the immortal words from my father saying to me, "if they intended this to be easy they would let women and children do it" suggesting that if I don't go tonight I'm just a big baby. And then there is my friend Wes's voice who's cheering me on by saying, "Fuck Those People!"

This is a year I'm suppose to be pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. It's a year I'm suppose to be re-defining who I am. Perhaps I've done that already, in a way, by standing up for myself and telling my "friend" that I don't appreciate his constant negative attacks at my expense. The next logical step then would be to show both him and myself that I am a strong individual by venturing out of the safety of my home and connecting with people without the aid of any safety net.

Fuck, now I half to do my nails and find a fabulous ensemble to wear tonight.

1. I've made grand statements and promises to get healthy, fit, hot, and muscular and yet I am the largest I have ever been in my life and my gut is obscene. Obscene I say! I'm a joke and am failing myself.
2. I have been beat down and demoralized even more (if you can believe it) at that shit-hole I go to every day known as work. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I have had to coach myself each morning to gather the strength just to go into the office. And there have been some very hotly contested debates in my head on the subject of just quitting on-the-spot with nothing but a small shred of dignity.
3. I had another doozy of a fight with my best friend 2-weeks ago and we haven't spoken since. I miss him (for some lame reason). And because I know I'm right in the argument (though I'm not entirely certain there is an argument - he could just be busy with travel and his new boy-toys). But I'm still not going to call him first. He needs to call me.
4. There is nothing interesting happening in my life and I have nobody to hang out with. And when I do hang out with friend, all I can think to talk about are my problems. But who wants that... so I keep quiet. I'm to the point where I need to pay someone to listen to my issues.
5. All this self-doubt and pore body image has forced me into hiding. TimTom texted last night wanting to come over. I felt so fat and unattractive that I pretended not to be home. How pathetic is that?

I wasn't going to write an entry today (I'm suppose to be cleaning right now but far be it from me to find any excuse to avoid that chore). But it's Valentine's Day and I thought something should be said.

It's becoming more and more apparent, in my early 30's, that all my friends are more seriously parring off. You've got lifers like Brian & Drew who actually have rings, then the are the newer relationships like KC & AL who, for the record, I think are good for each other. I'm not saying I want to be dating someone right now; quite the opposite - I'm actively avoiding relationships in-order to spend the time needed to improve myself.

But there is one person who I want to say, "I love you" to today. ME!

I've been pretty tough on myself for a while. And though this tough love will continue, I want to just stop on this made up holiday to remind myself that I've made some positive changes and improvements. There is still so much more to go, but sometimes I discount what I've already done. So allow me to whisper a few of these forget me not's:

• I'm paying cash for everything these days and living quite well without excess
• I'm networking and job hunting aggressively
• I've gone at least one great interview and, even though it didn't turn in my favor, I remain hopeful, positive, and resilient
• I'm living a cleaner social life having given up harsh drugs and significantly scaled back on 'lighter' drugs and excessive alcohol

I was having a little lunch the other day with some of the boys and I was telling them all about Josh & Phillip's holiday party. J&P are my studio exec friends who have this outrageous home just at the base of the Hollywood Hills. Their place, which is pretty much a mansion as far as I'm concerned, has so many rooms that some don't really have a purpose. There is one room with just a piano in it. And the room next to that is apparently a sitting room. And all of their friends who were there (and it was packed) are extremely powerful high-level executives at various studios. They are all attractive, rich, successful, dating, happy, blah blah blah. Basically, everyone at this party is they type of person I want to be.

So I'm at lunch recounting this story to my friends and saying how in awe I was by everyone at this party, when KC's boyfriend, Al, says to me, "the only difference between them and you, Sam, is they have confidence in themselves."

You know, I'm starting to really like this boy KC has found.

It's a funny thing, confidence. If you're blindly un-aware of things greater then yourself, I would imagine it easy to find confidence in those things you are exposed to. My parents, for example, have lived in the same small county in Indiana all their lives and can be relatively confident because their community accurately reflects who they are and what they will achieve in life.

