Charging Through Life

I've written before how incredible the view and feeling is when you are at life's bottom. I've got no job, no income, no insurance, no 401(k) investment, and no single "best friend." This is the time when I should be freaking the fuck out. Fear should be overpowering me and motivating me to find a new job to replace my lost income. But it's not. So what's wrong with me?

I've started reading the book "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" and I've decided to blog about some of the lessons I learn from it (after all this is a financial blog, I should get back to the financial side of things).

Being the imaginative person I am and having only a small amount of knowledge on the subject, I'm finding, while reading this book, that my brain is in a whirlwind of thought and is now busy dreaming up lifelong scenarios for me that completely go against absolutely everything I was ever taught in the past. You see, we are taught to work hard, earn a good paycheck, use the money to buy ourselves nice things, and invest with what's left over. But, seriously, when has that formula ever worked for anybody? You simply end up making a lot more money for someone else, receive a paycheck that's been attacked by taxes, insurance, retirement and Social Security before it ever reaches your hands. You then take that smaller check and spend nearly all of it on basic essentials: food, clothing and shelter. With what is left over you spend buy yourself a little happy in the form of some luxury items (oh, BTW, you're taxed on all these things that you are buying). The majority of people are left now in the negative, actually owing someone for the purchases they've made. Very Very few are left after this with anything to keep for themselves. There is but only one thing left for a person to do.... go back into the office and repeat the entire cycle.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you "The Rat Race."

I was programmed from birth to be part of that system. I was conditioned to be a cog in that system. Through education, society, family, and propaganda I was taught that by being part of this cycle I would be successful and happy. But I haven't been! I've been working at a company since I graduated college in 1999. I've gone from company to company, job to job and all it ever got me was $40k in-debt and a bankruptcy. In all these jobs, I've never been really educated or taught a trade. I've never been motivated or rewarded for my efforts. And these jobs have never produced satisfaction or life fulfillment. As I put together a resume that is suppose to highlight these eleven years of corporate life, I find it to be empty and devoid of any real accomplishment. And I fear the next sub-standard job I'm suppose to be looking for right now will be just more of the same.

I have a fear of my future. I have a fear of the unknown.

Now this fear is to be expected; and anyone in my situation would have the exact same emotions. The difference is, most people with this fear would turn to the next job and try in-vain to re-enter "The Rat Race." I don't think I want to do that.

There's a passage in this book that got me thinking about this topic:

If the fear of not having enough money arises, instead of immediately running out to get a job to earn a few bucks to kill the fear, try instead asking the question, 'Will a job be the best solution to this fear over the long run?'"

I've had corporate jobs for eleven years now and after eleven years I'm at rock bottom. I'm where I should be right out of college. OK, sure you could argue that I have a condo and a car and marketable skills. But if I were to continue doing what I'm doing, what evidence I do have to suggest a different outcome? NONE. And if I were to get back into the game expecting a different result, well then that's the definition of insanity.

My imaginative mind is spinning once again with possibilities. I'm working hard to throw away conventional thinking and wisdom so that I may find a creative solution that, while may not be safe, will be satisfying. And I think that is the biggest obstacle; to defy conventional thinking and ignore conventional advice opting instead to be creative and risky.

Fear motivates people. For most, it motivates them into doing what they've been conditioned to do; to do what is safe. Fear motivates people to work for money. I'm gong to try and flip everything around. I'm going to try and make money work for me.

It's my birthday, bitches!

There are two things you're suppose to do on your birthday: celebrate yourself and make a wish. When my buddy Wes recently clocked into the big 3-4, he made sure to celebrate himself with as much self-love and fanfare as he wanted by making the day all about him. And why shouldn't he? He's a fantastic man who's grown and overcome a ton to accomplish exactly what he puts his mind to.

