Charging Through Life

We are hours away from 2011 and I am so very excited. My mind can get very compartmentalized and oriented to steps and timeframes. It's a fault I'm working on. Because while I can see the overall picture and the steps necessary for completion, there are times when I get stuck on a step and can not get around it. Starting points are also quite big for me. And 2011, it seems, has been build up as a major starting point in my head. Like a runner positioned in his starting blocks, I am ready to get going on my journey, but must first wait for the gun to go off and the ball to drop.

I see 2011 as my construction year. As we know, 2009 was when much of my life fell apart, and the house was still crumbling a bit into 2010. But the adjusters have come to see me late this past year and I have a fresh new plan to start my life anew. Every action I take in 2011 will be for the purpose of constructing a new existence unrecognizable to the failed one that was based on a blueprint of conventional thinking.

My umbrella goal is to turn myself into a Power Gay; the successful, well-rounded achiever who excels at all his endeavors. But that is an overall life goal that I will forever be striving for. To move me a step closer I must begin by constructing an entirely new existence. And I see it culminating throughout 2011 in 4 key areas:

1. Body
2. Spirit
3. Social
4. Mind

There is a fun, romantic, energetic, and adventurous feeling most people associate with Las Vegas. Sin City has successfully cultivated positive memories for itself as a premiere entertainment destination for millions... even while taking your money from right in front of you.

For the entire past week before Christmas, I've been on vacation in Vegas with KC & Regan. First let me say that I am extremely proud that I've spent probably only about $350 for the entire week and have seen exhibits, shows, night clubs, drank, and gambled. Not sacrificing too much overall, I've had a pretty full Vegas experience for only a little more than I would have spend at home. But, you see, I've been in Vegas many times and know a few tricks. And unlike the vast majority of tourists, I've been looking around this town a bit.

Like many of the headlining shows, Las Vegas Boulevard and it's glitzy tourist draw is simply a magical illusion. While you are staring in awe at the fountains of Bellagio or the big gold tiger outside of MGM, you are distracted from the things Vegas doesn't want you to see as much like the old and class-less Hooters discount hotel or cheep and tired Bill's Gamblin' Saloon. When you think of Vegas you're thinking about the fancy shops and wonderful casinos, but look towards what the magician is trying to hide and you'll see very poor and old souvenir shops, pawn shops, and more cheep strip clubs than anyone can count.

There's an income gap in this country and The Vegas Strip is a condensed, exaggerated example of the issue. On The Strip today you can be in Gucci and Louis Vuitton on one side of the street and 7-11 on the other. While the rich go and buy the most exquisite jewelry and fashion available in the world, the poor are not far away picking up cigarettes and hot dogs. And I'm not even discussing the impoverished and homeless who are begging for money on the elevated crosswalk in-between the two destinations. But the gap between how fast the rich are improving and the poor are declining is perfectly visible and illustrated in Vegas, literally right across the street from one another.

The middle class in this analogy are just a block away at MGM & New York New York casinos chunking their change into slot machines and throwing down bets on red or black on the roulette wheel. Because, you see, just like in the rest of the country, Vegas is good at leering those with a little bit of discretionary income into placing sucker bets. Again, the magician's illusion is to tell you there is a choice in the matter and that you're having fun walking amongst the wealthy and beautiful. But the trick is that the magician is only using you for his needs and the game is rigged. The lazy middle class are not interested in thinking about the strategy of the game they are playing or trying to learn or look around, so they don't educated themselves on the points of the game being played. Instead the middle class are simply stepping up and throwing out all their cash on two choices that, in the end, are exactly the same: either Republican Red or Democratic Blue (I mean black or red).

Both Las Vegas and the US can treat the middle class with such little disregard because the middle class population is so vast and because eventually they will do as they are told and go home, go back to work where, again, they will be too distracted with life to learn the manipulation tactics being used on them every day to take their cash.

And yet the incredibly rich, the incredibly poor, and the blind middle class are all interested in having a good time and being entertained. What I also find fascinating is how entertainment can pop up for anyone and at any price level. If you've got the cash you're off to see "O" or Cher in concert. If you are poor you'll probably stick to the free pirate show at TI or maybe get a lap dance at a strip club. The middle class will want to see the latest shows but will settle for "Mystere" (which they won't understand) or "Chris Angel's Believe" (which sucked -- don't bother with that one).

So am I turning into a socialist? Do I want everyone to be equal? Do I think that everyone deserves the same? No.

My Vegas vacation has taught me that the economy is diverse and yet survives. There's no need to listen to the doombs-day predictions on the news. But the gap between the street is real and it is widening, make no mistake. Oh, and those fancy shops for the rich are mostly being visited by foreign tourists these days because less and less American's can afford them. Yes, thanks to a very week dollar, I have seen a ton of visitors from Asia this week.

As individuals, we need to look around at our surroundings a little more often and not be distracted by the shiny objects the magician wants us to look at. We need to educate ourselves on the things that look complicated instead of simply plunking our fat asses down in front of a slot machine or TV all night long. Instead of taking the sucker bet and playing by the easy-to-understand rules of going to work every day and earning a pathetic wage, why not re-invent the game and play by your own rules? Find a game and a life that you are passionate about and make the most of it.

In Vegas the house always wins. Make damn sure you are 'the house' of life.

What kind of homo are you? Our little 10% community is quite a diverse one. There are twinks, bears, gym rats, Asian queens, drag queens, tired queens, otters, gaymers, Stepford Fags, activists, leather daddies, trannies, bar trash, sugar daddy, daters, haters, and masturbaters. We are a colorful bunch with many distinctions.

Last weekend I went to a holiday party thrown by my friends Josh & Philip. It's an annual gala affair that brings out the crème de la crème of the Hollywood queers. Josh & Philip are major players and their lives reflect that. They have a massive house: there's a room for the baby-grand, a room for just a fireplace, and a room for books. They have awesome careers that they earned by graduating with honors from top institutions. And they are well-rounded with a variety of interests including world travel, rock climbing, and exotic yoga retreats; yet they remain grounded and genuine to all their friends. Josh & Philip, along with a significant number of those in attendance at this holiday party, are what you would call "Power Gays!"

My Power Gay friend showing off a little on holiday in Bali. Seriously, powerful.

A Power Gay is the Maybach of the homo family. They are successful, shiny, and exclusive. But unlike a high-priced car, the Power Gay remains approachable, grounded, interesting, genuine, and well-rounded. Sure you'll see a Power Gay at the occasional circuit event jumping around shirtless with his perfectly chiseled chest; but he never goes overboard or get's trashy. The Power Gay may be interested in having a night of fun with all his friends, but he will also get up the next day for his group exercise class, yoga, run, or art tour.

