Charging Through Life

It is time that this first volume of "Charging Through Life" came to a close and a new chapter begun. Lately I've been reading through old posts on this site and have found them to be negative, full of despair, and rather self-centered. When I started blogging, I was wanting to document my change to the person I knew I could be. But what I ended up with was an online therapy session where I would write out my feelings and problems for nobody in particular. The whole thing lacked a certain constructiveness.

It is my intention that the new volume of "Charging Through Life" will be much more helpful, inspirational, and informative. Taking my experiences, I want to share what works for me in the areas of finance, confidence, health and fitness, work, and happiness. I want people to identify with the entries and participate in the conversation.

This volume will remain online but won't be merged into the new site. While I'm not pleased with every single entry, they still represent a snapshot of a moment and a felling. Hopefully these old entries represent stages of growth and persistent development.

So join me at the NEW, way more impressive, ChargingThroughLife.com and become a fan on Facebook.

Thank you for your continued support, interest, and friendship.

-SAM

When Alice was making her way through Wonderland and came to a fork in the road she asked a cat,

"Will you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the cat.
"I don't much care where –" said Alice
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the cat.

I have spent a year standing at that fork in my life looking down a few different paths, unsure which to take; having just come from a horrible land of corporate life that I don't much wish to return to. One of life's paths takes me in a bit of a U-Turn back to corporate life but promises to be better, different, safe, and an all-together better experience. The other path, which I've tapped my toe on a couple of times, is dark and menacing with absolutely no road signs or promises of a destination.

I've written about this impasse before and the choices I need to be taking seriously in my life right now. The luxury of time is quickly becoming impatient with my inaction and luck will inevitably run out on the things in my life I have placed in limbo during this Time Out of mine.

When I ask my friends, the people I most trust, which path of life to take, they almost all say to me, "Just Get A Damn Job Already!!" And they are right, it's time for me to be earning some real income again. But as I pointed out last night, a "job" isn't the only means to earn income. It's just the easiest.

There was an Ah-Ha moment this week while reading a cool blog, "Smart Passive Income." The realization was that, unlike with most "jobs" if I were to find my own ways to earn income on my own, I'm not limited to just one source. I could have many streams of revenue. And actually, I had better have multiple streams of income because any home-based internet business is going to take time to build and pay low in the beginning. So relying on just one would be setting yourself up for failure.

Once again I'm back to the thought process of building my own businesses and relying on myself instead of taking the advice of my friends to just go get a job already. But being practical, I am thinking about all the what if's. What if I don't make any money? What if I am not creative enough? What if I get bored or distracted? What if I don't earn enough to handle emergencies? What if I fail?

Life isn't in the to-do list or the fear of "what will happen if" or the longing of "I'll be happy as soon as..." It isn't in your dreams or plans or goals. Life is in the spaces between those things.

That was from a book I'm reading, "Zero to Zillionare" and it drives an important point home. Life is happening now whether or no you are participating in it. Life doesn't really happen later - it happens now. So being mired in indecision only cheats you from all that life has to offer.

I'm about to make a decision and I'm going to put everything I have into that decision once it's been made. Is there a chance I'll be wrong? Yea. But in order to be a Man you sometimes need to make the best decision you can at the time - regardless of what others say - and stand up for how you feel.

Unless I specifically want pity or to get out of paying for a drink, I've stopped telling people that I'm "unemployed" because I always receive the same look of worry mixed with sympathy and uneasiness. Plus I'm always afraid that people will think I'm not capable of landing a killer job because clearly I would have done so by now. I must be incompetent, they must think. So I stick with the, "I'm a freelance contractor" or "I'm a web and marketing consultant" because both are vague yet impressive and very few people have follow-up questions.

But the fact remains that I am unemployed; which is not all that bad if you take advantage of it. I realize there have been missed opportunities in my unemployment but, for the most part, I feel it's been time well spent. And as I reflect on exactly one year of unemployment today, I think about the important lessons I've learned.


It may be the number one cause of domestic disputes, but money is not that hard to come by and should NEVER be your motivating factor in any decision. What I've learned in the past year is that if you are struggling to acquire money or manage money, you are giving it too much power. What I've learned, and what I believe, is that The Universe will give you the money you need when you need it.

Now I do need to preference this statement with "only in America." Clearly the villagers in South Africa need money and it ain't commin' to them by the grace of shit. But in our society today, money is available. Even homeless people on the street can get money when they need it - people just hand it to them! If you are creative, if you are willing to work, if you are humble when in need, and if you can stand in your own truth about money and your situation - it will make itself available to you somehow.


This is the hardest lesson I've had to learn. Life is a marathon you race with yourself. I have wasted this past year - well much of my life - comparing myself to other people. I was trying to keep up, trying to show off, trying not to fall behind, trying to be better than someone else with completely different life experiences. You will NEVER win against other people.

You might think this gives you the perfect excuse to slack off and not try. Quite the opposite. You must work harder every day to do better than yesterday. To compete with yourself is far more challenging than to rise above someone else. And what might be the greatest challenge in this lesson is to honestly assesses yourself each and every day to determine if you are improved, or did you slack and fail today. Standing in one's truth, as Suzy Orman would say, is the first and most difficult step.


Sitting in the corporate world, I have watched so many clueless 20-somethings become disgruntled employees or get themselves fired because they thought they were "owed" a raise. I'm not about to bash unions here, but it's a little bit of a 'union mentality' whereby you demand something because you simply are an employee. And I have to be honest here, I had that attitude at Beachbody. I had been at the company for a while and 'expected' to get a different job or be challenged in a new way. I thought I had outgrown my position and expected a new and greater challenge. Even during this time of unemployment, I've expected employers to call me and set up an interview just because I responded to a job posting and I'm (let's face it) incredible.

