Charging Through Life

It's been 10 days and I have finally crawled out of the desert onto the other side. I have finished The Master Cleanse detox diet. I had mentioned that this extreme detox process is fraught with opinion and controversy so best to just experience it for myself. Well I experienced it alright. If you are considering something like this I can honestly tell you this one caution: be prepared to be hungry! I have never thought about food more than during these past 10 days. And like a crazy pregnant woman with odd cravings, I have thought about (and dreamed about) foods that normally I don't desire.

Did I loose weight? Yes.
Did I eliminate toxins? Yes.
Did I do my body good? Yes.
Did I want a burger a fries the whole time? Yes!

I don't know that I can honestly recommend this for everyone and I'm not certain I'll do it again. There is a commitment level to completing it that is challenging. And although I feel fantastic and have learned some things about my body, the payoff may not have been worth all the trouble. Throughout the process I experienced emotional swings where I was empowered to make great improvements one part of the day, and then felt like giving up another part of the day. I also sorta isolated myself from the outside because there was food and alcohol out there that I couldn't enjoy. Friends went to the movies without me, for example.

I have learned that I use food as a source of entertainment. It is something to fill the void. Sitting in my condo all day working (or trying to work) I use to let my stomach be the boss. Also, I am easily distracted, so if I got bored working or needed to take a break I would simply go and grab something to eat. Sometimes I would eat a meal just because it was "about that time."

I also learned that I often will talk myself out of better choices. Before, when I was hungry and looking around the kitchen, part of my brain would be saying, "make a salad - it's healthy," while the other side of my brain would say, "fuck it - you've got a box of mac & cheese sitting right there." Guess which side would win? Completing this process has made me more aware of these habits so I will hopefully make better conscious choices in the future.

After 10 days of eating a bushel of lemons I can say that, yea, I lost some weight. However it's not a substitute for the gym and a good diet.

One of the main reasons I decided to do this was to loose a little bit of weight. Because of my "fuck it" attitude of the past few months, my belly region had expanded and I was not pleased. I am happy to report that my gut has gone down, though it's still not flat and ripped like I dream it should be. The other thing I've learned is that The Master Cleanse is not a substitute for exercise. Rather than being a quick-fix solution, it should be thought of as a jump-start jolt to a better lifestyle. And I'm absolutely committing myself to that mindset.

If you are considering The Master Cleanse I have a couple of helpful suggestions for you.

1. Have a buddy. This is not something to do on your own because misery loves company.
2. Do it for the right reasons. This should be used as a jump-start to better choices and eating more whole foods cooked from home. If you're just going to run back out to Burger King afterwords, or can only cook with Hamburger Helper, then don't bother.

 The biggest takeaway from this experience is a since of accomplishment. I experienced something very difficult to do and saw it through to completion. Come on, I was basically starving myself for the past 10 days on purpose and didn't give up. It's another example for me to recall on when faced with uncertainty or hesitation in life that that will remind me that I am bigger than I sometimes give myself credit for and I WILL do anything I set my mind to.

Now, can somebody now please find me damn muffin!

People said I was crazy to do the 10-day Master Cleanse. Here on day 3, I wonder if they may be right. It has been a rather difficult day mentally for me. My emotions have run the gamut from empowered to depressed. I've spent the day alone wanting to be productive and accomplish some work, but instead I've mostly sat around by myself wanting to munch on something.

I began to question my motives for doing this cleanse when it hit me... this is only day 3! If I can't stick to something for more than 3 days then there is something very wrong here. I am no stranger to change and I'm only changing myself for 10 stupid days. It should be a piece of cake.
(yummmmmmm cake)

It's really more a matter of habits. I am in the habit of eating solid foods. I am in the habit of being comforted by food. I am in the habit using food as a source of entertainment outside of the home. And it's because of these habits that I must complete The Master Cleanse.

These bad habits need to be flushed out of me like the toxins that have accumulated from years of consuming processed food. Hopefully, upon the conclusion of this experience, I will see a new slate upon which to scribe new habits for myself. No sodas, fresh juice, more vegetables, complex carbs. Sounds simple enough to do, but when you are mired in habits that are convenient, you need something significant to initiate even simple changes.

But you can be damn sure that I fully intend on treating myself to a cheeseburger after all this shit! (hopefully I'll choose to use ground turkey for a change)

If anyone is actually out there reading this blog (and I sometimes question that) you'll notice a few themes that have run rampant this past year: money, relationships and weight.