A leader in the community, Power Gay's perform charity work and are recognized for their good deeds; yet being gay does not define them and they have interests outside of the community. Highly successful and competitive, a Power Gay does spend a considerable amount of time at his office where he is no doubt CEO, EVP, CMO, or some other combination of a 3-letter title. But you will also find that a Power Gay spends an above-average amount of time on adventurous vacations in history-rich cities that don't have English-speaking tour busses.

Not to confuse you though, a Power Gay can also earn the title through ingenious creativity, activism, and community respect - and not posses the corporate gig or vacations. Let me be clear, tons of money and an expensive wardrobe does not a Power Gay make. It's not about wealth or influence. It's about an overall presence, drive, and character. You can't be a Power Gay if you're an asshole or elitist; and you can't be a Power Gay just because your popular and can blow your way into any club you want.

Simply put, Power Gays excel at everything they do. They amplify all the best qualities inherent to every homosexual.

Every gay person is special and every gay person, by nature of our struggles, has a power within ourselves to draw upon during the dark and troublesome times of our lives. That inner-queer light is a given trait we each have earned through our trying experiences. But it's the Power Gay who is able to tap into that core queer being and ignite it until it radiates from himself and shines upon others with a positive influence. He takes all the powers and traits of his inner homo-being and lives a life of uncompromising excellence, setting a standard for himself and for others.

I saw many fine examples of Power Gays this past weekend and I see some great examples all throughout our community. These pillars have inspired me. Their light has hit me in a new way. A year ago I was emotionally a million miles from where I am today with little confidence in my abilities and was rather jealous of the people at this same party. But only a year later so many things have changed; I have shed much of the negative baggage I once carried.

Though it will be a struggle and something I may never obtain, I vow in 2011 to begin my quest towards becoming my own Power Gay in life! Like any noble quest, I may never achieve victory, nor may I realize if and when I do. But it is simply the quest to become a Power Gay that I feel I must now journey in order to achieve my goals and become my best queer-self.

Who among you is Man enough to join me on this noblest of quests?

Funny thing about year-in-reviews and New Years Resolutions, you don't know what to expect in the future - what obstacles and surprises life has waiting for you. About this time last year I took a moment to, not only reflect on the previous year, but also make some plans for 2010. I called it my 10 for X list, a set of healthy choices I wanted to make more often than not for myself. I had no way of predicting, at that time, how things would turn out in 2010. Getting fired, being threatened with foreclosure, launching a consulting business, starting an internet corporation - none of this was on my radar. All I could do during this time last year was to set out some goals and dreams for the months ahead.

There are small pockets of wisdom I have gleamed from my Father and have been able to adapt to actual functional advise over the years. You need to understand that my Dad and I come from completely different worlds. If women are from Mars and men come from Venus, then my Dad hails from Mercury and I hang out in Uranus. Growing up, there wasn't a lot of relevant life lessons the old man could pass down to his closeted gay son that were going to stick. However one bumper-sticker phrase of his has been popping up in my mind lately...

If they meant this to be easy they'd let Women and Children do it.

A strange sentiment for someone to comprehend who was himself a child at the time; and during a time when gender roles were decentegrading faster than the Berlin Wall. But understanding my father's '50s rural Indiana upbringing, I think I understood what he was saying. Nothing worth achieving ever comes easy.

Yesterday was sorta a shit day. I had it fully scheduled and it was suppose to be quite productive all around. But through a series of unrelated circumstances, none of which instigated by me, every meeting got canceled and I was left with a lot of unproductive alone time to think. And what kept popping up in my head was the uncertainty of success in my new business venture. I've put all my eggs in one basket (to steal another phrase from Dad) and I'm taking a huge risk on something that is more likely to fail than not.

The architect of this corporation, Richard, is more of a thinker and a player than a planner and do-er. And I'm finding it difficult to keep him focussed and on track; which is making me wonder if I have a partner who can hold up his end of the bargain and see this company through to profit. It's becoming more and more apparent that I must assume a leadership role and begin making decisions for the group and the company. Question is: will the millionaire who's idea this all was and who's funding the whole damn thing yield to my business decisions? Or is he only interested in acting like a well-funded frat boy on spring break in exotic places like South Beach, The Caribbean, and Brazil?

I kept thinking yesterday, wouldn't it be easier for me to just go get a desk job at Disney? There was that online video job that I could try to go interview for. Shouldn't I try to do things like a normal person? "Normal" people go out and get jobs and get steady paychecks. That would be a far easier route to take.

And that's when I realized what Dad was talking about. Creating this company is not easy and it's not suppose to be. The Universe has engineered this time in my life to be full of difficult tasks. I'm attempting to completely re-define my life and how it will be lived from now on. If it were easy to change your entire life or start a successful and profitable online company, then everyone would be doing it - women and children included.

I think 2011 is going to full of tasks and challenges meant only for Men to attempt. Getting myself into peek physical shape, creating and launching this corporation, seeking out my true passions in life -- these are not simple things to accomplish. Most people will never do any of these things because they are difficult. It is far easier to just sit on the couch and eat chips, get a job and have someone else tell you what to do, and spend your free time getting drunk; and so that's what the majority of people choose to do.

It's a test of a Man's character to rise to the challenge and say, "I'll tackle this - this thing that is difficult." Failure is an understood risk that must be part of the equation. Most people don't want to fail so they don't do things that come with risk. A true Man welcomes the threat of failure and sees it as worthy opponent to spar against in gentlemanly battle. While others watch from the sidelines, a Man sizes his obstacles, chooses his weapons, forges his alliances, and marches forward towards his goal. It is in these times a real Man is defined and becomes separated from the women and children in life.

So. Bring it on, Bitch!

And it starts again. I don't know if anyone actually reads this blog, but even I'm tired of listening to me talk about today's topic: exercise. I get all pumped up and proclaim in a big way that I'm going to transform my body into a hot, sexy, ripped gay machine only to get distracted a few weeks into my new fitness routine. Yet as it was with so many blog entries before this, today I will be making yet another grand statement proclaiming big plans for my improved health and fitness (feel free to use this time to think about your own life and goals because, folks, you've heard all this before from me).

It has been 3 years, 9 months, and 6 days since I was first introduced to P90X when I was hired by Beachbody. And in that entire time I have yet to complete the 90-day program! Oh, sure, I've started it more times than I care to think - I've just never finished it. Something distracts me, I get stressed out, I see something shiny to play with.... who knows what my problem is. It has also been 6 months and 5 days since I hit a gym of any kind including Barry's Bootcamp. Obviously, lately I have not had the proper focus for.... hey look at this cool, pretty thing!