This is a ruthless world, people, and everyone is out for one single person: themselves. Only your Momma cares more about you than you do and she ain't hiring right now. So you've got to take what you want out of life or make it. If you have a dream of what you want to do or be - it's up to you to make it happen. Be creative, be original, be selfish until your dream becomes reality. And if you want a job or money, or a business deal, or some item - you had better have the balls to drive harder and faster than the next guy and be absolutely ruthless by taking whatever it is from your competition and from the person who's offering it as a prize. Be selfish and opportunistic or go home.


My time spent trying to start a new business over the summer with Richard taught me that there is absolutely nothing that I can't do if given just a little bit of time. I was tasked with assignments to try and keep that business idea afloat, the likes of which I've never even thought about doing before. And I did them.

Much like the lesson about competing only with yourself, remember that the products you produce in life aren't going to be like someone else's. Your report, your design, your hobby, your lame widget isn't going to turn out exactly the same as another persons and that's cool! I didn't write the world's best business proposal - but I wrote one. My first. And now that sits in my toolbox of skills.


Look around my apartment and you will see lists, schedules, goals, and plans everywhere. I have colorful marker boards hanging on my walls that are adorned with affirmations, passions, and plans. In one full year of unemployment, I have yet to finish the 90-day P90X routine even though it's been a major goal of mine to use this time to get into the best shape of my life. People, don't tell yourself what you're going to do - DO what you're going to do!!


Along those same lines, I have learned that procrastination is a plague within our society that can destroy you. Though I may have walls filled with lists, and plans, and goals... I also have an evil and loud voice inside my head that says, "I'll get to that." "I'm not ready for that item." "I don't know where to start."

Everyone has a chance for greatness within their own lives, if they are competing with themselves every day. But far too often, we -- the entire society -- procrastinates and finds excuses not to embark upon our greatness. It is the largest regret I have from this past year of unemployment that I put off doing the things I said I wanted to do and squandered the most precious commodity I had... time.


When I first found myself unemployed I told myself that I was going to make this time "incredible." I made the pledge to take advantage of the gift of time and use it to learn, grow, be un-affraid. And I did that, as evident by the lessons I learned. But what I have also come to realize is that the majority of experiences are to be acquired from real-life interaction. You can not adequately learn or grow from introspective contemplation or self-directed study. To truly grasp an understanding of yourself and grow as an individual, you must surround yourself with others and their experiences. Not an easy thing to do when you are financially strapped and everyone you know is at their 9to5. But, again, it's about being creative and resourceful.


The two questions I have struggled the most to answer are, "What do you want out of life," and "What can you offer the world better than anyone else?" These are the questions of life to answer, according to Chris Guillebeau. And, honestly, I'm still struggling to answer those questions.

Look, there are a million+ people out in the world who will help you succeed in life if you ask for their help. The trick here is knowing what to ask for -- knowing yourself well enough to know what you want, where you want to go, what will make you happy, and what excites you. So if you ever find yourself struggling in a job and not going anywhere, if you ever find yourself in debt so deep you don't know how you will get out, if you ever are behind on your mortgage, or if you are ever just clueless at how your life has turned out the way it has... my advice is to take a year off and spend some time getting to know yourself. It's the first step to a new beginning.

One of the newest phenomenons that has come of our interconnectivity through the internet and online social media is the notion of instant success. Idol superstars are created over an 8-week competition. Dimwitted socialites earn millions just from having a sex tape, a catch phrase, a 'fuck-you' rude attitude, or a drinking problem they don't mind sharing on TV. Start-up companies are worth billions overnight based on a simple idea. With all this instant success seemingly birthed out of nothing, coupled with the trillions of dollars in circulation around the nation, it's easy to get caught up in the belief that consequences don't exist and you can start on-top just by asking.

Last week I stopped off at my credit union to apply for a credit card. It is the next step in rebuilding my credit after bankruptcy. Now I didn't just wonder in on a whim or get offered a free T-Shirt for signing up on the spot. This was part of a carefully cultivated plan based on some research and a plan:

1. I'm using a credit union instead of a bank because credit unions are private and member-driven. 
2. I have a substantial checking and savings account established with around $25,000. 
3. Last year I took out a secured personal loan for 8-months and had perfect re-payment schedule to demonstrate my ability to be responsible with credit. 
4. I walked in knowing my FICO score from all three credit reporting agencies and they were all in the mid-to-upper 600's (about average).
5. Before applying for the loan I asked difficult questions about the credit application process and was upfront about my discharged bankruptcy. 

I was doing everything right and yet they only approved me for a card with a $1,000 limit, pending proof of income (which I can't do right now).

At first I felt insulted - I still do, actually. With proof, in the form of my savings account, of the ability to fully pay off that card 25-times over, the offer feels untrusting. Haven't I gone above and beyond to demonstrate my reformed ways? Haven't I been released from debt rehab a changed man? Isn't my pledge to never over-spend again enough to be accepted back into the establishment and respected? Don't I deserve to to have more credit just because?

Much unlike the instant fame and fortune we see manufactured on TV and the internet, the real-life reality is that starting over takes time and nothing in life is handed to you. Though we are lead to believe that you can become an overnight success and stay there, the truth is that it's failure that can happen in an instant; success and resurrection take time to build. It's a reality of nature: a tree takes years to grow but can be cut down in minutes, a strong body takes time and hard work but can be destroyed with a few bad habits, a civilization takes generations to modernize and prosper but can be wiped out by Mother Nature's furry in about 8-minutes.

There are things you may want to have instantly in your life: health, love, a family, a career, wealth, credit.... And through patience, determination, and gratitude those things can eventually come to you. But they won't show up on the doorstep tomorrow. That's the major shift in thinking our society needs to remember as it processes the lessons of the recent recession. The Universe grows slowly and destroys quickly. So if you find yourself coming out of a low point in life, expect to work slowly to get back to where you once were and be grateful for what you have.

Sometimes I loathe living in West Hollywood. You may think that this is a magical gay land full of rainbows, divas, drag queens, style and fabulousness. And, yes, while it's true in West Hollywood you can see a striper who is also a GQ model dancing on a box at Mickey's on a Wednesday, that level of frivolity comes with a price. And that price is paid in carbs!