I've made some accomplishments this year too (though many are still a work-in-progress). I'm getting healthy by going to the gym and eating better and have cut out sodas, I'm still debt free, I'm looking for a better job while building my freelance business, and I'm stepping out of my comfort zone more often. (notice how nicely those accomplishments fit within my 10 for X list. You didn't forget about that New Years resolution of mine did you?)

So on this day to celebrate my accomplishments and my 34 years, I took my friends to to see "Sex and the City 2." We all went to dinner and then out for drinks in WeHo afterwards. I love my friends - not all of them are fans of Sex and the City but that didn't stop them from joining me in what I wanted to do for the day. And they made sure I had a great time!

A little side note: absent from my festivities was Randy and, well everyone of his and my mutual friends. I'm not gonna lie, it sucks that the one person who appreciates SITC as much as me is not around to share it with me this year. Oh, and according to Facebook, he spend his day with our mutual friends doing the exact same things as what I had planned for the day. Funny. This fight of ours is worse than when Carrie and Miranda fought over Big in season 3. But unlike theirs, he and I will never be the same again. It's yet another challenge to my character -- to remain strong in my values during this problem as I grow from the little boy who made so many mistakes in his 20's, to the confident man of my 30's (mid-thirtys even).

So as I blow out my 34 candles this year, I am thankful for the people in my life who are there for me in the good times and the bad times and I make a pledge to be an even better friend to to them in the future. My hope is for old friendships to transform themselves into something healthy for future continuation. I look forward to a year of positive change and great personal growth. I dedicate 34 to be a year of complete improvement. It is my Birthday wish for all the important people around me each to grow stronger, closer, and more successful, together, this year.

You may recall that my best friend and I are having some issues (and that's putting it lightly). I blogged last about said issues before in the entry, "Mouse or Man." This represents the second major fight where he and I have gone for weeks without speaking (months now). The first major fight, in part, lead to the creation of this blog.

As anyone who's ever been in an argument will tell you, you can't have a fight without two people. And both parties are to blame for portions of this fight. For my part, I was consumed with my own problems of money, debt, bankruptcy, and failing career. And those personal issues of mine were seeping into my relationship in the forms of jealousy and frustration. Also, I couldn't stop thinking about my issues even when I was suppose to be having fun with my friend. Problems, it seams, were all I wanted to talk about.

Randy, you half to understand, is very "me" oriented (I'm not one to use the word "selfish" but feel free to use that word if you prefer). And on the day of our fight, he was particularly self-consumed with his own interests. Interests which were primarily focussed on superficial things like talking about vacations and clothes - things I couldn't partake in at the time. 

While I was scraping near the bottom of despair,  Randy was climbing to the top of his game by getting promotions, swimming in more money than he knows what to do with, having two hot boys chasing after him, having lots of sex, and planning an entire summer of great trips. We were in two very different places. 

On this particular day, I was overflowing with my own feelings and needs and I was emotionally vulnerable, especially around topics of money and success. I needed a friend - a "best friend" to help me sort out my issues and to be sympathetic towards my troubles. 

But Randy is a shark; he's not the "best friend" that I needed that day. And when you swim with a shark you need to understand what to expect. Your gonna get bit! 

This is essentially the problem: I expected Randy to treat me the way I would have treated him if the situation were reverse. Instead, all I got was bit, and quite unexpectedly. Is it Randy's fault that I got bit or should I have been expecting it? Did I project what I would have done in the situation onto him and unfairly expected too much of someone who doesn't think the way I do?

It would sound like I'm mad at the boy, and for a while I was positively furious with him. But sitting here today in my new mode of self-reflection and self-improvement, I'm trying to objectively analyze situations to see what can be learned from the experiences in my life. I truly believe that this fight and our time apart was a crucial and significant event that needed to happen and has pushed me forward, emotionally, for the better.