So after putting on some extra weight and having KC point out that my gut is starting to look like my Dad's, I've realized that it's time to get back to work! I started out on Saturday with the P90X "Cardio X." Not a particularly difficult program; it has a little bit of everything from yoga, kempo, and core. Easy peasey. But sunday morning I was woken up by my sore muscles -- like the kind of pain I would expect after an intense bootcamp workout, not a few minutes of fucking Cardio!

But sticking to it, I popped in P90X "Kenpo" on Sunday. I've never done this disc; I've never stuck with the program long enough to make it to this one. Kenpo is all martial arts punch and kick training. No weights, no resistance, just punching air. I quickly found out that I don't know how to throw a punch - I punch like a girl! But I stuck with it and didn't give up.

This morning, more sore muscles. Seriously, what is this? The fucking air kicked my ass! What?

I popped in P90X "Shoulders & Back" and grabbed my 20lbs weights which use to be no problem to wield through the full workout. Half-way through I had to drop down to 10lbs.  I am SUCH a little girl!

What is the lesson in all this? Exercise is like breathing: you really can't stop for too long or else you're going to find yourself in trouble. So I am gong to take a deep breath and push through the pain this week and ramp up to a very serious workout schedule. My plan is to get myself up to 2-hours a day and keep that up (as much as possible) until my birthday at the end of May. For my 35th birthday I want to do a sexy photo shoot with celebrity photographer Adam Bouska. And one of the photos will be me wearing boxing gloves or something hot and manly (provided I learn how to throw a punch by then).

Until that time, I am going to stay resilient, do the work, stay motivated and know that tomorrow I'm going to be in so much pain.

What would you do if you won the lottery tomorrow? Everyone has that dream of what they would do, how they would change their life if, magically, one day they had more money than they ever thought possible. And you hear the stories all the time: some poor factory worker or office pool in Pahrump, Nevada holds the single winning lottery ticket worth millions and their lives are now forever changed.

My jackpot fantasy includes much of the normal stuff as everyone else. I would quit my job, buy some new clothes, maybe buy a condo, get a trainer, invest my money - very important for long term sustainability, and maybe start a business of some kind.

Then the other day it hit me.... I'm living that life! (minus the Brink's Truck full of cash, of course).

While my real-life isn't turning out as grand as I had fantasized, the fact remains that I did quit my job this year (by getting fired), I own my condo (sorta/barely), I bought new clothes (from H&M), I have a trainer (who I haven't seen since April), I know how to invest money (just need to do it), and I have my own business and am on the verge of starting a company (both of which aren't making money yet).

Clearly I am on my way to a blissful life!  ....OK, so the reality still needs a little bit of work to look like the fantacy. But isn't it cool that I'm living out this fantasy life others are still only dreaming?

And then it hit me... so what happens now? What comes next in this fantasy life? Once you have the superficial material crap, what should you want next?

I began reading Chris Guillebeau's book, The Art of Non-Conformity from his manifesto, "A Brief Guide to World Domination." In each he suggests that the two most important question in the universe are:  1) "What do you really want to get out of life?" 2) "What can you offer the world that no one else can?" Those two questions have me very much stumped right now. I don't know the answer to either one! What I want out of life seems to change, like daily (just read this blog and you'll see). And once I'm confident of what I can bring the the world's table, something comes along that makes me question my abilities.

It comes down to a matter of passion. If you have passion in your life, those two universal questions become easy to answer. Without a passion in your life, you're doomed to just blow all your lottery winnings on fake tacky gold chotchkies and live a miserable life hoping for more money to solve your growing problems. It happens all the time to the factory worker in Pahrump who wins the lottery, as well as the corporate executive in Bentonville who works 80-hour weeks behind a desk. I don't want to live like that! I want to live for something more!

So as we are nearing the end of 2010 and I am contemplating my future path and goals for 2011 and beyond, I find myself contemplating the need for passion and am trying to figure out what I am passionate about. Any ideas?

To hang out inside my brain is to hang out in a very noisy place full of contradiction. When I'm seriously thinking about my life, which is often these days, it's a full-blown argument up there. Seriously, I would not be shocked one bit if I were to one day be diagnosed as schizophrenic because I can hold entire conversations with myself, in my head, and have completely opposing viewpoints... from myself.

This weekend I was going over in my head the recent decision to cast safety aside and throw all my effort into a new online business venture with my business partner, Richard. We are starting an online membership site to teach people the art of glamour photography as a hobby and as a noble way to meet people. And yet, as it is with my life these days, as soon as one good opportunity presents itself, another good offer comes right around the corner. I am scheduled for an interview with Technicolor tomorrow for a customer service director position where I would re-locate to Virginia for 6 months before settling permanently in LA. And, no, doing both is not an option - I have to choose between them.

"What an awful predicament to find yourself in," you might be thinking, dear reader. Here I am with no job currently, and yet have two great options to choose from. "Oh the perils of being Sam at this moment in time."

But actually, having options is stressful. My choices will take me in two completely opposite directions. There is A) the safe corporate route which ensures me a steady paycheck that is more than I have ever made in any one place in my life, but will be boring and creatively stifling --- or option B) starts an entirely un-charted venture where unprecedented success or failure is mine to achieve all on my own and nothing is guaranteed  - and the odds are stacked against me.

So as I am pondering the merits of both options in my mind, the argument is posed seemingly from nowhere, "why do you always go for the more difficult route in life, asshole?" (Understand that I have no idea where that argument came from which is why it's entirely possible that I'm clinically crazy - and, yes, my brain calls me names sometimes so there's that I need to figure out with my shrink).

But crazy or not, the depths of my consciousness had a point: why not just go for the safe, easy choice? Do I always need to make my life more difficult?

There is an excellent chance I am being naive here, but there's one thing I know to be certain: nobody ever made it big by playing things safe. Problem with that line of reasoning is that we only hear about the major success stories in life and not the major failures. So, again the question is posed, do I go big or go safe?

I suppose I should count my blessings and recognize that, though I may fail, I owe it to myself and The Universe to at least try this more dangerous venture. Complacency can be an awful and infectious condition that grows throughout a society. Effort and hard work are not always rewarded, but satisfaction can only be gained from the effort. Or as my Dad would more simply put it, "If it were easy they would let women and children do it."

So I guess what I'm saying here is that I'm going to go for that which is difficult and try something big, something hard, something dangerous. I am going to test my wits and creativity and see if I can make something out of nothing. And in 6 to 8 months time I will look back at this blog entry and figure out if I chose correctly or if I should have listened to the argument raging inside my head - even if it does make me out to be a wack-a-doo.

One thing I am not is religious. I find the whole notion of organized religion to be phony and, for the most part, devoid of merit. Some people of faith lead virtuous lives and don't harm or judge others, but they tend to be a rare few compared with the hoards of crazy nut-balls who condem everything they don't understand.