I'm actually surprised the city allows things like gluten, bleached flower, and sugar into the city limits. We're talking about the town that doesn't allow smoking, even outside. The fact that I can still freely bring a muffin into the privacy of my own home in this town is a bit shocking.

Our little rundown 24-Hour Fitness got a facelift recently and has just begun to strut her stuff back out into the public eye. Like any good resident of this town, the gym knew when it was time to have a little bit of work done and, honestly who among us hasn't had a little "freshing up" in our day. As the good book says, "He who is without collagen injections can cast the first stone."  So I was excited to gush over my old friend's new appearance, and rushed over on opening day with my buddy Regan. There are two things to remember about going to a West Hollywood gym...

1. Do your hair and look your cutest because, come on, it's not about the sweat it's about the eye candy.
2. Take a friend who can push more than 15lbs on the iso machines. I think people were starring. 

25.5% Body fat, 40.15lbs of Fat and 119.15lbs of Lean Muscle for a total weight of 159.25lbs (up 10.5lbs from 9/18/09)

Alright, granted being under 160lbs should not be thought of as fat by anyone, especially in a country fed by McDonald's.  But this is West Hollywood and I'm a single, unemployed 30-something. This Fag is FAT!

When you get serious about a major change in your life, particularly body shape, it's important to track your results. A scale is great and I went out and purchased one; but a bathroom scale doesn't tell the whole story. Especially for men looking to add muscle, a bathroom scale could be the worse instrument for tracking progress and could end up completely de-motivate you. Accurate body fat measurements are key for tracking success and the best way to measure body fat, that I've found, is through hydrostatic testing.

Body Fat Test is a mobil weight measurement clinic I was first introduced to at Beachbody. Inside this truck there is a tank of water that you sit in and fully submerge yourself while expelling all the air in your lungs. The result is a far more accurate measurement than other methods.

With this accurate knowledge in-hand, I clearly understand that I need to drop a good 10 to 15 pounds of fat. To aid in that quest I purchased Tim Ferriss' "The 4-Hour Body."

Author of the international phenomenon and NY Times Best Seller, "The 4-Hour Workweek," Ferris spent years experimenting on himself and meticulously documenting his results for this new book. In it he claims you can lose 20 pounds in 30 days without exercise on a high-protein, low/no-carb diet. I'm still reading and trying to extract a plan - there's more than 550 pages in this fucker!

By sticking to the plan and successfully combining all the elements of better nutrition, 2 daily workouts, tracking and motivation, I'll be rocking the hot WeHo body by Spring.

At the end of the day, OK yea, I'm doing all this for me. I can't live my best life with 20 extra pounds of fat. But come on, the motivation here really comes from the twink with the 28" waist I passed on the street the other day. I'm gonna cut that bitch.
(do you see now how violent West Hollywood really is?)

When Bruce Wayne was a young boy, his father taught him many important lessons. When a hurt and frighten little boy had fallen down a dark and scary well, his strong hero of a Dad asked the question,

Why do we fall Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up.

 But that lesson comes with a little bit of pain as well as a little bit of embarrassment - probably the most difficult of any wounds to heal.

I've been making some pretty bold statements lately in my little blog. I've had some pretty big dreams and pretty big plans. I've argued with myself over what to do and tried hard to keep going down my own yellow brick road, acknowledging that it's a difficult path that's not easily taken. But these dreams and plans for myself have mostly been just that: dreams. And yesterday I was snapped back into reality when my business partner pulled the plug on his own idea.

There were too many risks involved for him to take and the core idea had been morphed and polluted into something completely different than it started out as. Could it get back on track? Absolutely. Do I still believe in the business? Sure. But without the assumption of risk and a willingness to try, you can never hope to succeed.

I had found myself doing a lot of work and spending a lot of time on business exercises outside of my expertise. Always the over zealous team player, I was happy to be involved in things like writing a formal business plan - I was eager to learn that new skill. But I was the only one spending a lot of time on these exercises. The majority stakeholder didn't want to learn or try. Nor was the lawyer partner, with his 10% stake in the company, available to give input on the project. It is a small example of the overall issue: taking risk.

The risk I took was in the dream itself. I saw a future for myself that was full of success and excitement rightfully earned through creativity and hard work. In business you are taught the art of 'risk management,' or the process of limiting your losses. While my heart was busy dreaming up possibilities for my future, a good risk management practice would have been for me to check in with what my gut was telling me was really going on around me. Nobody was truly prepared to do the hard work necessary to move forward.

In the end I don't see the past few month's effort as a waste or failure, however I do know enough to cut my losses before things get worse. I learned a couple of new skills and had to work out some creative problems. But the biggest accomplishment I achieved was in learning to take risk on bold new ventures but also to manage that risk. Those skills will certainly come in handy on the next project where I will lead with my heart while checking in every once-in-a-while with my gut.

So today I have fallen. I am embarrassed by my big dreams and bold statements. Yet without them I would be left with nothing today. So I must lovingly gather my dreams and statements back up off the ground, regroup, and pick myself back up as I have learned to do so many times before.

We are hours away from 2011 and I am so very excited. My mind can get very compartmentalized and oriented to steps and timeframes. It's a fault I'm working on. Because while I can see the overall picture and the steps necessary for completion, there are times when I get stuck on a step and can not get around it. Starting points are also quite big for me. And 2011, it seems, has been build up as a major starting point in my head. Like a runner positioned in his starting blocks, I am ready to get going on my journey, but must first wait for the gun to go off and the ball to drop.

I see 2011 as my construction year. As we know, 2009 was when much of my life fell apart, and the house was still crumbling a bit into 2010. But the adjusters have come to see me late this past year and I have a fresh new plan to start my life anew. Every action I take in 2011 will be for the purpose of constructing a new existence unrecognizable to the failed one that was based on a blueprint of conventional thinking.