Now anyone who knows me will probably describe me as a skinny bitch who looks 10 years younger than he is. (to which I say, "fabulous!") If there is one thing I have learned in my years as a gay man it's how to bat a smile to divert attention from the things I don't want you to see. Like a magician, I distract you with one hand while covering my belly with the other.

But I am becoming more increasingly aware that I am now, in fact, 34, single, maturing, and not at my optimal/ideal weight and/or self. It is with this in-mind that I have started the 10-day "Master Cleanse" detox (and hopefully diet). It is a somewhat gross sounding regiment where you replace all foods with a lemonade concoction for ten days, and then begin re-introducing food into your system for 3 more days. It is fraught with opinion and controversy on the internet and among friends who all will give you an opinion. Even I once persuaded a friend against doing it. But then, what the hell.

This is day 1 and the reason I am performing this cleanse.  It is also the only time you will see such a horrible photo of me.

I'm using this as a stepping-off point for my healthy life. You see, after I was fired I was very much motivated to get into the best shape of my life by eliminating processed foods, and having a better since of what I put into my body. And for the first two months things went great. But I get distracted easily and became unfocused. The Master Cleanse is my attempt to reinvigorate that drive in my appearance; which should then lead to better choices and increased confidence.

Of course people are persuading me against it. Of course there are experts online who speak and write about the body's fantastic waste management capacity and that a gimmick such as this does no actual good and could even harm you. Of course it's a damn inconvenience to be social while you are doing this; last night there was cake and tonight there will be drinks and snacks.

But I look at this as one of life's experiences. There are a lot of opinion out in the world, some of them sound and some of them shit. But I'm finding most opinions to be gray and generalized. Nobody truly has any answers. To fully understand something you must experience it. And when else in my lifetime will I have the opportunity to experience controversial things like: leaving a job that I dislike, starting a new career from scratch, re-defining my friendships to more healthy ones, and trying to drop 10+ pounds in ten days on a cleansing fast.

If you are actually out there reading this, stay tuned and see what I look like in ten days - and if I can continue making myself a more healthy me afterwords.

There comes a time in every TV sitcom's life where all the writers ditch work and the producer's only option is to do a year-in-review show. Something cheesy, that you only need one editor and some past episodes to compile, and someting that reminds everyone how far the characters have come in a year. So with that in-mind, Ladies and Gentlemen I give you my 1 year blog-in-review entry!!!!!!!!

Yes it has been one year since I started writing "Charging Through Life." Originally, you may recall, the blog had a stupid lame name, "33 going on 40." Boooooo. You also might remember the inspiration for starting this whole thing came from an impending doom on my life. I was contemplating bankruptcy, I had just had "major fight #1" with my then best friend. And I was getting my ass handed to me at Beachbody. It was the most stressed out time in my life - which is saying something - because my financial snapshot was shot. Let's take a look:

• • On Aug. 8, 2009 I was carrying 3-times as much debt as I had cash-on-hand. I was $38,277 in the red and could only see to find $10,404 in assets.
• • One year later my debt is completely eliminated and I have $22,760.45 in liquid assets.

Money was clearly a big challenge in my life a year ago. But fueling that challenge was my job at Beachbody. I was stuck and not growing or being challenged. And I was lost, unsure of what I could do that would make me happy. I knew how to "play the game" and be a good employee, I just didn't know that I wasn't playing it. Overall, I was certain that my life needed to change, I just had no direction on how to do it. Let's see what has changed:

• On Aug. 22 & Oct. 12 I expressed how lost I felt and wondered how anyone ever discovers the correct route to take in life for career/life satisfaction. Then on Nov. 16 I got a wake-up call at work that got me thinking, though probably not in the way my boss thought it would.
• Today I am out of corporate life and have launched my own freelance company with four clients to-date. There is definitely a direction in my life: up. And I recognize more than ever how talented, smart, and creative I am and how to begin translating that into a career.

There were two major events that set into motion most of the improvements I've gained throughout this past year. The first was taking a leap of faith over to The Valley followed a couple months later by bringing myself back to zero. The second major event was realizing that all I had to do was to just lie a little, but understanding that it wasn't going to make me happy.

• On Aug. 24 I met with a bankruptcy attorney and began a process that took me to debt-free on Sept. 26. Then the next year on March 25 I was finally fired from Beachbody.
• Today I remain debt-free (of course I can't qualify for credit yet but I'm working on it). And I have more satisfaction in working for myself than ever in my career before.

