Charging Through Life

One thing I am not is religious. I find the whole notion of organized religion to be phony and, for the most part, devoid of merit. Some people of faith lead virtuous lives and don't harm or judge others, but they tend to be a rare few compared with the hoards of crazy nut-balls who condem everything they don't understand.

I went to church as a kid and observed a very cliquish environment where you sit and basically watch an interactive stage show with singers, musicians, and a motivational speaker. And half-way through the show they pass around a dish for your cash. Wars have been fought over this silly performance and the belief system it instills. And what's stranger yet, most groups who go to war over religion have  basically the same core belief system, just different celebrities and wardrobe.

So when someone begins rambling on about religion or using religious terms, I tend to tune them out - politely as not to offend, of course. But the other day someone said something that made me take notice.

Your life has been blessed, Sam. You should realize that and had better make something of yourself.

The conversation went on and he backed up what he was trying to say. And it got me thinking:  Was I living a blessed life? Have I been given certain advantages and opportunities others have been denied? Is there a celestial being who favors my outcome in life and has put me on some cosmic VIP list? I mean look, here I am currently not working a regular job and yet I have managed to fend off foreclosure of my expensive and attractive condo (for now). I have fantastic friends and a deep connection with KC who is an incredibly amazing human being to travel through life with. And though I have been dealt my share of challenges and difficulties, they never end up as bad for me as they do for others. Plus I'm potentially on the verge of creating a new professional career for myself that will be wildly successful, all because I happily stumbled upon this crazy millionaire with a philosophy and an idea.

I must consider the possibility that I am blessed when compared with friends who, despite all their efforts and good intentions, never seem to get a break. It's as if they are doomed to suffer and have been mostly un-successful in turning bad fortune around. Andrea comes to mind as someone who does good deeds for others and yet is continually defeated in life. Does her life lack the plentiful blessings that have been bestowed upon me, or does she simply make bad choices?

Knowing how hard I've worked and the adversity I have overcome, it's impossible for me to believe that my good fortune has simply been handed to me. I started out with a core set of strengths that I built knowledge and experience around. I remained adaptable to change and took risks when opportunities presented themselves. Having made bad choices and mistakes, I then took responsibility for them like a man and tried to learn from them.

While I may not believe in organized religion, I do tend to trust The Universe and the balance it strives for. So when someone tries to convince me that my life is "blessed" I understand what they are trying to say but think of it in terms of balanced. But the part I do believe, the part that has me really thinking now, was the second half of my friend's statement when he said, "You... had better make something of yourself."

When fortune, luck, blessings, balance, karma, or just some damn good shit comes your way, I think it is important to try and make the most of it. I had an incredibly inspiring meeting last night with my new business partners in which we discussed, at length, the notion of doing good for others as merely a way of bring joy to yourself. It was suggested, and I believe correctly so, that our society is beginning a fundamental shift in thinking more about simple pleasures and kindness to others, as opposed to object pleasures and selfishness. And we believe we have a noble product that can foster this movement in a small yet successful way. It is now up to me to believe in this cause, this business, and put my faith in it's success while I cast aside the safety of a steady pay check and try to make a difference in my life and the lives of others.

If I have been blessed with fortune and opportunity, and I live in a Universe of balance, I am almost compelled to take this risk and try to make something that is good. And if God, or The Universe, is out there looking after me, then it all should turn out good in the end, right? So I'm not really taking a risk at all - I'm maintaining balance in my life (just not balance in my check book).

When Dorothy crash-landed in the wonderful world of color she quickly demonstrated some good crisis evaluation and planning: she assessed her surroundings, made friends with the locals, learned about available resources, and put together a plan.
She had a goal: get the fuck home.
She had a destination or means: The Wizard.
And she had a clear path to follow: the yellow brick road.

Why in life are we not given such bright, clear, and well-groomed paths to follow on the way to our destinations? Hell, why do so many of us not even have a destination in life to follow a path towards?

I set out a goal for myself a number of months ago; it was a goal to change my life for the better. Alright, I admit, I make a lot of goals and fully commit to about half of them. But that's the point! Either my goals aren't genuine or I easily get distracted along the very long path to reaching them. This blog is littered with examples of me going merrily along my way, skipping along a path to reach one of my goals when.... *Squirrel!*

For the record, my goal is to create a lifestyle for myself. I'm not chasing bright lights or fame, I'm after a better way to live an above-average life where I'm happy, successful, and comfortable. After eleven years in the corporate rat race I've discovered the very opposite path to reaching that goal; and after traveling the wrong way for a number of years, have finally turned myself around. Owning my own company and being my own boss may very well be the "man behind the curtain" that will get me what I want out of life.

But I'm being distracted. Life is distracting me from my shinny yellow path. The looming foreclosure, a lack of reliable income, feelings of inadequacy and doubt have all become these flying monkeys sent to drag me off of my path and into the brush. I'm expending thought, energy, worry, time and resources on these 'things.'