My umbrella goal is to turn myself into a Power Gay; the successful, well-rounded achiever who excels at all his endeavors. But that is an overall life goal that I will forever be striving for. To move me a step closer I must begin by constructing an entirely new existence. And I see it culminating throughout 2011 in 4 key areas:

1. Body
2. Spirit
3. Social
4. Mind

There is a fun, romantic, energetic, and adventurous feeling most people associate with Las Vegas. Sin City has successfully cultivated positive memories for itself as a premiere entertainment destination for millions... even while taking your money from right in front of you.

For the entire past week before Christmas, I've been on vacation in Vegas with KC & Regan. First let me say that I am extremely proud that I've spent probably only about $350 for the entire week and have seen exhibits, shows, night clubs, drank, and gambled. Not sacrificing too much overall, I've had a pretty full Vegas experience for only a little more than I would have spend at home. But, you see, I've been in Vegas many times and know a few tricks. And unlike the vast majority of tourists, I've been looking around this town a bit.

Like many of the headlining shows, Las Vegas Boulevard and it's glitzy tourist draw is simply a magical illusion. While you are staring in awe at the fountains of Bellagio or the big gold tiger outside of MGM, you are distracted from the things Vegas doesn't want you to see as much like the old and class-less Hooters discount hotel or cheep and tired Bill's Gamblin' Saloon. When you think of Vegas you're thinking about the fancy shops and wonderful casinos, but look towards what the magician is trying to hide and you'll see very poor and old souvenir shops, pawn shops, and more cheep strip clubs than anyone can count.

There's an income gap in this country and The Vegas Strip is a condensed, exaggerated example of the issue. On The Strip today you can be in Gucci and Louis Vuitton on one side of the street and 7-11 on the other. While the rich go and buy the most exquisite jewelry and fashion available in the world, the poor are not far away picking up cigarettes and hot dogs. And I'm not even discussing the impoverished and homeless who are begging for money on the elevated crosswalk in-between the two destinations. But the gap between how fast the rich are improving and the poor are declining is perfectly visible and illustrated in Vegas, literally right across the street from one another.

The middle class in this analogy are just a block away at MGM & New York New York casinos chunking their change into slot machines and throwing down bets on red or black on the roulette wheel. Because, you see, just like in the rest of the country, Vegas is good at leering those with a little bit of discretionary income into placing sucker bets. Again, the magician's illusion is to tell you there is a choice in the matter and that you're having fun walking amongst the wealthy and beautiful. But the trick is that the magician is only using you for his needs and the game is rigged. The lazy middle class are not interested in thinking about the strategy of the game they are playing or trying to learn or look around, so they don't educated themselves on the points of the game being played. Instead the middle class are simply stepping up and throwing out all their cash on two choices that, in the end, are exactly the same: either Republican Red or Democratic Blue (I mean black or red).

Both Las Vegas and the US can treat the middle class with such little disregard because the middle class population is so vast and because eventually they will do as they are told and go home, go back to work where, again, they will be too distracted with life to learn the manipulation tactics being used on them every day to take their cash.

And yet the incredibly rich, the incredibly poor, and the blind middle class are all interested in having a good time and being entertained. What I also find fascinating is how entertainment can pop up for anyone and at any price level. If you've got the cash you're off to see "O" or Cher in concert. If you are poor you'll probably stick to the free pirate show at TI or maybe get a lap dance at a strip club. The middle class will want to see the latest shows but will settle for "Mystere" (which they won't understand) or "Chris Angel's Believe" (which sucked -- don't bother with that one).

So am I turning into a socialist? Do I want everyone to be equal? Do I think that everyone deserves the same? No.

My Vegas vacation has taught me that the economy is diverse and yet survives. There's no need to listen to the doombs-day predictions on the news. But the gap between the street is real and it is widening, make no mistake. Oh, and those fancy shops for the rich are mostly being visited by foreign tourists these days because less and less American's can afford them. Yes, thanks to a very week dollar, I have seen a ton of visitors from Asia this week.

As individuals, we need to look around at our surroundings a little more often and not be distracted by the shiny objects the magician wants us to look at. We need to educate ourselves on the things that look complicated instead of simply plunking our fat asses down in front of a slot machine or TV all night long. Instead of taking the sucker bet and playing by the easy-to-understand rules of going to work every day and earning a pathetic wage, why not re-invent the game and play by your own rules? Find a game and a life that you are passionate about and make the most of it.

In Vegas the house always wins. Make damn sure you are 'the house' of life.

What kind of homo are you? Our little 10% community is quite a diverse one. There are twinks, bears, gym rats, Asian queens, drag queens, tired queens, otters, gaymers, Stepford Fags, activists, leather daddies, trannies, bar trash, sugar daddy, daters, haters, and masturbaters. We are a colorful bunch with many distinctions.

Last weekend I went to a holiday party thrown by my friends Josh & Philip. It's an annual gala affair that brings out the crème de la crème of the Hollywood queers. Josh & Philip are major players and their lives reflect that. They have a massive house: there's a room for the baby-grand, a room for just a fireplace, and a room for books. They have awesome careers that they earned by graduating with honors from top institutions. And they are well-rounded with a variety of interests including world travel, rock climbing, and exotic yoga retreats; yet they remain grounded and genuine to all their friends. Josh & Philip, along with a significant number of those in attendance at this holiday party, are what you would call "Power Gays!"

My Power Gay friend showing off a little on holiday in Bali. Seriously, powerful.

A Power Gay is the Maybach of the homo family. They are successful, shiny, and exclusive. But unlike a high-priced car, the Power Gay remains approachable, grounded, interesting, genuine, and well-rounded. Sure you'll see a Power Gay at the occasional circuit event jumping around shirtless with his perfectly chiseled chest; but he never goes overboard or get's trashy. The Power Gay may be interested in having a night of fun with all his friends, but he will also get up the next day for his group exercise class, yoga, run, or art tour.

