Charging Through Life

Boy, your flame needs a lot of attention to stay lit. Fan your own flame for a while, my arm's getting tired.

Having been friends with Kenyon for 15 years definitely has it's advantages. The boy knows how to put me in my place. Now I've never considered myself to be a "high-maintanance" sorta friend but the noise in my head does spill out from time-to-time and there's one person I know to call to help weed out the crap.

I was invited this coming Saturday to a pool party hosted by Rob and Terrance. Great guys. But the party consists all of that other group of friends I was hanging out with before I got bit and got fired. To me, this group of people represent what I should be. They all have great jobs, their shit is together (mostly) and they are where they should be with their lives at 30-something. They're not like my current friends who all have money troubles, or drinking problems, or self-esteem issues.

I should be aligning myself with this more successful group and allowing them to naturally push and motivate me during these difficult times of mine. Problem is, they're not the one's who are around for me during the tough times. They're not the ones I open up to or the ones I can just be myself around. It's the "troubled" group who are the ones who've been there for me.

I guess what I'm saying here is that I resent this more successful group for not being what I would call "better friends." And I'm carrying that resentment around and it's preventing me from wanting to RSVP to a simple pool party. I think to myself that, they only want to be friendly when times are fun. But what about the rest of the time?

This is something KC just can not figure out about me. To him, we're going to a fun afternoon event with boys and booze. It's something for him to look forward to. He asked me what it would take for me to feel comfortable around these "friends of mine," to which I said, "having them think I'm pretty, funny, and to pay attention to me."

Yep. This is a high-maintanance flame I've got burnin' up in here.

No surprise that I'm over-thinking all this. I'm reading into a situation where there's nothing to read. I'm projecting my insecurities onto what other people are thinking about me. What I've got to remember is: people AREN'T thinking about me - not like I think they are. I'm all consumed with what other people think that I forget about their insecurities that they're carrying around about themselves.

I've got two friends in Rob and Terrance who've lost contact with me for a few months because of.... well life. And they're just throwing a pool party. It's up to me to put down this feeling of resentment that is ill-placed and go have a drink and flirt with some boys. It's up to me to shut my mind off from it's constant state of fret and self-doubt and go have some mindless fun for an afternoon.

Maybe I'm not as put together as other people there. Maybe I've got some challenges in my life right now. Maybe I need to work harder to catch up to where I should be.
And maybe everyone there will marvel at my youthful looks and cute outfit, and then tell me how much they admire how strong and resilient I've been through all that I've had to deal with.
(Burn bright, flame. Burn!)