Charging Through Life

Unless I specifically want pity or to get out of paying for a drink, I've stopped telling people that I'm "unemployed" because I always receive the same look of worry mixed with sympathy and uneasiness. Plus I'm always afraid that people will think I'm not capable of landing a killer job because clearly I would have done so by now. I must be incompetent, they must think. So I stick with the, "I'm a freelance contractor" or "I'm a web and marketing consultant" because both are vague yet impressive and very few people have follow-up questions.

But the fact remains that I am unemployed; which is not all that bad if you take advantage of it. I realize there have been missed opportunities in my unemployment but, for the most part, I feel it's been time well spent. And as I reflect on exactly one year of unemployment today, I think about the important lessons I've learned.


It may be the number one cause of domestic disputes, but money is not that hard to come by and should NEVER be your motivating factor in any decision. What I've learned in the past year is that if you are struggling to acquire money or manage money, you are giving it too much power. What I've learned, and what I believe, is that The Universe will give you the money you need when you need it.

Now I do need to preference this statement with "only in America." Clearly the villagers in South Africa need money and it ain't commin' to them by the grace of shit. But in our society today, money is available. Even homeless people on the street can get money when they need it - people just hand it to them! If you are creative, if you are willing to work, if you are humble when in need, and if you can stand in your own truth about money and your situation - it will make itself available to you somehow.


This is the hardest lesson I've had to learn. Life is a marathon you race with yourself. I have wasted this past year - well much of my life - comparing myself to other people. I was trying to keep up, trying to show off, trying not to fall behind, trying to be better than someone else with completely different life experiences. You will NEVER win against other people.

You might think this gives you the perfect excuse to slack off and not try. Quite the opposite. You must work harder every day to do better than yesterday. To compete with yourself is far more challenging than to rise above someone else. And what might be the greatest challenge in this lesson is to honestly assesses yourself each and every day to determine if you are improved, or did you slack and fail today. Standing in one's truth, as Suzy Orman would say, is the first and most difficult step.


Sitting in the corporate world, I have watched so many clueless 20-somethings become disgruntled employees or get themselves fired because they thought they were "owed" a raise. I'm not about to bash unions here, but it's a little bit of a 'union mentality' whereby you demand something because you simply are an employee. And I have to be honest here, I had that attitude at Beachbody. I had been at the company for a while and 'expected' to get a different job or be challenged in a new way. I thought I had outgrown my position and expected a new and greater challenge. Even during this time of unemployment, I've expected employers to call me and set up an interview just because I responded to a job posting and I'm (let's face it) incredible.

This is a ruthless world, people, and everyone is out for one single person: themselves. Only your Momma cares more about you than you do and she ain't hiring right now. So you've got to take what you want out of life or make it. If you have a dream of what you want to do or be - it's up to you to make it happen. Be creative, be original, be selfish until your dream becomes reality. And if you want a job or money, or a business deal, or some item - you had better have the balls to drive harder and faster than the next guy and be absolutely ruthless by taking whatever it is from your competition and from the person who's offering it as a prize. Be selfish and opportunistic or go home.


My time spent trying to start a new business over the summer with Richard taught me that there is absolutely nothing that I can't do if given just a little bit of time. I was tasked with assignments to try and keep that business idea afloat, the likes of which I've never even thought about doing before. And I did them.

Much like the lesson about competing only with yourself, remember that the products you produce in life aren't going to be like someone else's. Your report, your design, your hobby, your lame widget isn't going to turn out exactly the same as another persons and that's cool! I didn't write the world's best business proposal - but I wrote one. My first. And now that sits in my toolbox of skills.


Look around my apartment and you will see lists, schedules, goals, and plans everywhere. I have colorful marker boards hanging on my walls that are adorned with affirmations, passions, and plans. In one full year of unemployment, I have yet to finish the 90-day P90X routine even though it's been a major goal of mine to use this time to get into the best shape of my life. People, don't tell yourself what you're going to do - DO what you're going to do!!


Along those same lines, I have learned that procrastination is a plague within our society that can destroy you. Though I may have walls filled with lists, and plans, and goals... I also have an evil and loud voice inside my head that says, "I'll get to that." "I'm not ready for that item." "I don't know where to start."

Everyone has a chance for greatness within their own lives, if they are competing with themselves every day. But far too often, we -- the entire society -- procrastinates and finds excuses not to embark upon our greatness. It is the largest regret I have from this past year of unemployment that I put off doing the things I said I wanted to do and squandered the most precious commodity I had... time.