Wackiness was never in short-supply around me this past year. I've tried and experimented with many new things like looking for a spiritual path for my life, gazing at the stars for answers, finding a new cheerleader in my life, and seeing if money could possibly grow on trees. What I've learned in all this was to just go for it in life and try what is different, new and scary. You're going to get knocked down a bit, but that's OK.

Folks, we have successfully completed season one! And I think we have all learned a little, laughed a little, and discovered some new things about ourselves. Be sure to join us again next year when we take a look back at some fantastic new adventures that are certain to keep you entertained all this coming year. Until then, I'm Sam Watkins. Good Night.

Once upon a time there was a plucky little gay boy named Sam who was on top of the world. You see, Sam had just been freed from a horrible, wicked existence that he had been trapped in for years. Sam had been in a dead-end job. But, because Sam was a crafty little gay boy, he was able to escape from that reality. And oh how happy, driven, and adventurous Sam felt when he did finally escape! He saw a whole world of possibilities and was going to start exploring them and living them.  It was a grand time and a grand adventure for the plucky little gay boy named Sam.

I vaguely recall that fairy tale. It was sweet. I certainly enjoyed the heroism of the plucky little gay boy.... whatever his name was. He saw opportunity and was going to make his new life Incredible. I wonder how well he did with all that?

Well he started out good, certainly. He was very accomplished those first few months and very busy with his exciting new life. But now......
it's been three months since I stopped hitting bootcamp daily,
it's been three months since I stopped tracking my weight and eating well,
it's been three months since I set and achieved goals and daily tasks to improve my situation.

In these past three months I've gained noticeable weight, started drinking soda again, have become reclusive and shy in my house, and am overall apathetic towards my future or any prospects for work.

Sure it's true that every fairy tail needs a villain, I just didn't realize the villain in this story would be me and my own dwindling drive to accomplish things. I've given up one "horrible, wicked existence" working at Beachbody and simply replaced it with another -- not working.

Most days I'll scroll through other people's Facebook postings to see what fun, amazing things they are dong. For instance, Troy & Craig are off enjoying a private cabana today in Vegas.  Oh, look at all the boys who are cheering for "Sunday Funday" at their favorite gay bar today. And like Rapunzel, I just sit in my room gazing through this "window" of mine waiting for someone to come rescue me.
Well now that's just fucking retarded, Sam.

Nobody is going to come 'save' me and just hand me the keys to a castle and this great fairy tale life I'm dreaming up. If I'm going to have anything happen I've got to MAKE it happen. The plucky little gay boy in the fairy tale knew that. So what happened to him? Where's his plucky little drive gone?

I feel as though I'm cursed with boredom. I must have taken a bite out of a poisoned apple, because I've just been lying around for months not doing anything.

Alright, it's clear that there's no Prince Charming coming on a horse to deliver me a hot kiss or something great to do with my life. I don't know why I was expecting him to show up when I know the only solution is for me to sprinkle some fairy dust on my fat ass and get moving.

I'm going to check back in on the plucky little gay boy in three months time from now. By November 1st I want to have achieved 5 goals for myself. They are:

1. To complete a 90-day fitness routine that consists of bootcamp, P90X, and yoga classes
2. To be eating more clean, nutritious meals made from home
3. To be bringing in supplemental income through freelance work or a new job
4. To maintain a daily routine of house chores, exercise, and office work
5. To have "improved" myself through new reading/learning assignments and new friends

To Be Continued....

Boy, your flame needs a lot of attention to stay lit. Fan your own flame for a while, my arm's getting tired.

Having been friends with Kenyon for 15 years definitely has it's advantages. The boy knows how to put me in my place. Now I've never considered myself to be a "high-maintanance" sorta friend but the noise in my head does spill out from time-to-time and there's one person I know to call to help weed out the crap.

I was invited this coming Saturday to a pool party hosted by Rob and Terrance. Great guys. But the party consists all of that other group of friends I was hanging out with before I got bit and got fired. To me, this group of people represent what I should be. They all have great jobs, their shit is together (mostly) and they are where they should be with their lives at 30-something. They're not like my current friends who all have money troubles, or drinking problems, or self-esteem issues.

I should be aligning myself with this more successful group and allowing them to naturally push and motivate me during these difficult times of mine. Problem is, they're not the one's who are around for me during the tough times. They're not the ones I open up to or the ones I can just be myself around. It's the "troubled" group who are the ones who've been there for me.