My house is a thing. My TV is a thing. Money is a thing. I live in a world where things are in abundance. And I'm resourceful enough to acquire things when I need them. But these things come and these things go. They are in abundance if you remain creative. It's an annoying fact of life that you deal with acquiring and loosing things all the time, and then you move on. It's when you become distracted and consumed with the unknown that you run the risk of getting stopped, stuck, turned around, or lost.

While things may be in abundance, what is truly scarce in this world are paths to a destination. Everyone seeks a path, a fresh start, a direction, a purpose, a meaning. And when those lucky few people stumble upon a path for their life, it's the 'things' that get in the way and distract them (the money, the kids, the relationships, the house...) Sure these things seem important at the time. Keeping my home from being sold at auction in 20 days is extremely important right now! But how much control, relative to the amount of distraction I'm allowing it to cause my life, do I honestly have in preventing the loss of this thing - my house? I'm no lawyer, I'm no mortgage lender, I'm no business expert. And yet the threat of foreclosure right now is pulling at me in every direction, as if the straw stuffing is literally being pulled right from my head.

You can afford to loose things but you can't afford to loose the path.

Kenyon believes in me and believes I'm on the right path and has told me to stop worrying about the things in my life. Stuff is going to happen to the things, he says, but I can't allow these things to distract me from my path. He said that there are a few people in the world who have the talent and skills to make stuff happen in life - and happen in a big way. He believes I am one of those people.

Proof positive, once again, that it's Kenyon who is the one on this journey with the big brain.... and the big heart!

There is a theme song for this entire weekend and (surprise) it's from a musical.

Again...Step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch...
Again...Step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch...

Now I don't want to be some tired cliché or obvious theater fag here, but the song is from A Chorus Line and it has been the guiding inspirational medley getting me through until Monday.

Turn, turn, out, in, jump, step,
Step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch...

You see, on Thursday I came across the perfect new job.... Creative Director for Atlantis Events Inc.

Five, six, seven, eight!
Turn, turn, touch, down, back, step
(Beat)

Now I know that for anyone out there reading this blog you might be a little confused. "Sam," one might ask, "I thought you had your own business and were never going to go work for anyone else ever again? Aren't you afraid of The Rat Race?" Very valid arguments. But there is a reality of the situation here and that reality is that I need a steady paycheck to be able to pay the bills while I am building this business. And though I haven't lost faith in myself to be an entrepreneur, the house is still legally F'ed and I need to take care of and be planning for my future. Plus I'm tired to defending my choices to my very rich and successful friends at parties.

I really need this job.
Please, God, I need this job.
I've got to get this job.

Working as Creative Director for Atlantis would be absolutely perfect! It is a small gay company with a unique and desired product that is well known and has a perceived high value and high satisfaction rate. The job would be exactly what I would enjoy doing and would be creatively challenging. Plus, if all goes according to my master dream, I would find myself in a situation where I could do both: have the steady job with the freedom to do my work when I wanted and still have time for my clients. Without being too presumptuous, I believe I could do that job and manage my own projects and deadlines while, hopefully, having the freedom to work both in and out of the office while running my freelance business simultaneously. It would be a lot of work but I'm prepared and confident in my abilities

In the musical, each of the characters has a unique life circumstance that they must face while chasing their dream of becoming a Broadway star. They all have worked hard in the past and are working hard still to make their dreams a reality.

My unique life circumstances have prepared me for this opportunity. I have the creativity, experience, drive, and brains to pull off being a top-knotch Creative Directer, successful communications consultant, and savvy stock market investor. And yet, like the kids auditioning for a spot on the chorus line, my life experiences and personality are going to be judged by someone else to see if I have what it takes to make it at this company.

I am not chasing a dream of fame and lights in the big city - I am chasing a lifestyle, one that I believe I am suited for and will thrive at happily for years to come. I may be on the cusp of making it big here. Now is the time to shine.

God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it!

I have said it before but I need to say it again.... Be fucking careful what you wish for! It was only 51 days ago that I sat up and slapped myself in the face to wake up from my unemployment apathy. I had lost a bit of my spunk and wasn't taking advantage of my new freedom afforded to me by not working corporate.

WOW how things have changed. I've launched my new consulting business and website, and have secured 5 new clients! I am working on some fun projects and have some interesting challenges. I am SO much busier and content than when I asked for something to change.

Q:  Why the hell didn't I do this sooner? I mean, I could have been living like this the entire time? Someone really should have passed that note along to me a while ago.

Stepping out on your own and taking risks is not an easy thing to do. For some dumb reason we are constantly told what we can't do in life: be it from our parents, our society, or ourselves. And when you finally get fed up and start to break convention to go after something new and risky, you find out (hopefully more often than not) that you can do it.

Fuck convention.
Fuck rules.
Fuck safety nets.
Fuck the norm.
Fuck the status quo.

Bitches of the world, I am done telling myself what can't be done and will only look at what I have done and can/will do!

Now however... it's time for me to start charging some cash for all this discovered courage and enthusiasm.