When I first found myself unemployed I told myself that I was going to make this time "incredible." I made the pledge to take advantage of the gift of time and use it to learn, grow, be un-affraid. And I did that, as evident by the lessons I learned. But what I have also come to realize is that the majority of experiences are to be acquired from real-life interaction. You can not adequately learn or grow from introspective contemplation or self-directed study. To truly grasp an understanding of yourself and grow as an individual, you must surround yourself with others and their experiences. Not an easy thing to do when you are financially strapped and everyone you know is at their 9to5. But, again, it's about being creative and resourceful.


The two questions I have struggled the most to answer are, "What do you want out of life," and "What can you offer the world better than anyone else?" These are the questions of life to answer, according to Chris Guillebeau. And, honestly, I'm still struggling to answer those questions.

Look, there are a million+ people out in the world who will help you succeed in life if you ask for their help. The trick here is knowing what to ask for -- knowing yourself well enough to know what you want, where you want to go, what will make you happy, and what excites you. So if you ever find yourself struggling in a job and not going anywhere, if you ever find yourself in debt so deep you don't know how you will get out, if you ever are behind on your mortgage, or if you are ever just clueless at how your life has turned out the way it has... my advice is to take a year off and spend some time getting to know yourself. It's the first step to a new beginning.

One of the newest phenomenons that has come of our interconnectivity through the internet and online social media is the notion of instant success. Idol superstars are created over an 8-week competition. Dimwitted socialites earn millions just from having a sex tape, a catch phrase, a 'fuck-you' rude attitude, or a drinking problem they don't mind sharing on TV. Start-up companies are worth billions overnight based on a simple idea. With all this instant success seemingly birthed out of nothing, coupled with the trillions of dollars in circulation around the nation, it's easy to get caught up in the belief that consequences don't exist and you can start on-top just by asking.

Last week I stopped off at my credit union to apply for a credit card. It is the next step in rebuilding my credit after bankruptcy. Now I didn't just wonder in on a whim or get offered a free T-Shirt for signing up on the spot. This was part of a carefully cultivated plan based on some research and a plan:

1. I'm using a credit union instead of a bank because credit unions are private and member-driven. 
2. I have a substantial checking and savings account established with around $25,000. 
3. Last year I took out a secured personal loan for 8-months and had perfect re-payment schedule to demonstrate my ability to be responsible with credit. 
4. I walked in knowing my FICO score from all three credit reporting agencies and they were all in the mid-to-upper 600's (about average).
5. Before applying for the loan I asked difficult questions about the credit application process and was upfront about my discharged bankruptcy. 

I was doing everything right and yet they only approved me for a card with a $1,000 limit, pending proof of income (which I can't do right now).

At first I felt insulted - I still do, actually. With proof, in the form of my savings account, of the ability to fully pay off that card 25-times over, the offer feels untrusting. Haven't I gone above and beyond to demonstrate my reformed ways? Haven't I been released from debt rehab a changed man? Isn't my pledge to never over-spend again enough to be accepted back into the establishment and respected? Don't I deserve to to have more credit just because?

Much unlike the instant fame and fortune we see manufactured on TV and the internet, the real-life reality is that starting over takes time and nothing in life is handed to you. Though we are lead to believe that you can become an overnight success and stay there, the truth is that it's failure that can happen in an instant; success and resurrection take time to build. It's a reality of nature: a tree takes years to grow but can be cut down in minutes, a strong body takes time and hard work but can be destroyed with a few bad habits, a civilization takes generations to modernize and prosper but can be wiped out by Mother Nature's furry in about 8-minutes.

There are things you may want to have instantly in your life: health, love, a family, a career, wealth, credit.... And through patience, determination, and gratitude those things can eventually come to you. But they won't show up on the doorstep tomorrow. That's the major shift in thinking our society needs to remember as it processes the lessons of the recent recession. The Universe grows slowly and destroys quickly. So if you find yourself coming out of a low point in life, expect to work slowly to get back to where you once were and be grateful for what you have.

Sometimes I loathe living in West Hollywood. You may think that this is a magical gay land full of rainbows, divas, drag queens, style and fabulousness. And, yes, while it's true in West Hollywood you can see a striper who is also a GQ model dancing on a box at Mickey's on a Wednesday, that level of frivolity comes with a price. And that price is paid in carbs!

I'm actually surprised the city allows things like gluten, bleached flower, and sugar into the city limits. We're talking about the town that doesn't allow smoking, even outside. The fact that I can still freely bring a muffin into the privacy of my own home in this town is a bit shocking.