You see, the relationship of Randy & Sam was exactly that, "Randy & Sam." We were almost always paired together. For the longest time, if you invited Randy somewhere you knew Sam would also join. For a while, even, people were convinced we were dating. But "Randy & Sam" was even more unhealthy then it first seems because I allowed him to take the lead in nearly every situation we were in together. I allowed him to make decisions, to be the point-of-contact, to introduce me to others, and to be my safety net in uncomfortable social situations. I retreated into his shadow where I could feel safe but yet still included as one of the group but without risk. It was not a good situation for me and it was an unfair burden to place on him. I was the pilot fish to Randy's shark; swimming around and off to the side, feeding on whatever leftovers he didn't consume.

As a result of this separation, however, today I'm out on my own and am discovering a new confidence I never even knew I was lacking in the first place. My close friends are happy to see me out of Randy's shadow -- they were tired of sitting by watching the abuse he dealt me. This argument between once "best friends" and our time apart has really empowered me. It coincided with other significant changes in my life where I had no choice but to be strong, decisive, and self-reliant. It was in this time that I was reminded how strong and resourceful I am. I've really stepped up my game and am making great personal strides and accomplishments.

But there's a problem.

What didn't occur to me at the time of the fight was the possibility of a division of friends. Since "Randy & Sam" looked and acted like a married couple to so many, the natural tenancy for some of our mutual friends, it appears, is to gravitate towards one of the two divorcés. If this is the situation then I'm getting shafted.

It started two weekends ago when Chris & Michael invited Rob, Terrance & Randy out to Aqua Caliente to go camping. There was no invite for Sam. Now it could have been because of limited space in the camper. It could have been because I've only been on three previous camping trips where the others have been on twice that many, at least. It could have just been a strange coincidence that has no malice intent whatsoever. At any rate, I was left out.

Then this weekend I reached out to Randy to try and set up a lunch date to begin the mending process but was told, "I'll be in Palm Springs with the guys." Thanks to a little Facebook investigation on my part, I've learned that nearly everyone of our friends has rented a house for a long weekend desert escape to celebrate Matt's Birthday as well as Jared's Birthday. This irritates me to no end because those are MY vacations! I've been part them for years now.

At first I rationalized to myself, "they know you are without a job, Sam, and they don't want to burden you with more money problems." However Steve is out there right now and he's in worse financial shape than I am, having been in-between jobs for the entire year now. Then I thought, "well it's really a birthday for Jared and Matt and, while you are friends with Matt, you haven't formed much of a relationship with Jared. Maybe they thought it would be awkward." That was until I saw that there are some 12 guys out there in all and a couple of them are meeting Jared and his husband Brian for the first time this weekend.

The shark has bit me again! And, once again, I'm the little pilot fish who's not aggressive enough to keep hold of the relationships and friends I have (or had).

So now it's time to assert myself and be a more forward leader among these friends, if I intend on keeping them. No more waiting around for the leftover chum that is handed to me. Nope, now I know that if I want something it is up to me to take the first bite. Does anyone smell blood in the water?

Today I hit one of those small goals on my way to the New Sam; I completed my first month of Barry's Bootcamp known as The Academy!

It may come to be known as the toughest part of my physical transformation. In those first few weeks I had terrible trouble keeping up on the treadmill, I experienced the most excruciating shin splints I've ever known, I had trouble with lighter weights that should have been easy for me, and I constantly felt lost during class. But I kept going every day and I kept pushing myself. I made some nice friends and started choosing heavier weights.

Today I'm running further and faster on the treadmill and pushing 30 to 35lb free weight dumbbells in the various exercises. People in my everyday life have been encouraging me all along but now they are starting to tell me they see results showing. I can't say that I see these changes as of yet, but I'm starting to feel them.

This first month of exercising, for me, was all about proving to myself that I can do this. It was about fixing and reenforcing my foundation so I have strong muscles and strong emotions to continue building upon. And it was about getting my body use to the idea of pushing harder and feeling stronger while shedding fat. I've followed through with the commitment I made of getting up every morning (even though I really don't half to) and getting myself to the gym. I've been diciplined about my diet and significantly cut out crap-foods like soda and processed junk with excess sugar. I've had a Shakeology nearly every morning and vitamins after nearly every lunch.