Each of my new clients are paying me. And I've negotiated the prices for all of my services. The problem is that I hear their "business sob stories" of how tight money is and how slow business is and how they need my help. Then like a cheep street-walker on her first night out on Santa Monica Blvd. I quote a price I think they can afford. In doing so I'm selling Sam (and all his greatness and talent) short.

Um, hello..... Mr. Sam.... Of Course money is tight, business is slow, and they need your help 
Otherwise They Wouldn't Be Hiring You!!!!!!!
(I sure may be pretty but, damn I can be stupid)

Alright, to be fair to myself, I'm building a client base and a portfolio here. I can reap reward from these projects in more ways than monetarily. But I'm working hard for little money right now. And that's an uneasy pill to swallow.

Knowing your worth and your value are key in life. So too are believing in your worth and your value.

It's OK to be 'top shelf' if you are worth it. It is also OK to ask for 'top shelf' pricing if you deserve it. And I do.

It's been 10 days and I have finally crawled out of the desert onto the other side. I have finished The Master Cleanse detox diet. I had mentioned that this extreme detox process is fraught with opinion and controversy so best to just experience it for myself. Well I experienced it alright. If you are considering something like this I can honestly tell you this one caution: be prepared to be hungry! I have never thought about food more than during these past 10 days. And like a crazy pregnant woman with odd cravings, I have thought about (and dreamed about) foods that normally I don't desire.

Did I loose weight? Yes.
Did I eliminate toxins? Yes.
Did I do my body good? Yes.
Did I want a burger a fries the whole time? Yes!

I don't know that I can honestly recommend this for everyone and I'm not certain I'll do it again. There is a commitment level to completing it that is challenging. And although I feel fantastic and have learned some things about my body, the payoff may not have been worth all the trouble. Throughout the process I experienced emotional swings where I was empowered to make great improvements one part of the day, and then felt like giving up another part of the day. I also sorta isolated myself from the outside because there was food and alcohol out there that I couldn't enjoy. Friends went to the movies without me, for example.

I have learned that I use food as a source of entertainment. It is something to fill the void. Sitting in my condo all day working (or trying to work) I use to let my stomach be the boss. Also, I am easily distracted, so if I got bored working or needed to take a break I would simply go and grab something to eat. Sometimes I would eat a meal just because it was "about that time."

I also learned that I often will talk myself out of better choices. Before, when I was hungry and looking around the kitchen, part of my brain would be saying, "make a salad - it's healthy," while the other side of my brain would say, "fuck it - you've got a box of mac & cheese sitting right there." Guess which side would win? Completing this process has made me more aware of these habits so I will hopefully make better conscious choices in the future.

After 10 days of eating a bushel of lemons I can say that, yea, I lost some weight. However it's not a substitute for the gym and a good diet.

One of the main reasons I decided to do this was to loose a little bit of weight. Because of my "fuck it" attitude of the past few months, my belly region had expanded and I was not pleased. I am happy to report that my gut has gone down, though it's still not flat and ripped like I dream it should be. The other thing I've learned is that The Master Cleanse is not a substitute for exercise. Rather than being a quick-fix solution, it should be thought of as a jump-start jolt to a better lifestyle. And I'm absolutely committing myself to that mindset.

If you are considering The Master Cleanse I have a couple of helpful suggestions for you.

1. Have a buddy. This is not something to do on your own because misery loves company.
2. Do it for the right reasons. This should be used as a jump-start to better choices and eating more whole foods cooked from home. If you're just going to run back out to Burger King afterwords, or can only cook with Hamburger Helper, then don't bother.

 The biggest takeaway from this experience is a since of accomplishment. I experienced something very difficult to do and saw it through to completion. Come on, I was basically starving myself for the past 10 days on purpose and didn't give up. It's another example for me to recall on when faced with uncertainty or hesitation in life that that will remind me that I am bigger than I sometimes give myself credit for and I WILL do anything I set my mind to.

Now, can somebody now please find me damn muffin!

People said I was crazy to do the 10-day Master Cleanse. Here on day 3, I wonder if they may be right. It has been a rather difficult day mentally for me. My emotions have run the gamut from empowered to depressed. I've spent the day alone wanting to be productive and accomplish some work, but instead I've mostly sat around by myself wanting to munch on something.

I began to question my motives for doing this cleanse when it hit me... this is only day 3! If I can't stick to something for more than 3 days then there is something very wrong here. I am no stranger to change and I'm only changing myself for 10 stupid days. It should be a piece of cake.
(yummmmmmm cake)

It's really more a matter of habits. I am in the habit of eating solid foods. I am in the habit of being comforted by food. I am in the habit using food as a source of entertainment outside of the home. And it's because of these habits that I must complete The Master Cleanse.

These bad habits need to be flushed out of me like the toxins that have accumulated from years of consuming processed food. Hopefully, upon the conclusion of this experience, I will see a new slate upon which to scribe new habits for myself. No sodas, fresh juice, more vegetables, complex carbs. Sounds simple enough to do, but when you are mired in habits that are convenient, you need something significant to initiate even simple changes.

But you can be damn sure that I fully intend on treating myself to a cheeseburger after all this shit! (hopefully I'll choose to use ground turkey for a change)