I guess what I'm saying here is that I resent this more successful group for not being what I would call "better friends." And I'm carrying that resentment around and it's preventing me from wanting to RSVP to a simple pool party. I think to myself that, they only want to be friendly when times are fun. But what about the rest of the time?

This is something KC just can not figure out about me. To him, we're going to a fun afternoon event with boys and booze. It's something for him to look forward to. He asked me what it would take for me to feel comfortable around these "friends of mine," to which I said, "having them think I'm pretty, funny, and to pay attention to me."

Yep. This is a high-maintanance flame I've got burnin' up in here.

No surprise that I'm over-thinking all this. I'm reading into a situation where there's nothing to read. I'm projecting my insecurities onto what other people are thinking about me. What I've got to remember is: people AREN'T thinking about me - not like I think they are. I'm all consumed with what other people think that I forget about their insecurities that they're carrying around about themselves.

I've got two friends in Rob and Terrance who've lost contact with me for a few months because of.... well life. And they're just throwing a pool party. It's up to me to put down this feeling of resentment that is ill-placed and go have a drink and flirt with some boys. It's up to me to shut my mind off from it's constant state of fret and self-doubt and go have some mindless fun for an afternoon.

Maybe I'm not as put together as other people there. Maybe I've got some challenges in my life right now. Maybe I need to work harder to catch up to where I should be.
And maybe everyone there will marvel at my youthful looks and cute outfit, and then tell me how much they admire how strong and resilient I've been through all that I've had to deal with.
(Burn bright, flame. Burn!)

Finally fate finds a foothold to foil my foundation and I'm freaking out.

Before my bankruptcy, I was trying to hold all of my obligations together and was failing miserably. I wasn't above trying anything to get ahead in my dire situation (notice how not much has changed). I was looking for a new job, looking for a raise, looking for better credit offers, looking for a leprechaun.

Then Congress approved Obama's "Making Home Affordable" program and I jumped at it. The government was going to force banks to re-structure bad loans from fraudulent lenders like mine! Thank you Democrats.

You want to know what I've learned about government mandated programs? They are vague, complicated, and slow to roll out.  I've been trying to get my two mortgages modified for almost a year now. And here's the bad part: during that time I haven't been paying on said mortgage.

I know! I know! Bad homeowner. Bad! But I didn't have enough cash to make the full payment each month and, thanks to the bankruptcy, I got put into a legal loophole sorta scenario where the bank wasn't allowed to call on me to collect and I wasn't obligated to make payments (sorta). Plus I needed the cash! And I figured BofA has plenty of money and plenty of hassles dealing with the government, bad press and people who are in real trouble. (FIY: I'm in real trouble)

Anyway, the loan modification is moving along now, finally; they have all my paperwork, and my application has been moved to the underwriter who should approve my new mortgage in 30-45 days. So all is cool, right?

Well, as with bureaucracies the size of Bank of America, one hand doesn't always know or care what the other hand is doing and because of that my account has been sent to foreclosure.

Oye that's a scary word and a big pill to swallow. Foreclosure. It just sounds mean.

And let me tell you, the paperwork you get that says "Foreclosure" at the top is all sorts of legal jargon that, might be English, but not anything I understand - and I'm smart. I can't imagine trying to interpret this stuff without an education.

Hope, however, is not all lost. I've been in contact with the bank on a daily basis and they assure me that the modification is moving right along, there are no issues with any of it, and the foreclosure thing is sorta standard and it will go away just as soon as the modification is approved. So I trust them? (he asked hesitantly) 
No, not really.

Oh what another fine mess I have gotten myself into! One I certainly never imagined myself being in. I mean, come on, I'm better than this, smarter than this, and far to pretty to half to deal with such things.

So now I must do the only thing I can which is to start managing the situation more closely. I've contacted my lawyer and put him on stand-by. I've been all over BofA making sure the loan modification paperwork is moving forward and setting dates to follow up on their actions. And I'll get into contact with the attorney for BofA who's filing the foreclosure to ask for an extension. Good news there is that they haven't set a sale date and that process usually takes 3 months to set.

Dear Baby Jesus, when will these money troubles of mine end? When will I begin living the fabulous life that I am destine to live? When will you send me a fabulous high-paying job, a winning lotto ticket, a rich husband, or a leprechaun of my very own?

Foreclosure. It's such an ugly word and I'm embarrassed that my life has come to this.
FUCK!
FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!