A leader in the community, Power Gay's perform charity work and are recognized for their good deeds; yet being gay does not define them and they have interests outside of the community. Highly successful and competitive, a Power Gay does spend a considerable amount of time at his office where he is no doubt CEO, EVP, CMO, or some other combination of a 3-letter title. But you will also find that a Power Gay spends an above-average amount of time on adventurous vacations in history-rich cities that don't have English-speaking tour busses.

Not to confuse you though, a Power Gay can also earn the title through ingenious creativity, activism, and community respect - and not posses the corporate gig or vacations. Let me be clear, tons of money and an expensive wardrobe does not a Power Gay make. It's not about wealth or influence. It's about an overall presence, drive, and character. You can't be a Power Gay if you're an asshole or elitist; and you can't be a Power Gay just because your popular and can blow your way into any club you want.

Simply put, Power Gays excel at everything they do. They amplify all the best qualities inherent to every homosexual.

Every gay person is special and every gay person, by nature of our struggles, has a power within ourselves to draw upon during the dark and troublesome times of our lives. That inner-queer light is a given trait we each have earned through our trying experiences. But it's the Power Gay who is able to tap into that core queer being and ignite it until it radiates from himself and shines upon others with a positive influence. He takes all the powers and traits of his inner homo-being and lives a life of uncompromising excellence, setting a standard for himself and for others.

I saw many fine examples of Power Gays this past weekend and I see some great examples all throughout our community. These pillars have inspired me. Their light has hit me in a new way. A year ago I was emotionally a million miles from where I am today with little confidence in my abilities and was rather jealous of the people at this same party. But only a year later so many things have changed; I have shed much of the negative baggage I once carried.

Though it will be a struggle and something I may never obtain, I vow in 2011 to begin my quest towards becoming my own Power Gay in life! Like any noble quest, I may never achieve victory, nor may I realize if and when I do. But it is simply the quest to become a Power Gay that I feel I must now journey in order to achieve my goals and become my best queer-self.

Who among you is Man enough to join me on this noblest of quests?

Funny thing about year-in-reviews and New Years Resolutions, you don't know what to expect in the future - what obstacles and surprises life has waiting for you. About this time last year I took a moment to, not only reflect on the previous year, but also make some plans for 2010. I called it my 10 for X list, a set of healthy choices I wanted to make more often than not for myself. I had no way of predicting, at that time, how things would turn out in 2010. Getting fired, being threatened with foreclosure, launching a consulting business, starting an internet corporation - none of this was on my radar. All I could do during this time last year was to set out some goals and dreams for the months ahead.

There are small pockets of wisdom I have gleamed from my Father and have been able to adapt to actual functional advise over the years. You need to understand that my Dad and I come from completely different worlds. If women are from Mars and men come from Venus, then my Dad hails from Mercury and I hang out in Uranus. Growing up, there wasn't a lot of relevant life lessons the old man could pass down to his closeted gay son that were going to stick. However one bumper-sticker phrase of his has been popping up in my mind lately...

If they meant this to be easy they'd let Women and Children do it.

A strange sentiment for someone to comprehend who was himself a child at the time; and during a time when gender roles were decentegrading faster than the Berlin Wall. But understanding my father's '50s rural Indiana upbringing, I think I understood what he was saying. Nothing worth achieving ever comes easy.

Yesterday was sorta a shit day. I had it fully scheduled and it was suppose to be quite productive all around. But through a series of unrelated circumstances, none of which instigated by me, every meeting got canceled and I was left with a lot of unproductive alone time to think. And what kept popping up in my head was the uncertainty of success in my new business venture. I've put all my eggs in one basket (to steal another phrase from Dad) and I'm taking a huge risk on something that is more likely to fail than not.

The architect of this corporation, Richard, is more of a thinker and a player than a planner and do-er. And I'm finding it difficult to keep him focussed and on track; which is making me wonder if I have a partner who can hold up his end of the bargain and see this company through to profit. It's becoming more and more apparent that I must assume a leadership role and begin making decisions for the group and the company. Question is: will the millionaire who's idea this all was and who's funding the whole damn thing yield to my business decisions? Or is he only interested in acting like a well-funded frat boy on spring break in exotic places like South Beach, The Caribbean, and Brazil?

I kept thinking yesterday, wouldn't it be easier for me to just go get a desk job at Disney? There was that online video job that I could try to go interview for. Shouldn't I try to do things like a normal person? "Normal" people go out and get jobs and get steady paychecks. That would be a far easier route to take.

And that's when I realized what Dad was talking about. Creating this company is not easy and it's not suppose to be. The Universe has engineered this time in my life to be full of difficult tasks. I'm attempting to completely re-define my life and how it will be lived from now on. If it were easy to change your entire life or start a successful and profitable online company, then everyone would be doing it - women and children included.

I think 2011 is going to full of tasks and challenges meant only for Men to attempt. Getting myself into peek physical shape, creating and launching this corporation, seeking out my true passions in life -- these are not simple things to accomplish. Most people will never do any of these things because they are difficult. It is far easier to just sit on the couch and eat chips, get a job and have someone else tell you what to do, and spend your free time getting drunk; and so that's what the majority of people choose to do.

It's a test of a Man's character to rise to the challenge and say, "I'll tackle this - this thing that is difficult." Failure is an understood risk that must be part of the equation. Most people don't want to fail so they don't do things that come with risk. A true Man welcomes the threat of failure and sees it as worthy opponent to spar against in gentlemanly battle. While others watch from the sidelines, a Man sizes his obstacles, chooses his weapons, forges his alliances, and marches forward towards his goal. It is in these times a real Man is defined and becomes separated from the women and children in life.

So. Bring it on, Bitch!

And it starts again. I don't know if anyone actually reads this blog, but even I'm tired of listening to me talk about today's topic: exercise. I get all pumped up and proclaim in a big way that I'm going to transform my body into a hot, sexy, ripped gay machine only to get distracted a few weeks into my new fitness routine. Yet as it was with so many blog entries before this, today I will be making yet another grand statement proclaiming big plans for my improved health and fitness (feel free to use this time to think about your own life and goals because, folks, you've heard all this before from me).