Our little rundown 24-Hour Fitness got a facelift recently and has just begun to strut her stuff back out into the public eye. Like any good resident of this town, the gym knew when it was time to have a little bit of work done and, honestly who among us hasn't had a little "freshing up" in our day. As the good book says, "He who is without collagen injections can cast the first stone."  So I was excited to gush over my old friend's new appearance, and rushed over on opening day with my buddy Regan. There are two things to remember about going to a West Hollywood gym...

1. Do your hair and look your cutest because, come on, it's not about the sweat it's about the eye candy.
2. Take a friend who can push more than 15lbs on the iso machines. I think people were starring. 

25.5% Body fat, 40.15lbs of Fat and 119.15lbs of Lean Muscle for a total weight of 159.25lbs (up 10.5lbs from 9/18/09)

Alright, granted being under 160lbs should not be thought of as fat by anyone, especially in a country fed by McDonald's.  But this is West Hollywood and I'm a single, unemployed 30-something. This Fag is FAT!

When you get serious about a major change in your life, particularly body shape, it's important to track your results. A scale is great and I went out and purchased one; but a bathroom scale doesn't tell the whole story. Especially for men looking to add muscle, a bathroom scale could be the worse instrument for tracking progress and could end up completely de-motivate you. Accurate body fat measurements are key for tracking success and the best way to measure body fat, that I've found, is through hydrostatic testing.

Body Fat Test is a mobil weight measurement clinic I was first introduced to at Beachbody. Inside this truck there is a tank of water that you sit in and fully submerge yourself while expelling all the air in your lungs. The result is a far more accurate measurement than other methods.

With this accurate knowledge in-hand, I clearly understand that I need to drop a good 10 to 15 pounds of fat. To aid in that quest I purchased Tim Ferriss' "The 4-Hour Body."

Author of the international phenomenon and NY Times Best Seller, "The 4-Hour Workweek," Ferris spent years experimenting on himself and meticulously documenting his results for this new book. In it he claims you can lose 20 pounds in 30 days without exercise on a high-protein, low/no-carb diet. I'm still reading and trying to extract a plan - there's more than 550 pages in this fucker!

By sticking to the plan and successfully combining all the elements of better nutrition, 2 daily workouts, tracking and motivation, I'll be rocking the hot WeHo body by Spring.

At the end of the day, OK yea, I'm doing all this for me. I can't live my best life with 20 extra pounds of fat. But come on, the motivation here really comes from the twink with the 28" waist I passed on the street the other day. I'm gonna cut that bitch.
(do you see now how violent West Hollywood really is?)

When Bruce Wayne was a young boy, his father taught him many important lessons. When a hurt and frighten little boy had fallen down a dark and scary well, his strong hero of a Dad asked the question,

Why do we fall Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up.

 But that lesson comes with a little bit of pain as well as a little bit of embarrassment - probably the most difficult of any wounds to heal.

I've been making some pretty bold statements lately in my little blog. I've had some pretty big dreams and pretty big plans. I've argued with myself over what to do and tried hard to keep going down my own yellow brick road, acknowledging that it's a difficult path that's not easily taken. But these dreams and plans for myself have mostly been just that: dreams. And yesterday I was snapped back into reality when my business partner pulled the plug on his own idea.

There were too many risks involved for him to take and the core idea had been morphed and polluted into something completely different than it started out as. Could it get back on track? Absolutely. Do I still believe in the business? Sure. But without the assumption of risk and a willingness to try, you can never hope to succeed.

I had found myself doing a lot of work and spending a lot of time on business exercises outside of my expertise. Always the over zealous team player, I was happy to be involved in things like writing a formal business plan - I was eager to learn that new skill. But I was the only one spending a lot of time on these exercises. The majority stakeholder didn't want to learn or try. Nor was the lawyer partner, with his 10% stake in the company, available to give input on the project. It is a small example of the overall issue: taking risk.

The risk I took was in the dream itself. I saw a future for myself that was full of success and excitement rightfully earned through creativity and hard work. In business you are taught the art of 'risk management,' or the process of limiting your losses. While my heart was busy dreaming up possibilities for my future, a good risk management practice would have been for me to check in with what my gut was telling me was really going on around me. Nobody was truly prepared to do the hard work necessary to move forward.

In the end I don't see the past few month's effort as a waste or failure, however I do know enough to cut my losses before things get worse. I learned a couple of new skills and had to work out some creative problems. But the biggest accomplishment I achieved was in learning to take risk on bold new ventures but also to manage that risk. Those skills will certainly come in handy on the next project where I will lead with my heart while checking in every once-in-a-while with my gut.

