Charging Through Life

I have had some really shitty years in my life. They are the sum of events which, together, culminate into significant negative milestones in my life. So far, 2004 holds the title "The Year From Hell" in my life with 2003 being known as, "The Year I Fucked Up for Life."

You see, 2004 was when I was into some drugs, officially separated from KC but was living with him and his new boyfriend (and the dog), was renovating my new place by myself, and was getting nowhere at Technicolor. I was deep in debt, deep in despair, depressed, freaked-the-fuck out, and alone. The few things I thought I knew to be true would become incredibly wrong -- yet the challenges I thought I might never overcome have made me stronger today. As with all things, time began to mend and repair the negative effects of my mistakes from that year.

2009 has certainly fought hard for the title that 2004 holds, and it has come in at a very close second place for the title, "The Year From Hell." Events for your consideration include: A huge fight with my best friend (though we've since made up), a few bad choices involving alcohol and 'parties,' a job that has gotten me nowhere and is actually progressing backwards, being out-of-shape and not retaining my youthful looks, an inability to pay the mortgage, and - oh yea - there was that bankruptcy thing.

When you look at the core errors in judgement between this year and 2004 you'll find a repeating pattern: living beyond my means, the occasional recreational drug use, inconsistency in my dedication at work, internal worry and fret about my life with an inability to make lasting changes. These negative behaviors, repeating over-and-over, have placed me where I am today. I certainly am not saying everything is all bad and I don't want give the impression that I am in need an intervention over here. But decisive action must be taken and followed through for lasting positive effect.

Now with that bit of honesty out-of-the-way, I am very happy to report that 2009 was not a complete wash. Because of some pivotal circumstances and decisive action, 2009 was the year I began to make some progress forward. Though dramatic, when I filed for bankruptcy and had the fight with Randy I was shocked into a state of reflection. Those were the catalyst which motivated me into action. During the last quarter of 2009 some really big and positive changes have taken place where I:      
(in no particular order)

And you'll never believe this... when I do positive actions for myself I feel measurably better (don't mock or laugh at the overly obvious statements, please). For example, maintaining my meditation practice helps me release stress and fell stronger. There were a few weeks where I didn't meditate and found I was grumpy, negative, and argumentative (mostly at work - surprise).

So 2009 was bad - and it only feels like "the New Year From Hell" because it's fresher in my mind then the antics of '04. But taking everything into consideration and looking at the life-long changes and mistakes, 2004 was pretty fucking bad and 2003 was when I fucked up for life - so they deserve those titles.

So with that decided, I herby dub The Year 2009 with the title, and shall always consider it, "The Year of the Wake-Up."





2004 Sam (age 27/28)

• The year I went "balls-to-the-wall" at White Party
• The year I partied on the Mexican Riviera cruise
• The year I was hiding from my health issues
• The year I was irresponsible
• The year I realized I had to go through life my own