As I get ready for the month of May, it's time for me to intensify everything. I intend on continuing Bootcamp every morning but I'm going to add an additional 30-min jog and P90X routine in the afternoons. I intend on becoming even more disciplined with my diet by eating a small healthy meal every 3-4 hours. I intend on using protein powders to help feed my muscles more throughout the day and even at night while I sleep.

My problem areas still glare at me with contempt when I look at myself in the mirror. My ass is still disproportionately large, as are my thighs. Most of my jeans still don't fit comfortably and the elastic on my underwear is stretched to the limit when sitting on my hips. But despite not having some miraculous transformation in only 20 workouts, I do take away from this first month a since of accomplishment as well as a since of resolve. I am proud that I completed this first month. I feel a since of progress and improvement. And I am determined to step up my game and attack my physic with greater vigor in this next month. Just wait and see what I can accomplish next!

You're a man on a mission. It's inspiring!
-- Barry Stich

The power and impact of positive reinforcement is staggering. And when you have people in your life who believe in you, encourage you, and push you - there's nothing that can't be accomplished.

This morning I was sorta not wanting to get out the door to go workout. It was cold, I was sluggish, blah. But, as we've discussed, getting to Bootcamp everyday at 8AM is part of my job right now. I just get up and do it regardless. And when I got to class I felt great! I was pushing myself and really getting somewhere. I felt accomplished. And my efforts were recognized when Barry said those very kind and unexpected words to me.

What a change from only 30-days ago when I was depressed, lazy, and constantly told what I can't do in my life. My experience in the corporate world at Beachbody was all about limits. Barry sees nothing but possibilities. And he is influencing me to see all the possibilities in myself as well.

That's the power of a great cheerleader or mentor. They have the ability to see within ourselves something that we don't yet believe exists. And sometimes, without even realizing it, they are able to awaken what is dormant inside us.

Mentoring a skill I think many of today's managers lack. Corporate life today is about 'playing the game.' At many places, managers spend their time skirting blame while over-hyping trivial successes. Managers see their role in only being about what they can accomplish for themselves, instead of focussing on the success and growth of those who report to them. I know, for me, I alway outperform for those superiors who challenge me, encourage me, and are able to reward my successes. Sadly, that was completely absent from my last job.

Luckily, this new job has those attributes in abundance, which is why I think I'm performing so well right now! But it's up to me to continually surround myself with positive influences and seek new inspiration to fuel my efforts in getting in great shape AND finding my next great career. By having focus for myself and encouragement from people around me, I will begin living the life I wish for myself.

I believe Barry is right: I AM a Man on a Mission. And every day that mission is becoming better defined and more realized than before.

Do you believe that people in LA are shallow? It's OK if you do; it's a prevalent stereotype that is not all entirely untrue. When thinking about today's topic, it's tough for me not to come across as a shallow LA fag. I tried to frame it differently, but it is what it is. So here goes - don't think less of me...

How we define success in life is so very different for every person. Some look towards fame, others towards family, others toward work to measure success in their life. And how you define your own personal success will change many times throughout your life. Getting that first great car in your 20's makes you feel successful, though not nearly as does owning your first home. Then, as your children graduate high school and are off to college, you probably feel more successful than at any prior moment in your life. That is until the grandkids come.

For me, today, at this moment, success in life would half to be defined by 'getting my shit together' and engineering an entirely new stage for my life. I would feel successful by finding and landing a fantastic career that pays me very well, getting a handle on my mortgage, getting toned and muscular, and having an incredible summer without the depressed or jealous feelings of inadequacy I have around those friends who do have the money, the career, the house, the muscles.