So today I have fallen. I am embarrassed by my big dreams and bold statements. Yet without them I would be left with nothing today. So I must lovingly gather my dreams and statements back up off the ground, regroup, and pick myself back up as I have learned to do so many times before.

We are hours away from 2011 and I am so very excited. My mind can get very compartmentalized and oriented to steps and timeframes. It's a fault I'm working on. Because while I can see the overall picture and the steps necessary for completion, there are times when I get stuck on a step and can not get around it. Starting points are also quite big for me. And 2011, it seems, has been build up as a major starting point in my head. Like a runner positioned in his starting blocks, I am ready to get going on my journey, but must first wait for the gun to go off and the ball to drop.

I see 2011 as my construction year. As we know, 2009 was when much of my life fell apart, and the house was still crumbling a bit into 2010. But the adjusters have come to see me late this past year and I have a fresh new plan to start my life anew. Every action I take in 2011 will be for the purpose of constructing a new existence unrecognizable to the failed one that was based on a blueprint of conventional thinking.

My umbrella goal is to turn myself into a Power Gay; the successful, well-rounded achiever who excels at all his endeavors. But that is an overall life goal that I will forever be striving for. To move me a step closer I must begin by constructing an entirely new existence. And I see it culminating throughout 2011 in 4 key areas:

1. Body
2. Spirit
3. Social
4. Mind

There is a fun, romantic, energetic, and adventurous feeling most people associate with Las Vegas. Sin City has successfully cultivated positive memories for itself as a premiere entertainment destination for millions... even while taking your money from right in front of you.

For the entire past week before Christmas, I've been on vacation in Vegas with KC & Regan. First let me say that I am extremely proud that I've spent probably only about $350 for the entire week and have seen exhibits, shows, night clubs, drank, and gambled. Not sacrificing too much overall, I've had a pretty full Vegas experience for only a little more than I would have spend at home. But, you see, I've been in Vegas many times and know a few tricks. And unlike the vast majority of tourists, I've been looking around this town a bit.

Like many of the headlining shows, Las Vegas Boulevard and it's glitzy tourist draw is simply a magical illusion. While you are staring in awe at the fountains of Bellagio or the big gold tiger outside of MGM, you are distracted from the things Vegas doesn't want you to see as much like the old and class-less Hooters discount hotel or cheep and tired Bill's Gamblin' Saloon. When you think of Vegas you're thinking about the fancy shops and wonderful casinos, but look towards what the magician is trying to hide and you'll see very poor and old souvenir shops, pawn shops, and more cheep strip clubs than anyone can count.

There's an income gap in this country and The Vegas Strip is a condensed, exaggerated example of the issue. On The Strip today you can be in Gucci and Louis Vuitton on one side of the street and 7-11 on the other. While the rich go and buy the most exquisite jewelry and fashion available in the world, the poor are not far away picking up cigarettes and hot dogs. And I'm not even discussing the impoverished and homeless who are begging for money on the elevated crosswalk in-between the two destinations. But the gap between how fast the rich are improving and the poor are declining is perfectly visible and illustrated in Vegas, literally right across the street from one another.

The middle class in this analogy are just a block away at MGM & New York New York casinos chunking their change into slot machines and throwing down bets on red or black on the roulette wheel. Because, you see, just like in the rest of the country, Vegas is good at leering those with a little bit of discretionary income into placing sucker bets. Again, the magician's illusion is to tell you there is a choice in the matter and that you're having fun walking amongst the wealthy and beautiful. But the trick is that the magician is only using you for his needs and the game is rigged. The lazy middle class are not interested in thinking about the strategy of the game they are playing or trying to learn or look around, so they don't educated themselves on the points of the game being played. Instead the middle class are simply stepping up and throwing out all their cash on two choices that, in the end, are exactly the same: either Republican Red or Democratic Blue (I mean black or red).

Both Las Vegas and the US can treat the middle class with such little disregard because the middle class population is so vast and because eventually they will do as they are told and go home, go back to work where, again, they will be too distracted with life to learn the manipulation tactics being used on them every day to take their cash.

And yet the incredibly rich, the incredibly poor, and the blind middle class are all interested in having a good time and being entertained. What I also find fascinating is how entertainment can pop up for anyone and at any price level. If you've got the cash you're off to see "O" or Cher in concert. If you are poor you'll probably stick to the free pirate show at TI or maybe get a lap dance at a strip club. The middle class will want to see the latest shows but will settle for "Mystere" (which they won't understand) or "Chris Angel's Believe" (which sucked -- don't bother with that one).