I went to church as a kid and observed a very cliquish environment where you sit and basically watch an interactive stage show with singers, musicians, and a motivational speaker. And half-way through the show they pass around a dish for your cash. Wars have been fought over this silly performance and the belief system it instills. And what's stranger yet, most groups who go to war over religion have  basically the same core belief system, just different celebrities and wardrobe.

So when someone begins rambling on about religion or using religious terms, I tend to tune them out - politely as not to offend, of course. But the other day someone said something that made me take notice.

Your life has been blessed, Sam. You should realize that and had better make something of yourself.

The conversation went on and he backed up what he was trying to say. And it got me thinking:  Was I living a blessed life? Have I been given certain advantages and opportunities others have been denied? Is there a celestial being who favors my outcome in life and has put me on some cosmic VIP list? I mean look, here I am currently not working a regular job and yet I have managed to fend off foreclosure of my expensive and attractive condo (for now). I have fantastic friends and a deep connection with KC who is an incredibly amazing human being to travel through life with. And though I have been dealt my share of challenges and difficulties, they never end up as bad for me as they do for others. Plus I'm potentially on the verge of creating a new professional career for myself that will be wildly successful, all because I happily stumbled upon this crazy millionaire with a philosophy and an idea.

I must consider the possibility that I am blessed when compared with friends who, despite all their efforts and good intentions, never seem to get a break. It's as if they are doomed to suffer and have been mostly un-successful in turning bad fortune around. Andrea comes to mind as someone who does good deeds for others and yet is continually defeated in life. Does her life lack the plentiful blessings that have been bestowed upon me, or does she simply make bad choices?

Knowing how hard I've worked and the adversity I have overcome, it's impossible for me to believe that my good fortune has simply been handed to me. I started out with a core set of strengths that I built knowledge and experience around. I remained adaptable to change and took risks when opportunities presented themselves. Having made bad choices and mistakes, I then took responsibility for them like a man and tried to learn from them.

While I may not believe in organized religion, I do tend to trust The Universe and the balance it strives for. So when someone tries to convince me that my life is "blessed" I understand what they are trying to say but think of it in terms of balanced. But the part I do believe, the part that has me really thinking now, was the second half of my friend's statement when he said, "You... had better make something of yourself."

When fortune, luck, blessings, balance, karma, or just some damn good shit comes your way, I think it is important to try and make the most of it. I had an incredibly inspiring meeting last night with my new business partners in which we discussed, at length, the notion of doing good for others as merely a way of bring joy to yourself. It was suggested, and I believe correctly so, that our society is beginning a fundamental shift in thinking more about simple pleasures and kindness to others, as opposed to object pleasures and selfishness. And we believe we have a noble product that can foster this movement in a small yet successful way. It is now up to me to believe in this cause, this business, and put my faith in it's success while I cast aside the safety of a steady pay check and try to make a difference in my life and the lives of others.

If I have been blessed with fortune and opportunity, and I live in a Universe of balance, I am almost compelled to take this risk and try to make something that is good. And if God, or The Universe, is out there looking after me, then it all should turn out good in the end, right? So I'm not really taking a risk at all - I'm maintaining balance in my life (just not balance in my check book).

When Dorothy crash-landed in the wonderful world of color she quickly demonstrated some good crisis evaluation and planning: she assessed her surroundings, made friends with the locals, learned about available resources, and put together a plan.
She had a goal: get the fuck home.
She had a destination or means: The Wizard.
And she had a clear path to follow: the yellow brick road.

Why in life are we not given such bright, clear, and well-groomed paths to follow on the way to our destinations? Hell, why do so many of us not even have a destination in life to follow a path towards?

I set out a goal for myself a number of months ago; it was a goal to change my life for the better. Alright, I admit, I make a lot of goals and fully commit to about half of them. But that's the point! Either my goals aren't genuine or I easily get distracted along the very long path to reaching them. This blog is littered with examples of me going merrily along my way, skipping along a path to reach one of my goals when.... *Squirrel!*

For the record, my goal is to create a lifestyle for myself. I'm not chasing bright lights or fame, I'm after a better way to live an above-average life where I'm happy, successful, and comfortable. After eleven years in the corporate rat race I've discovered the very opposite path to reaching that goal; and after traveling the wrong way for a number of years, have finally turned myself around. Owning my own company and being my own boss may very well be the "man behind the curtain" that will get me what I want out of life.

But I'm being distracted. Life is distracting me from my shinny yellow path. The looming foreclosure, a lack of reliable income, feelings of inadequacy and doubt have all become these flying monkeys sent to drag me off of my path and into the brush. I'm expending thought, energy, worry, time and resources on these 'things.'

My house is a thing. My TV is a thing. Money is a thing. I live in a world where things are in abundance. And I'm resourceful enough to acquire things when I need them. But these things come and these things go. They are in abundance if you remain creative. It's an annoying fact of life that you deal with acquiring and loosing things all the time, and then you move on. It's when you become distracted and consumed with the unknown that you run the risk of getting stopped, stuck, turned around, or lost.

While things may be in abundance, what is truly scarce in this world are paths to a destination. Everyone seeks a path, a fresh start, a direction, a purpose, a meaning. And when those lucky few people stumble upon a path for their life, it's the 'things' that get in the way and distract them (the money, the kids, the relationships, the house...) Sure these things seem important at the time. Keeping my home from being sold at auction in 20 days is extremely important right now! But how much control, relative to the amount of distraction I'm allowing it to cause my life, do I honestly have in preventing the loss of this thing - my house? I'm no lawyer, I'm no mortgage lender, I'm no business expert. And yet the threat of foreclosure right now is pulling at me in every direction, as if the straw stuffing is literally being pulled right from my head.

You can afford to loose things but you can't afford to loose the path.

Kenyon believes in me and believes I'm on the right path and has told me to stop worrying about the things in my life. Stuff is going to happen to the things, he says, but I can't allow these things to distract me from my path. He said that there are a few people in the world who have the talent and skills to make stuff happen in life - and happen in a big way. He believes I am one of those people.

Proof positive, once again, that it's Kenyon who is the one on this journey with the big brain.... and the big heart!

There is a theme song for this entire weekend and (surprise) it's from a musical.

Again...Step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch...
Again...Step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch...

Now I don't want to be some tired cliché or obvious theater fag here, but the song is from A Chorus Line and it has been the guiding inspirational medley getting me through until Monday.

Turn, turn, out, in, jump, step,
Step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch...

You see, on Thursday I came across the perfect new job.... Creative Director for Atlantis Events Inc.