And here's the part where feel guilty that my definition of success today is just a bunch of superficial crap. "Where," my guilty conscious asks, "are the deep meaningful friendships, the efforts to improve the world, the impacting of other people's lives, the being kind and forgiving bullshit answers you're suppose to say about what constitutes a 'Successful Life'?"

See, I'm shallow. It's an LA thing, give me a break.

Though, thinking about it, it could be a fundamental character flaw I have in my attraction to material things. When I was a kid growing up in Fortville there was this funeral home that was two-stories tall and had white columns from the porch to the roof. I always associated it with being a 'big and glamorous house.' I would tell my parent's that, "one day I'll live in a house like that." Sure it doesn't look like much today, but to an 8y/o living in fucking Fortville, IN it might as well have been a mansion. Sad thing is, the one-beadroom condo I own in West Hollywood today probably costs more than that old house which still sits down the street from an abandoned grain silo.

Who's to say how I'll define success 30 years from now? I look at my buddy Topper, who's in his mid-seventies, and hope that success in my later years of life skew in similar directions as his have. He owns a successful fragrance line, a spa, has a husband of a million-years, and more friends than he can count. But the thing for which he feels most fulfilled is in the abundance of good friends who come by his store just to chat. He feels success by being able to graciously welcome and entertain them, and provide a comfortable space for others to enjoy. The money and the business don't mean nearly as much as the connections he has formed with others.

I'm sure I'll get there someday (hopefully). But today, being able to support myself financially with some  extra mula around to play with, and having a career that engages my creativity and fuels my passions, is pretty top on the list of priorities. And it's a damn good way to gauge success in my life.

Sure, I could gauge success by looking back at my accomplishments through these past 34 years - and I would have plenty of examples to choose from. My accomplishments go as far back as third-grade where it was decided that I had a learning disability and needed to be in Special Ed classes; but by middle school, the Special Ed classes became optional. And by high school I was accepted into elite-status classes such as Journalism. Today you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who thinks I ever had a learning disability (unless they see my awful spelling, that is).

Other examples of success from my past include me moving out of my parent's house when I was 18 to attend college. My Grandpa Watkins didn't think I would do either of those things, instead placing his bet that I'd, "be back living with Mom before the end of the first year." Yet four years later, there I was, the first person on Mom's side of the family to earn a Bachelor's degree. And I payed for it all on my own (for several, several years to come).

I was also successful when I ventured on my own to move to California while much of my family remains in the same Indiana county they've lived their entire lives. And success further would be be in always fighting for myself: be that by coming out of the closet in the early 90's, or in finding new income when previous jobs were lost - never asking for or requiring financial assistance from relatives.

But I've done that stuff already - it's old news. What's important today is to concentrate on how I view success now, and how I'm striving for a more successful life in my future. Hopefully you will agree that I am making very deliberate and effective efforts to obtain a successful life. I'm committed to staying dedicated to my goals of hitting the gym, of meeting with my Life Coach, of further discovering and developing my interested and talents. These, and other goals, will lead me towards securing a new career that can be an instrumental component to achieve more successes in the long-term; no matter how I may change or re-define what constitutes a Successful Life for me in the future.

The routine and reality of my life today, a mere two weeks after leaving Beachbody, is so unbelievably different than when I was hitting the daily 9 to 5 (excuse, me - 9 to 6). I am happy to report that I have gotten more accomplished, had more fun, and have improved myself more in these two weeks than I have in the past three years. So far I have:

• Opened up a personal loan to start re-building my credit
• Completed my first week of Barry's Bootcamp where my ass has been pushed hard on the dreaded treadmill
• Began seeing my buddy Chris who is a Life Coach to help me transition to a better career path instead of just accepting the first shitty job offer that comes my way
• I set up a new home office and organized all the office clutter in my life (one really can not live his life entirely paperless, as I have discovered)
• Discovered my top 5 strengths
• Payed my taxes
• Set up a load of projects to accomplish during this down-time
• and spent more time with my friends, including on really fun band with Andrea and then rock climbing with Wes