So am I turning into a socialist? Do I want everyone to be equal? Do I think that everyone deserves the same? No.

My Vegas vacation has taught me that the economy is diverse and yet survives. There's no need to listen to the doombs-day predictions on the news. But the gap between the street is real and it is widening, make no mistake. Oh, and those fancy shops for the rich are mostly being visited by foreign tourists these days because less and less American's can afford them. Yes, thanks to a very week dollar, I have seen a ton of visitors from Asia this week.

As individuals, we need to look around at our surroundings a little more often and not be distracted by the shiny objects the magician wants us to look at. We need to educate ourselves on the things that look complicated instead of simply plunking our fat asses down in front of a slot machine or TV all night long. Instead of taking the sucker bet and playing by the easy-to-understand rules of going to work every day and earning a pathetic wage, why not re-invent the game and play by your own rules? Find a game and a life that you are passionate about and make the most of it.

In Vegas the house always wins. Make damn sure you are 'the house' of life.

What kind of homo are you? Our little 10% community is quite a diverse one. There are twinks, bears, gym rats, Asian queens, drag queens, tired queens, otters, gaymers, Stepford Fags, activists, leather daddies, trannies, bar trash, sugar daddy, daters, haters, and masturbaters. We are a colorful bunch with many distinctions.

Last weekend I went to a holiday party thrown by my friends Josh & Philip. It's an annual gala affair that brings out the crème de la crème of the Hollywood queers. Josh & Philip are major players and their lives reflect that. They have a massive house: there's a room for the baby-grand, a room for just a fireplace, and a room for books. They have awesome careers that they earned by graduating with honors from top institutions. And they are well-rounded with a variety of interests including world travel, rock climbing, and exotic yoga retreats; yet they remain grounded and genuine to all their friends. Josh & Philip, along with a significant number of those in attendance at this holiday party, are what you would call "Power Gays!"

My Power Gay friend showing off a little on holiday in Bali. Seriously, powerful.

A Power Gay is the Maybach of the homo family. They are successful, shiny, and exclusive. But unlike a high-priced car, the Power Gay remains approachable, grounded, interesting, genuine, and well-rounded. Sure you'll see a Power Gay at the occasional circuit event jumping around shirtless with his perfectly chiseled chest; but he never goes overboard or get's trashy. The Power Gay may be interested in having a night of fun with all his friends, but he will also get up the next day for his group exercise class, yoga, run, or art tour.

A leader in the community, Power Gay's perform charity work and are recognized for their good deeds; yet being gay does not define them and they have interests outside of the community. Highly successful and competitive, a Power Gay does spend a considerable amount of time at his office where he is no doubt CEO, EVP, CMO, or some other combination of a 3-letter title. But you will also find that a Power Gay spends an above-average amount of time on adventurous vacations in history-rich cities that don't have English-speaking tour busses.

Not to confuse you though, a Power Gay can also earn the title through ingenious creativity, activism, and community respect - and not posses the corporate gig or vacations. Let me be clear, tons of money and an expensive wardrobe does not a Power Gay make. It's not about wealth or influence. It's about an overall presence, drive, and character. You can't be a Power Gay if you're an asshole or elitist; and you can't be a Power Gay just because your popular and can blow your way into any club you want.

Simply put, Power Gays excel at everything they do. They amplify all the best qualities inherent to every homosexual.

Every gay person is special and every gay person, by nature of our struggles, has a power within ourselves to draw upon during the dark and troublesome times of our lives. That inner-queer light is a given trait we each have earned through our trying experiences. But it's the Power Gay who is able to tap into that core queer being and ignite it until it radiates from himself and shines upon others with a positive influence. He takes all the powers and traits of his inner homo-being and lives a life of uncompromising excellence, setting a standard for himself and for others.

I saw many fine examples of Power Gays this past weekend and I see some great examples all throughout our community. These pillars have inspired me. Their light has hit me in a new way. A year ago I was emotionally a million miles from where I am today with little confidence in my abilities and was rather jealous of the people at this same party. But only a year later so many things have changed; I have shed much of the negative baggage I once carried.

Though it will be a struggle and something I may never obtain, I vow in 2011 to begin my quest towards becoming my own Power Gay in life! Like any noble quest, I may never achieve victory, nor may I realize if and when I do. But it is simply the quest to become a Power Gay that I feel I must now journey in order to achieve my goals and become my best queer-self.

Who among you is Man enough to join me on this noblest of quests?