But when you live in a world where you are exposed to the lavish, the famous, the powerful, the beautiful, the glamour that is and can be Los Angeles - but yet you yourself do not possess such a lifestyle - confidence in yourself and what you can achieve can be difficult to find and maintain.

I am confident in my technical abilities. I know computers and computer-aided design extremely well. I am extremely well versed in some of today's top-level programs such as FinalCut, Photoshop, Illustrator, Compressor, etc. And what I don't know I can learn quickly and easily (usually on my own).

I am confident in my creativity and imagination. I can think up funny ideas, communicate my opinions, create attractive and functional environments, and make things pretty.

I am confident in my loyalty. I stand-by and love my friends. I go out-of-my-way to help those I care about. And I dedicate myself to my work when I feel challenged and properly rewarded.

These few attributes for which do I have confidence should speak volumes about me and what I am capable of. And they should translate well into a great new job that has great rewards. But the thing is, while I am confident I can handle any new job that comes my way - I can't prove it.

Oh to half to prove yourself and your self-confidence to others. It's such a phony thing we must do. And the only way to really prove yourself in business is to have a solid track record. And with me now on version 7b of my ever-evolving resume, I am not confident that my past experiences accurately reflect what I'm capable of or want my new career path to be.

I started reading this new book tonight called The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson. It talks mostly about persistence and making small positive choices every day over the small negative choices. Both choice is seemingly insignificant in the moment, but over time the positive choices compound (so too do the negative choices). An example of this can be found in my dinner tonight. I had frozen chicken breasts at home that I could cook - or I had a frozen pizza at Pavillion's I could go buy. The pizza was tasty, BTW - thanks for asking. I am not confident I made the best dinner choice tonight. And I am not confident I have always been consistent with my dedication to, and choices in my career. Those bad career choices are biting me in the ass right now!

However...

I am confident in my ability to change and improve. 

And it all starts with a simple positive choice(s). And it starts now.

My meditation class ended three days ago and I'm happy to report that my practice is still going well. The purpose of meditating is to experience a deep level of consciousness in-order to connect with the moment. This allows your body to release stresses it has been carrying around and to become aware of your environment and the moment. And so far I think it's working. Before meditation I am usually anxious with a million +2 things running around in my head. Meditating calms me down and allows me to toss out the crap I don't need and can't really achieve today anyway, while prioritizing the items I can achieve.

But then I come back to the real world with all it's stimulants, pressures, and envy's. Blah - Stupid real world!

Over the past few years, and even more-so over the past few months, I've known my life is off-track. And my creative, hyper little mind is eager to offer quick-fix solutions it thinks my soul is so desperately searching for. It's as if my mind and soul are a couple of friends having coffee. My kind and helpful little mind, who has good intentions, is really like the friend who want's to fix your problems quickly so you'll shut-up about them and the two of you can get back to gossiping about trashy celebrities again. My little mind would say to my soul,

• "You need a boyfriend"
• "You need to workout"
• "You need to go work for a studio"
• "You need a new set of friends"
• "You need to move out of LA"
• "You need to read more books"
• "You need to learn new skills"
• "You need You need You need You need"

It is official. Sure I knew it already, but now it is fact. Now it is law. It is recognized by the establishment and can not be contested...

(this entry will probably not end up making any since)

The past two days I've woken up stressed out. Stressed out over money, or the lack there of. Yesterday I woke up to the thought that I was hungry, wanted to stop at Starbucks but wasn't sure how much money I had left between my bill and cash account. As it turned out I had just over $80 split between the two so I took out a $20 to get me through the day.

As I start this 7-year journey I'm going to need to document where I am at the start of it. I've already given a financial snapshot but this 'personal financial restructuring' is more than about numbers. It's going to be about emotions and attitudes. It's an attempt to force my life to conform to what I expect or would hope it should be. I guess I could call this journey my 'personal restructuring' and X the financial part, but whatever.