It has been 3 years, 9 months, and 6 days since I was first introduced to P90X when I was hired by Beachbody. And in that entire time I have yet to complete the 90-day program! Oh, sure, I've started it more times than I care to think - I've just never finished it. Something distracts me, I get stressed out, I see something shiny to play with.... who knows what my problem is. It has also been 6 months and 5 days since I hit a gym of any kind including Barry's Bootcamp. Obviously, lately I have not had the proper focus for.... hey look at this cool, pretty thing!

So after putting on some extra weight and having KC point out that my gut is starting to look like my Dad's, I've realized that it's time to get back to work! I started out on Saturday with the P90X "Cardio X." Not a particularly difficult program; it has a little bit of everything from yoga, kempo, and core. Easy peasey. But sunday morning I was woken up by my sore muscles -- like the kind of pain I would expect after an intense bootcamp workout, not a few minutes of fucking Cardio!

But sticking to it, I popped in P90X "Kenpo" on Sunday. I've never done this disc; I've never stuck with the program long enough to make it to this one. Kenpo is all martial arts punch and kick training. No weights, no resistance, just punching air. I quickly found out that I don't know how to throw a punch - I punch like a girl! But I stuck with it and didn't give up.

This morning, more sore muscles. Seriously, what is this? The fucking air kicked my ass! What?

I popped in P90X "Shoulders & Back" and grabbed my 20lbs weights which use to be no problem to wield through the full workout. Half-way through I had to drop down to 10lbs.  I am SUCH a little girl!

What is the lesson in all this? Exercise is like breathing: you really can't stop for too long or else you're going to find yourself in trouble. So I am gong to take a deep breath and push through the pain this week and ramp up to a very serious workout schedule. My plan is to get myself up to 2-hours a day and keep that up (as much as possible) until my birthday at the end of May. For my 35th birthday I want to do a sexy photo shoot with celebrity photographer Adam Bouska. And one of the photos will be me wearing boxing gloves or something hot and manly (provided I learn how to throw a punch by then).

Until that time, I am going to stay resilient, do the work, stay motivated and know that tomorrow I'm going to be in so much pain.

What would you do if you won the lottery tomorrow? Everyone has that dream of what they would do, how they would change their life if, magically, one day they had more money than they ever thought possible. And you hear the stories all the time: some poor factory worker or office pool in Pahrump, Nevada holds the single winning lottery ticket worth millions and their lives are now forever changed.

My jackpot fantasy includes much of the normal stuff as everyone else. I would quit my job, buy some new clothes, maybe buy a condo, get a trainer, invest my money - very important for long term sustainability, and maybe start a business of some kind.

Then the other day it hit me.... I'm living that life! (minus the Brink's Truck full of cash, of course).

While my real-life isn't turning out as grand as I had fantasized, the fact remains that I did quit my job this year (by getting fired), I own my condo (sorta/barely), I bought new clothes (from H&M), I have a trainer (who I haven't seen since April), I know how to invest money (just need to do it), and I have my own business and am on the verge of starting a company (both of which aren't making money yet).

Clearly I am on my way to a blissful life!  ....OK, so the reality still needs a little bit of work to look like the fantacy. But isn't it cool that I'm living out this fantasy life others are still only dreaming?

And then it hit me... so what happens now? What comes next in this fantasy life? Once you have the superficial material crap, what should you want next?

I began reading Chris Guillebeau's book, The Art of Non-Conformity from his manifesto, "A Brief Guide to World Domination." In each he suggests that the two most important question in the universe are:  1) "What do you really want to get out of life?" 2) "What can you offer the world that no one else can?" Those two questions have me very much stumped right now. I don't know the answer to either one! What I want out of life seems to change, like daily (just read this blog and you'll see). And once I'm confident of what I can bring the the world's table, something comes along that makes me question my abilities.

It comes down to a matter of passion. If you have passion in your life, those two universal questions become easy to answer. Without a passion in your life, you're doomed to just blow all your lottery winnings on fake tacky gold chotchkies and live a miserable life hoping for more money to solve your growing problems. It happens all the time to the factory worker in Pahrump who wins the lottery, as well as the corporate executive in Bentonville who works 80-hour weeks behind a desk. I don't want to live like that! I want to live for something more!

So as we are nearing the end of 2010 and I am contemplating my future path and goals for 2011 and beyond, I find myself contemplating the need for passion and am trying to figure out what I am passionate about. Any ideas?

To hang out inside my brain is to hang out in a very noisy place full of contradiction. When I'm seriously thinking about my life, which is often these days, it's a full-blown argument up there. Seriously, I would not be shocked one bit if I were to one day be diagnosed as schizophrenic because I can hold entire conversations with myself, in my head, and have completely opposing viewpoints... from myself.

This weekend I was going over in my head the recent decision to cast safety aside and throw all my effort into a new online business venture with my business partner, Richard. We are starting an online membership site to teach people the art of glamour photography as a hobby and as a noble way to meet people. And yet, as it is with my life these days, as soon as one good opportunity presents itself, another good offer comes right around the corner. I am scheduled for an interview with Technicolor tomorrow for a customer service director position where I would re-locate to Virginia for 6 months before settling permanently in LA. And, no, doing both is not an option - I have to choose between them.

"What an awful predicament to find yourself in," you might be thinking, dear reader. Here I am with no job currently, and yet have two great options to choose from. "Oh the perils of being Sam at this moment in time."

But actually, having options is stressful. My choices will take me in two completely opposite directions. There is A) the safe corporate route which ensures me a steady paycheck that is more than I have ever made in any one place in my life, but will be boring and creatively stifling --- or option B) starts an entirely un-charted venture where unprecedented success or failure is mine to achieve all on my own and nothing is guaranteed  - and the odds are stacked against me.

So as I am pondering the merits of both options in my mind, the argument is posed seemingly from nowhere, "why do you always go for the more difficult route in life, asshole?" (Understand that I have no idea where that argument came from which is why it's entirely possible that I'm clinically crazy - and, yes, my brain calls me names sometimes so there's that I need to figure out with my shrink).