Five, six, seven, eight!
Turn, turn, touch, down, back, step
(Beat)

Now I know that for anyone out there reading this blog you might be a little confused. "Sam," one might ask, "I thought you had your own business and were never going to go work for anyone else ever again? Aren't you afraid of The Rat Race?" Very valid arguments. But there is a reality of the situation here and that reality is that I need a steady paycheck to be able to pay the bills while I am building this business. And though I haven't lost faith in myself to be an entrepreneur, the house is still legally F'ed and I need to take care of and be planning for my future. Plus I'm tired to defending my choices to my very rich and successful friends at parties.

I really need this job.
Please, God, I need this job.
I've got to get this job.

Working as Creative Director for Atlantis would be absolutely perfect! It is a small gay company with a unique and desired product that is well known and has a perceived high value and high satisfaction rate. The job would be exactly what I would enjoy doing and would be creatively challenging. Plus, if all goes according to my master dream, I would find myself in a situation where I could do both: have the steady job with the freedom to do my work when I wanted and still have time for my clients. Without being too presumptuous, I believe I could do that job and manage my own projects and deadlines while, hopefully, having the freedom to work both in and out of the office while running my freelance business simultaneously. It would be a lot of work but I'm prepared and confident in my abilities

In the musical, each of the characters has a unique life circumstance that they must face while chasing their dream of becoming a Broadway star. They all have worked hard in the past and are working hard still to make their dreams a reality.

My unique life circumstances have prepared me for this opportunity. I have the creativity, experience, drive, and brains to pull off being a top-knotch Creative Directer, successful communications consultant, and savvy stock market investor. And yet, like the kids auditioning for a spot on the chorus line, my life experiences and personality are going to be judged by someone else to see if I have what it takes to make it at this company.

I am not chasing a dream of fame and lights in the big city - I am chasing a lifestyle, one that I believe I am suited for and will thrive at happily for years to come. I may be on the cusp of making it big here. Now is the time to shine.

God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it!

I have said it before but I need to say it again.... Be fucking careful what you wish for! It was only 51 days ago that I sat up and slapped myself in the face to wake up from my unemployment apathy. I had lost a bit of my spunk and wasn't taking advantage of my new freedom afforded to me by not working corporate.

WOW how things have changed. I've launched my new consulting business and website, and have secured 5 new clients! I am working on some fun projects and have some interesting challenges. I am SO much busier and content than when I asked for something to change.

Q:  Why the hell didn't I do this sooner? I mean, I could have been living like this the entire time? Someone really should have passed that note along to me a while ago.

Stepping out on your own and taking risks is not an easy thing to do. For some dumb reason we are constantly told what we can't do in life: be it from our parents, our society, or ourselves. And when you finally get fed up and start to break convention to go after something new and risky, you find out (hopefully more often than not) that you can do it.

Fuck convention.
Fuck rules.
Fuck safety nets.
Fuck the norm.
Fuck the status quo.

Bitches of the world, I am done telling myself what can't be done and will only look at what I have done and can/will do!

Now however... it's time for me to start charging some cash for all this discovered courage and enthusiasm.

Each of my new clients are paying me. And I've negotiated the prices for all of my services. The problem is that I hear their "business sob stories" of how tight money is and how slow business is and how they need my help. Then like a cheep street-walker on her first night out on Santa Monica Blvd. I quote a price I think they can afford. In doing so I'm selling Sam (and all his greatness and talent) short.

Um, hello..... Mr. Sam.... Of Course money is tight, business is slow, and they need your help 
Otherwise They Wouldn't Be Hiring You!!!!!!!
(I sure may be pretty but, damn I can be stupid)

Alright, to be fair to myself, I'm building a client base and a portfolio here. I can reap reward from these projects in more ways than monetarily. But I'm working hard for little money right now. And that's an uneasy pill to swallow.

Knowing your worth and your value are key in life. So too are believing in your worth and your value.

It's OK to be 'top shelf' if you are worth it. It is also OK to ask for 'top shelf' pricing if you deserve it. And I do.

It's been 10 days and I have finally crawled out of the desert onto the other side. I have finished The Master Cleanse detox diet. I had mentioned that this extreme detox process is fraught with opinion and controversy so best to just experience it for myself. Well I experienced it alright. If you are considering something like this I can honestly tell you this one caution: be prepared to be hungry! I have never thought about food more than during these past 10 days. And like a crazy pregnant woman with odd cravings, I have thought about (and dreamed about) foods that normally I don't desire.

Did I loose weight? Yes.
Did I eliminate toxins? Yes.
Did I do my body good? Yes.
Did I want a burger a fries the whole time? Yes!

I don't know that I can honestly recommend this for everyone and I'm not certain I'll do it again. There is a commitment level to completing it that is challenging. And although I feel fantastic and have learned some things about my body, the payoff may not have been worth all the trouble. Throughout the process I experienced emotional swings where I was empowered to make great improvements one part of the day, and then felt like giving up another part of the day. I also sorta isolated myself from the outside because there was food and alcohol out there that I couldn't enjoy. Friends went to the movies without me, for example.

I have learned that I use food as a source of entertainment. It is something to fill the void. Sitting in my condo all day working (or trying to work) I use to let my stomach be the boss. Also, I am easily distracted, so if I got bored working or needed to take a break I would simply go and grab something to eat. Sometimes I would eat a meal just because it was "about that time."

I also learned that I often will talk myself out of better choices. Before, when I was hungry and looking around the kitchen, part of my brain would be saying, "make a salad - it's healthy," while the other side of my brain would say, "fuck it - you've got a box of mac & cheese sitting right there." Guess which side would win? Completing this process has made me more aware of these habits so I will hopefully make better conscious choices in the future.

After 10 days of eating a bushel of lemons I can say that, yea, I lost some weight. However it's not a substitute for the gym and a good diet.

One of the main reasons I decided to do this was to loose a little bit of weight. Because of my "fuck it" attitude of the past few months, my belly region had expanded and I was not pleased. I am happy to report that my gut has gone down, though it's still not flat and ripped like I dream it should be. The other thing I've learned is that The Master Cleanse is not a substitute for exercise. Rather than being a quick-fix solution, it should be thought of as a jump-start jolt to a better lifestyle. And I'm absolutely committing myself to that mindset.

If you are considering The Master Cleanse I have a couple of helpful suggestions for you.

1. Have a buddy. This is not something to do on your own because misery loves company.
2. Do it for the right reasons. This should be used as a jump-start to better choices and eating more whole foods cooked from home. If you're just going to run back out to Burger King afterwords, or can only cook with Hamburger Helper, then don't bother.

