Charging Through Life

One of the downsides to being gay is that there is no roadmap - no guide to how you are suppose to act. Society provides some general yet distinct guidelines for straight folk. Boys generally have an image of what a "real man" is and they are conditioned to grow up and get married, bring home the bacon, pump out a couple of kids, and then step back and be the clueless yet comical husband/father figure who's intentions are good but who doesn't always understand what's going on in the house. Girls have this since of empowerment where they are told they can be anything they want which leads them to try to have it all including a career, husband, kids, handling the household work while keeping the husband from doing something stupid on a daily basis.

As a kid that's what I thought life was suppose to be like for me. It took me some time to get it into my head that all of that is just a big ol' lie! I only half to be exactly who I am. And who I am is a proud gay man, untethered by society's stereotypes. It's one of the many many bonuses of being gay: we get to define ourselves as individuals and not stereotypes. Even when society want's to create the stereotype of the flaming effeminate, over-the-top funny fag, we dismiss that and go to the gym, building enough muscles to beat up any stupid straight guy and impress his girlfriend with our flawless skin and manicures.

But now here is the conundrum. If I don't half to be a "man's man" and I don't half to be a "flaming queen" who then shall I be? What model should I use as inspiration to shape my life?

Long set-up, I know, but here finally is the situation....
Three weeks ago I had a huge fight with my best friend Randy. He was being his usual mean-spirited self during the day and it was particularly hurtful to my already damaged since of self-worth. But as it is with our relationship, I just sat and took the abuse and played the passive-agressive role trying to find the humor in the situation. Then in the evening we were down in Lawndale at some friend's house for a night of games and pizza. I had said prior to going that I had plans the next day and that we couldn't get wasted and spend the night down there, to which he agreed. Fast-forward to 3AM when he's drunk and on the phone trying to get Coke delivered and I'm glaring at him with contempt for his disregard of my plans. After we explode and make everyone in the house uncomfortable, I catch a cab home and write my feeling out in an email. That was the last we've spoke. I have since made attempts to contact him and have gotten no response.

To make matters more complicated, there are two events this weekend I'm scheduled to appear at. I know he will be at both these events as well.

So here's the question.....
Where do I turn to figure out how to deal with all this? Which stereotype am I suppose to follow? I could attend the parties on my own with my head held high, interacting with a room full of acquaintances while trying to avoid an awkward scene with Randy. Essentially stepping up and being the bigger "Man" in the situation.

Or I could instead stay at home alone where I am perfectly comfortable; avoiding being in a room full of strangers, all of whom are better looking and more successful than me, thereby forgoing the inevitable feelings of insecurity and worthlessness that currently plague my life. Essentially taking the effeminate gay "Mouse" route.

The easiest and most natural tenancy for me is the "mouse" option. I am realizing that I am a loner by nature and it's difficult for me to put myself out there in social situations with no safety net - be that the safety of self-confidence or the comfort of a reliable friend by my side.

I have two voices in my head tonight as I write this. One is the immortal words from my father saying to me, "if they intended this to be easy they would let women and children do it" suggesting that if I don't go tonight I'm just a big baby. And then there is my friend Wes's voice who's cheering me on by saying, "Fuck Those People!"

This is a year I'm suppose to be pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. It's a year I'm suppose to be re-defining who I am. Perhaps I've done that already, in a way, by standing up for myself and telling my "friend" that I don't appreciate his constant negative attacks at my expense. The next logical step then would be to show both him and myself that I am a strong individual by venturing out of the safety of my home and connecting with people without the aid of any safety net.

Fuck, now I half to do my nails and find a fabulous ensemble to wear tonight.