But crazy or not, the depths of my consciousness had a point: why not just go for the safe, easy choice? Do I always need to make my life more difficult?

There is an excellent chance I am being naive here, but there's one thing I know to be certain: nobody ever made it big by playing things safe. Problem with that line of reasoning is that we only hear about the major success stories in life and not the major failures. So, again the question is posed, do I go big or go safe?

I suppose I should count my blessings and recognize that, though I may fail, I owe it to myself and The Universe to at least try this more dangerous venture. Complacency can be an awful and infectious condition that grows throughout a society. Effort and hard work are not always rewarded, but satisfaction can only be gained from the effort. Or as my Dad would more simply put it, "If it were easy they would let women and children do it."

So I guess what I'm saying here is that I'm going to go for that which is difficult and try something big, something hard, something dangerous. I am going to test my wits and creativity and see if I can make something out of nothing. And in 6 to 8 months time I will look back at this blog entry and figure out if I chose correctly or if I should have listened to the argument raging inside my head - even if it does make me out to be a wack-a-doo.

One thing I am not is religious. I find the whole notion of organized religion to be phony and, for the most part, devoid of merit. Some people of faith lead virtuous lives and don't harm or judge others, but they tend to be a rare few compared with the hoards of crazy nut-balls who condem everything they don't understand.

I went to church as a kid and observed a very cliquish environment where you sit and basically watch an interactive stage show with singers, musicians, and a motivational speaker. And half-way through the show they pass around a dish for your cash. Wars have been fought over this silly performance and the belief system it instills. And what's stranger yet, most groups who go to war over religion have  basically the same core belief system, just different celebrities and wardrobe.

So when someone begins rambling on about religion or using religious terms, I tend to tune them out - politely as not to offend, of course. But the other day someone said something that made me take notice.

Your life has been blessed, Sam. You should realize that and had better make something of yourself.

The conversation went on and he backed up what he was trying to say. And it got me thinking:  Was I living a blessed life? Have I been given certain advantages and opportunities others have been denied? Is there a celestial being who favors my outcome in life and has put me on some cosmic VIP list? I mean look, here I am currently not working a regular job and yet I have managed to fend off foreclosure of my expensive and attractive condo (for now). I have fantastic friends and a deep connection with KC who is an incredibly amazing human being to travel through life with. And though I have been dealt my share of challenges and difficulties, they never end up as bad for me as they do for others. Plus I'm potentially on the verge of creating a new professional career for myself that will be wildly successful, all because I happily stumbled upon this crazy millionaire with a philosophy and an idea.

I must consider the possibility that I am blessed when compared with friends who, despite all their efforts and good intentions, never seem to get a break. It's as if they are doomed to suffer and have been mostly un-successful in turning bad fortune around. Andrea comes to mind as someone who does good deeds for others and yet is continually defeated in life. Does her life lack the plentiful blessings that have been bestowed upon me, or does she simply make bad choices?

Knowing how hard I've worked and the adversity I have overcome, it's impossible for me to believe that my good fortune has simply been handed to me. I started out with a core set of strengths that I built knowledge and experience around. I remained adaptable to change and took risks when opportunities presented themselves. Having made bad choices and mistakes, I then took responsibility for them like a man and tried to learn from them.

While I may not believe in organized religion, I do tend to trust The Universe and the balance it strives for. So when someone tries to convince me that my life is "blessed" I understand what they are trying to say but think of it in terms of balanced. But the part I do believe, the part that has me really thinking now, was the second half of my friend's statement when he said, "You... had better make something of yourself."

When fortune, luck, blessings, balance, karma, or just some damn good shit comes your way, I think it is important to try and make the most of it. I had an incredibly inspiring meeting last night with my new business partners in which we discussed, at length, the notion of doing good for others as merely a way of bring joy to yourself. It was suggested, and I believe correctly so, that our society is beginning a fundamental shift in thinking more about simple pleasures and kindness to others, as opposed to object pleasures and selfishness. And we believe we have a noble product that can foster this movement in a small yet successful way. It is now up to me to believe in this cause, this business, and put my faith in it's success while I cast aside the safety of a steady pay check and try to make a difference in my life and the lives of others.

If I have been blessed with fortune and opportunity, and I live in a Universe of balance, I am almost compelled to take this risk and try to make something that is good. And if God, or The Universe, is out there looking after me, then it all should turn out good in the end, right? So I'm not really taking a risk at all - I'm maintaining balance in my life (just not balance in my check book).

When Dorothy crash-landed in the wonderful world of color she quickly demonstrated some good crisis evaluation and planning: she assessed her surroundings, made friends with the locals, learned about available resources, and put together a plan.
She had a goal: get the fuck home.
She had a destination or means: The Wizard.
And she had a clear path to follow: the yellow brick road.

Why in life are we not given such bright, clear, and well-groomed paths to follow on the way to our destinations? Hell, why do so many of us not even have a destination in life to follow a path towards?

I set out a goal for myself a number of months ago; it was a goal to change my life for the better. Alright, I admit, I make a lot of goals and fully commit to about half of them. But that's the point! Either my goals aren't genuine or I easily get distracted along the very long path to reaching them. This blog is littered with examples of me going merrily along my way, skipping along a path to reach one of my goals when.... *Squirrel!*

For the record, my goal is to create a lifestyle for myself. I'm not chasing bright lights or fame, I'm after a better way to live an above-average life where I'm happy, successful, and comfortable. After eleven years in the corporate rat race I've discovered the very opposite path to reaching that goal; and after traveling the wrong way for a number of years, have finally turned myself around. Owning my own company and being my own boss may very well be the "man behind the curtain" that will get me what I want out of life.

But I'm being distracted. Life is distracting me from my shinny yellow path. The looming foreclosure, a lack of reliable income, feelings of inadequacy and doubt have all become these flying monkeys sent to drag me off of my path and into the brush. I'm expending thought, energy, worry, time and resources on these 'things.'