 The biggest takeaway from this experience is a since of accomplishment. I experienced something very difficult to do and saw it through to completion. Come on, I was basically starving myself for the past 10 days on purpose and didn't give up. It's another example for me to recall on when faced with uncertainty or hesitation in life that that will remind me that I am bigger than I sometimes give myself credit for and I WILL do anything I set my mind to.

Now, can somebody now please find me damn muffin!

People said I was crazy to do the 10-day Master Cleanse. Here on day 3, I wonder if they may be right. It has been a rather difficult day mentally for me. My emotions have run the gamut from empowered to depressed. I've spent the day alone wanting to be productive and accomplish some work, but instead I've mostly sat around by myself wanting to munch on something.

I began to question my motives for doing this cleanse when it hit me... this is only day 3! If I can't stick to something for more than 3 days then there is something very wrong here. I am no stranger to change and I'm only changing myself for 10 stupid days. It should be a piece of cake.
(yummmmmmm cake)

It's really more a matter of habits. I am in the habit of eating solid foods. I am in the habit of being comforted by food. I am in the habit using food as a source of entertainment outside of the home. And it's because of these habits that I must complete The Master Cleanse.

These bad habits need to be flushed out of me like the toxins that have accumulated from years of consuming processed food. Hopefully, upon the conclusion of this experience, I will see a new slate upon which to scribe new habits for myself. No sodas, fresh juice, more vegetables, complex carbs. Sounds simple enough to do, but when you are mired in habits that are convenient, you need something significant to initiate even simple changes.

But you can be damn sure that I fully intend on treating myself to a cheeseburger after all this shit! (hopefully I'll choose to use ground turkey for a change)

If anyone is actually out there reading this blog (and I sometimes question that) you'll notice a few themes that have run rampant this past year: money, relationships and weight.

Now anyone who knows me will probably describe me as a skinny bitch who looks 10 years younger than he is. (to which I say, "fabulous!") If there is one thing I have learned in my years as a gay man it's how to bat a smile to divert attention from the things I don't want you to see. Like a magician, I distract you with one hand while covering my belly with the other.

But I am becoming more increasingly aware that I am now, in fact, 34, single, maturing, and not at my optimal/ideal weight and/or self. It is with this in-mind that I have started the 10-day "Master Cleanse" detox (and hopefully diet). It is a somewhat gross sounding regiment where you replace all foods with a lemonade concoction for ten days, and then begin re-introducing food into your system for 3 more days. It is fraught with opinion and controversy on the internet and among friends who all will give you an opinion. Even I once persuaded a friend against doing it. But then, what the hell.

This is day 1 and the reason I am performing this cleanse.  It is also the only time you will see such a horrible photo of me.

I'm using this as a stepping-off point for my healthy life. You see, after I was fired I was very much motivated to get into the best shape of my life by eliminating processed foods, and having a better since of what I put into my body. And for the first two months things went great. But I get distracted easily and became unfocused. The Master Cleanse is my attempt to reinvigorate that drive in my appearance; which should then lead to better choices and increased confidence.

Of course people are persuading me against it. Of course there are experts online who speak and write about the body's fantastic waste management capacity and that a gimmick such as this does no actual good and could even harm you. Of course it's a damn inconvenience to be social while you are doing this; last night there was cake and tonight there will be drinks and snacks.

But I look at this as one of life's experiences. There are a lot of opinion out in the world, some of them sound and some of them shit. But I'm finding most opinions to be gray and generalized. Nobody truly has any answers. To fully understand something you must experience it. And when else in my lifetime will I have the opportunity to experience controversial things like: leaving a job that I dislike, starting a new career from scratch, re-defining my friendships to more healthy ones, and trying to drop 10+ pounds in ten days on a cleansing fast.

If you are actually out there reading this, stay tuned and see what I look like in ten days - and if I can continue making myself a more healthy me afterwords.

There comes a time in every TV sitcom's life where all the writers ditch work and the producer's only option is to do a year-in-review show. Something cheesy, that you only need one editor and some past episodes to compile, and someting that reminds everyone how far the characters have come in a year. So with that in-mind, Ladies and Gentlemen I give you my 1 year blog-in-review entry!!!!!!!!

Yes it has been one year since I started writing "Charging Through Life." Originally, you may recall, the blog had a stupid lame name, "33 going on 40." Boooooo. You also might remember the inspiration for starting this whole thing came from an impending doom on my life. I was contemplating bankruptcy, I had just had "major fight #1" with my then best friend. And I was getting my ass handed to me at Beachbody. It was the most stressed out time in my life - which is saying something - because my financial snapshot was shot. Let's take a look:

• • On Aug. 8, 2009 I was carrying 3-times as much debt as I had cash-on-hand. I was $38,277 in the red and could only see to find $10,404 in assets.
• • One year later my debt is completely eliminated and I have $22,760.45 in liquid assets.

Money was clearly a big challenge in my life a year ago. But fueling that challenge was my job at Beachbody. I was stuck and not growing or being challenged. And I was lost, unsure of what I could do that would make me happy. I knew how to "play the game" and be a good employee, I just didn't know that I wasn't playing it. Overall, I was certain that my life needed to change, I just had no direction on how to do it. Let's see what has changed:

• On Aug. 22 & Oct. 12 I expressed how lost I felt and wondered how anyone ever discovers the correct route to take in life for career/life satisfaction. Then on Nov. 16 I got a wake-up call at work that got me thinking, though probably not in the way my boss thought it would.
• Today I am out of corporate life and have launched my own freelance company with four clients to-date. There is definitely a direction in my life: up. And I recognize more than ever how talented, smart, and creative I am and how to begin translating that into a career.

There were two major events that set into motion most of the improvements I've gained throughout this past year. The first was taking a leap of faith over to The Valley followed a couple months later by bringing myself back to zero. The second major event was realizing that all I had to do was to just lie a little, but understanding that it wasn't going to make me happy.

• On Aug. 24 I met with a bankruptcy attorney and began a process that took me to debt-free on Sept. 26. Then the next year on March 25 I was finally fired from Beachbody.
• Today I remain debt-free (of course I can't qualify for credit yet but I'm working on it). And I have more satisfaction in working for myself than ever in my career before.

Wackiness was never in short-supply around me this past year. I've tried and experimented with many new things like looking for a spiritual path for my life, gazing at the stars for answers, finding a new cheerleader in my life, and seeing if money could possibly grow on trees. What I've learned in all this was to just go for it in life and try what is different, new and scary. You're going to get knocked down a bit, but that's OK.

Folks, we have successfully completed season one! And I think we have all learned a little, laughed a little, and discovered some new things about ourselves. Be sure to join us again next year when we take a look back at some fantastic new adventures that are certain to keep you entertained all this coming year. Until then, I'm Sam Watkins. Good Night.