My house is a thing. My TV is a thing. Money is a thing. I live in a world where things are in abundance. And I'm resourceful enough to acquire things when I need them. But these things come and these things go. They are in abundance if you remain creative. It's an annoying fact of life that you deal with acquiring and loosing things all the time, and then you move on. It's when you become distracted and consumed with the unknown that you run the risk of getting stopped, stuck, turned around, or lost.

While things may be in abundance, what is truly scarce in this world are paths to a destination. Everyone seeks a path, a fresh start, a direction, a purpose, a meaning. And when those lucky few people stumble upon a path for their life, it's the 'things' that get in the way and distract them (the money, the kids, the relationships, the house...) Sure these things seem important at the time. Keeping my home from being sold at auction in 20 days is extremely important right now! But how much control, relative to the amount of distraction I'm allowing it to cause my life, do I honestly have in preventing the loss of this thing - my house? I'm no lawyer, I'm no mortgage lender, I'm no business expert. And yet the threat of foreclosure right now is pulling at me in every direction, as if the straw stuffing is literally being pulled right from my head.

You can afford to loose things but you can't afford to loose the path.

Kenyon believes in me and believes I'm on the right path and has told me to stop worrying about the things in my life. Stuff is going to happen to the things, he says, but I can't allow these things to distract me from my path. He said that there are a few people in the world who have the talent and skills to make stuff happen in life - and happen in a big way. He believes I am one of those people.

Proof positive, once again, that it's Kenyon who is the one on this journey with the big brain.... and the big heart!

There is a theme song for this entire weekend and (surprise) it's from a musical.

Again...Step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch...
Again...Step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch...

Now I don't want to be some tired cliché or obvious theater fag here, but the song is from A Chorus Line and it has been the guiding inspirational medley getting me through until Monday.

Turn, turn, out, in, jump, step,
Step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch...

You see, on Thursday I came across the perfect new job.... Creative Director for Atlantis Events Inc.

Five, six, seven, eight!
Turn, turn, touch, down, back, step
(Beat)

Now I know that for anyone out there reading this blog you might be a little confused. "Sam," one might ask, "I thought you had your own business and were never going to go work for anyone else ever again? Aren't you afraid of The Rat Race?" Very valid arguments. But there is a reality of the situation here and that reality is that I need a steady paycheck to be able to pay the bills while I am building this business. And though I haven't lost faith in myself to be an entrepreneur, the house is still legally F'ed and I need to take care of and be planning for my future. Plus I'm tired to defending my choices to my very rich and successful friends at parties.

I really need this job.
Please, God, I need this job.
I've got to get this job.

Working as Creative Director for Atlantis would be absolutely perfect! It is a small gay company with a unique and desired product that is well known and has a perceived high value and high satisfaction rate. The job would be exactly what I would enjoy doing and would be creatively challenging. Plus, if all goes according to my master dream, I would find myself in a situation where I could do both: have the steady job with the freedom to do my work when I wanted and still have time for my clients. Without being too presumptuous, I believe I could do that job and manage my own projects and deadlines while, hopefully, having the freedom to work both in and out of the office while running my freelance business simultaneously. It would be a lot of work but I'm prepared and confident in my abilities

In the musical, each of the characters has a unique life circumstance that they must face while chasing their dream of becoming a Broadway star. They all have worked hard in the past and are working hard still to make their dreams a reality.

My unique life circumstances have prepared me for this opportunity. I have the creativity, experience, drive, and brains to pull off being a top-knotch Creative Directer, successful communications consultant, and savvy stock market investor. And yet, like the kids auditioning for a spot on the chorus line, my life experiences and personality are going to be judged by someone else to see if I have what it takes to make it at this company.

I am not chasing a dream of fame and lights in the big city - I am chasing a lifestyle, one that I believe I am suited for and will thrive at happily for years to come. I may be on the cusp of making it big here. Now is the time to shine.

God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it!

I have said it before but I need to say it again.... Be fucking careful what you wish for! It was only 51 days ago that I sat up and slapped myself in the face to wake up from my unemployment apathy. I had lost a bit of my spunk and wasn't taking advantage of my new freedom afforded to me by not working corporate.

WOW how things have changed. I've launched my new consulting business and website, and have secured 5 new clients! I am working on some fun projects and have some interesting challenges. I am SO much busier and content than when I asked for something to change.

Q:  Why the hell didn't I do this sooner? I mean, I could have been living like this the entire time? Someone really should have passed that note along to me a while ago.

Stepping out on your own and taking risks is not an easy thing to do. For some dumb reason we are constantly told what we can't do in life: be it from our parents, our society, or ourselves. And when you finally get fed up and start to break convention to go after something new and risky, you find out (hopefully more often than not) that you can do it.

Fuck convention.
Fuck rules.
Fuck safety nets.
Fuck the norm.
Fuck the status quo.

Bitches of the world, I am done telling myself what can't be done and will only look at what I have done and can/will do!

Now however... it's time for me to start charging some cash for all this discovered courage and enthusiasm.

Each of my new clients are paying me. And I've negotiated the prices for all of my services. The problem is that I hear their "business sob stories" of how tight money is and how slow business is and how they need my help. Then like a cheep street-walker on her first night out on Santa Monica Blvd. I quote a price I think they can afford. In doing so I'm selling Sam (and all his greatness and talent) short.

Um, hello..... Mr. Sam.... Of Course money is tight, business is slow, and they need your help 
Otherwise They Wouldn't Be Hiring You!!!!!!!
(I sure may be pretty but, damn I can be stupid)

Alright, to be fair to myself, I'm building a client base and a portfolio here. I can reap reward from these projects in more ways than monetarily. But I'm working hard for little money right now. And that's an uneasy pill to swallow.

Knowing your worth and your value are key in life. So too are believing in your worth and your value.

It's OK to be 'top shelf' if you are worth it. It is also OK to ask for 'top shelf' pricing if you deserve it. And I do.