Once upon a time there was a plucky little gay boy named Sam who was on top of the world. You see, Sam had just been freed from a horrible, wicked existence that he had been trapped in for years. Sam had been in a dead-end job. But, because Sam was a crafty little gay boy, he was able to escape from that reality. And oh how happy, driven, and adventurous Sam felt when he did finally escape! He saw a whole world of possibilities and was going to start exploring them and living them.  It was a grand time and a grand adventure for the plucky little gay boy named Sam.

I vaguely recall that fairy tale. It was sweet. I certainly enjoyed the heroism of the plucky little gay boy.... whatever his name was. He saw opportunity and was going to make his new life Incredible. I wonder how well he did with all that?

Well he started out good, certainly. He was very accomplished those first few months and very busy with his exciting new life. But now......
it's been three months since I stopped hitting bootcamp daily,
it's been three months since I stopped tracking my weight and eating well,
it's been three months since I set and achieved goals and daily tasks to improve my situation.

In these past three months I've gained noticeable weight, started drinking soda again, have become reclusive and shy in my house, and am overall apathetic towards my future or any prospects for work.

Sure it's true that every fairy tail needs a villain, I just didn't realize the villain in this story would be me and my own dwindling drive to accomplish things. I've given up one "horrible, wicked existence" working at Beachbody and simply replaced it with another -- not working.

Most days I'll scroll through other people's Facebook postings to see what fun, amazing things they are dong. For instance, Troy & Craig are off enjoying a private cabana today in Vegas.  Oh, look at all the boys who are cheering for "Sunday Funday" at their favorite gay bar today. And like Rapunzel, I just sit in my room gazing through this "window" of mine waiting for someone to come rescue me.
Well now that's just fucking retarded, Sam.

Nobody is going to come 'save' me and just hand me the keys to a castle and this great fairy tale life I'm dreaming up. If I'm going to have anything happen I've got to MAKE it happen. The plucky little gay boy in the fairy tale knew that. So what happened to him? Where's his plucky little drive gone?

I feel as though I'm cursed with boredom. I must have taken a bite out of a poisoned apple, because I've just been lying around for months not doing anything.

Alright, it's clear that there's no Prince Charming coming on a horse to deliver me a hot kiss or something great to do with my life. I don't know why I was expecting him to show up when I know the only solution is for me to sprinkle some fairy dust on my fat ass and get moving.

I'm going to check back in on the plucky little gay boy in three months time from now. By November 1st I want to have achieved 5 goals for myself. They are:

1. To complete a 90-day fitness routine that consists of bootcamp, P90X, and yoga classes
2. To be eating more clean, nutritious meals made from home
3. To be bringing in supplemental income through freelance work or a new job
4. To maintain a daily routine of house chores, exercise, and office work
5. To have "improved" myself through new reading/learning assignments and new friends

To Be Continued....

Boy, your flame needs a lot of attention to stay lit. Fan your own flame for a while, my arm's getting tired.

Having been friends with Kenyon for 15 years definitely has it's advantages. The boy knows how to put me in my place. Now I've never considered myself to be a "high-maintanance" sorta friend but the noise in my head does spill out from time-to-time and there's one person I know to call to help weed out the crap.

I was invited this coming Saturday to a pool party hosted by Rob and Terrance. Great guys. But the party consists all of that other group of friends I was hanging out with before I got bit and got fired. To me, this group of people represent what I should be. They all have great jobs, their shit is together (mostly) and they are where they should be with their lives at 30-something. They're not like my current friends who all have money troubles, or drinking problems, or self-esteem issues.

I should be aligning myself with this more successful group and allowing them to naturally push and motivate me during these difficult times of mine. Problem is, they're not the one's who are around for me during the tough times. They're not the ones I open up to or the ones I can just be myself around. It's the "troubled" group who are the ones who've been there for me.

I guess what I'm saying here is that I resent this more successful group for not being what I would call "better friends." And I'm carrying that resentment around and it's preventing me from wanting to RSVP to a simple pool party. I think to myself that, they only want to be friendly when times are fun. But what about the rest of the time?

This is something KC just can not figure out about me. To him, we're going to a fun afternoon event with boys and booze. It's something for him to look forward to. He asked me what it would take for me to feel comfortable around these "friends of mine," to which I said, "having them think I'm pretty, funny, and to pay attention to me."

Yep. This is a high-maintanance flame I've got burnin' up in here.

No surprise that I'm over-thinking all this. I'm reading into a situation where there's nothing to read. I'm projecting my insecurities onto what other people are thinking about me. What I've got to remember is: people AREN'T thinking about me - not like I think they are. I'm all consumed with what other people think that I forget about their insecurities that they're carrying around about themselves.

I've got two friends in Rob and Terrance who've lost contact with me for a few months because of.... well life. And they're just throwing a pool party. It's up to me to put down this feeling of resentment that is ill-placed and go have a drink and flirt with some boys. It's up to me to shut my mind off from it's constant state of fret and self-doubt and go have some mindless fun for an afternoon.

Maybe I'm not as put together as other people there. Maybe I've got some challenges in my life right now. Maybe I need to work harder to catch up to where I should be.
And maybe everyone there will marvel at my youthful looks and cute outfit, and then tell me how much they admire how strong and resilient I've been through all that I've had to deal with.
(Burn bright, flame. Burn!)

Finally fate finds a foothold to foil my foundation and I'm freaking out.

Before my bankruptcy, I was trying to hold all of my obligations together and was failing miserably. I wasn't above trying anything to get ahead in my dire situation (notice how not much has changed). I was looking for a new job, looking for a raise, looking for better credit offers, looking for a leprechaun.

Then Congress approved Obama's "Making Home Affordable" program and I jumped at it. The government was going to force banks to re-structure bad loans from fraudulent lenders like mine! Thank you Democrats.

You want to know what I've learned about government mandated programs? They are vague, complicated, and slow to roll out.  I've been trying to get my two mortgages modified for almost a year now. And here's the bad part: during that time I haven't been paying on said mortgage.

I know! I know! Bad homeowner. Bad! But I didn't have enough cash to make the full payment each month and, thanks to the bankruptcy, I got put into a legal loophole sorta scenario where the bank wasn't allowed to call on me to collect and I wasn't obligated to make payments (sorta). Plus I needed the cash! And I figured BofA has plenty of money and plenty of hassles dealing with the government, bad press and people who are in real trouble. (FIY: I'm in real trouble)

Anyway, the loan modification is moving along now, finally; they have all my paperwork, and my application has been moved to the underwriter who should approve my new mortgage in 30-45 days. So all is cool, right?

Well, as with bureaucracies the size of Bank of America, one hand doesn't always know or care what the other hand is doing and because of that my account has been sent to foreclosure.

Oye that's a scary word and a big pill to swallow. Foreclosure. It just sounds mean.

And let me tell you, the paperwork you get that says "Foreclosure" at the top is all sorts of legal jargon that, might be English, but not anything I understand - and I'm smart. I can't imagine trying to interpret this stuff without an education.

Hope, however, is not all lost. I've been in contact with the bank on a daily basis and they assure me that the modification is moving right along, there are no issues with any of it, and the foreclosure thing is sorta standard and it will go away just as soon as the modification is approved. So I trust them? (he asked hesitantly) 
No, not really.

Oh what another fine mess I have gotten myself into! One I certainly never imagined myself being in. I mean, come on, I'm better than this, smarter than this, and far to pretty to half to deal with such things.

So now I must do the only thing I can which is to start managing the situation more closely. I've contacted my lawyer and put him on stand-by. I've been all over BofA making sure the loan modification paperwork is moving forward and setting dates to follow up on their actions. And I'll get into contact with the attorney for BofA who's filing the foreclosure to ask for an extension. Good news there is that they haven't set a sale date and that process usually takes 3 months to set.

Dear Baby Jesus, when will these money troubles of mine end? When will I begin living the fabulous life that I am destine to live? When will you send me a fabulous high-paying job, a winning lotto ticket, a rich husband, or a leprechaun of my very own?

Foreclosure. It's such an ugly word and I'm embarrassed that my life has come to this.
FUCK!
FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!

You know how "ignorance is bliss"? Well I have been a blissful moron for about the past month. Like a kid with ADD who's been off his meds, I found something shiny and it.... HEY, look over there!

As you know, a few weeks ago I shifted my interests back to finances and picked up the book "Rich Dad Poor Dad." It got my imagination racing. Then I went back to Indiana for a week where my Dad put me through Stock Market Bootcamp. Surprise, I'm good at this stuff! (or I'm just being ignorant, I can't really tell yet)

So, being all creative and stuff, I came up with an entirely new direction for my life. I was going to be a Day Trader! It's perfect. Take something that you're good at, and understand, that you can make real money at, and do it for like 4 or 5 hours a day in your home and be finished by 1pm! What's not to love?

I had my course materials set and I outlined a syllabus for myself. I developed a training and practice time-table, and then set milestone goals for future growth. I got this, right! Hell, I even created a business logo for my new venture because, well I'm still a design geek. Simply put, I'm doing my du-diligence - a nice change of pace.

Well yesterday I sat down to begin trading with fake money because this is practice mode and I'm still learning. First off, I see why they don't let women and children do this sort of thing - it's not easy. But practice makes perfect and that's what we're doing right now.

That's when I got a huge slap-in-the-face and realized that you need money to make money. Like a lot of it.

Now I have money from my cashed-in 401(k) that I was going to eventually use to fund this idea of mine (after the training period). And it's no small sum, really. But if you are going to buy 1,000 shares of a $20 stock that's $20,000 you've got on the line.  gulp.  And if you're going to buy just 100 shares, well then you need to wait much longer than a day to turn a short profit.  oops.

Stupid imagination, it's failed me again! I started dreaming these grand dreams of what could be and then had reality set in. Reality is such a bitch.

Alright, fine. So I'm not going to be an overnight success just because I can read a freekin' chart. So I may half to still go out and get a real job. So my fantasy is just that - a fantacy. But that doesn't mean I can't make at least part of it come true. My plans may need to be scaled back but they're not unobtainable once right-sized. I can't still make my money work for me. And isn't that what I'm suppose to be doing?

uggh! I just feel stupid.

I went back to visit the family farm two weeks ago. One of the things I was hesitant to discuss with the parentals was the fact that I got fired from my job. But I controlled the message by sticking to my talking-points and delivering the news with my own spin (good thing I got that PR degree college). Part of the spin I threw on the message was how I wanted to make some extra money in stocks. You see, whenever I'm home, there are a very select number of topics Dad and I can bond over. The stock market is one of those topics. So for five days I went through Stock Market Boot Camp with Dad.

The thing is this... I get it. I can look at a chart and understand the patterns and why a price moves the way it does. I understand some of the study indicators used in technical analysis and why a fundamental annalists of a company is important. The chart and the market doesn't scare me.... when I'm on the farm in Indiana, that is. Now that I'm back here in California on my own I feel completely dumbfounded. I'm all like, "what stocks should I be looking at? What time-frame should I set my chart to? Which indicators should I be including? And when should I make a buy?" Basically, I feel like a Vally Girl exclaiming that, "OMG this is hard!"

OK, first, I need to give myself a little credit for being smart both in IN and CA. Just because Dad's not feeding me the questions and guiding me through the lessons doesn't mean I don't understand. Remember the first thing you wrote on the plane home, Sam, "You are smart and do understand this stuff."

But the reason for this freak out today is because I've gotten it into my head that I can make money trading in the market... like the sort of money that would sustain my lifestyle and not require me to go get some crappy real job. I've gotten it into my head that if I learn a few basics then I can have a career in investing that I dictate, that pays me based on my efforts, and that ends each day by 1PM (PST). Not bad, eh?

But there is a LOT to understand and a LOT of opinion out there on how to invest correctly. I've got half a dozen books that I'm reading simultaneously and an online course that I took which is now asking for money to move onto the next steps in my education. Like any good scam, I'm being asked to pay up-front for someone's "education" before I even know if this crazy notion of mine is going to work.

If I'm going to do this, there is a pressure to do it the right way. And the right way is by studding and practicing first. It's as if I've sent myself back to college to get a whole new degree. Hell, I even have a course outline that I wrote on the plane back from Indiana when I was all jazzed about making this work. But, just like when I actually was in college, my initial enthusiasm is starting to fade with all this f'ing 'classroom work.' "You guys, why is learning so hard!"

Alright, I am going to chalk this up to just a case of information overload. I'm looking down a path of a lot of information that needs to be absorbed when you consider all the different ways you can make money in the market: options, futures, forex (which I don't even know what is). I need to just take a step back and learn the way I know how to learn which is by trial and error. But, unlike learning a casino game in Vegas, the stock market lets you learn with play money before you start risking your own cash savings. So I'm going to stop thinking like this is my business for which I need all the correct answers right now or I will suffer poverty. Instead I'm going to start thinking like this is my entertainment. Stop freaking the fuck out and go, "like, take a chill-pill or something you spaz."

I can tell you that one obstacle to being unemployed, besides having a lot of spare time on your hands, is that you loose track of the days. The difference between a Monday and a Thursday is fairly indistinguishable to me. So the fact that today marks the half-way point of the year almost escaped me.