Sunday, August 9, 2009
Life Today (aka: the pity entry)
As I start this 7-year journey I'm going to need to document where I am at the start of it. I've already given a financial snapshot but this 'personal financial restructuring' is more than about numbers. It's going to be about emotions and attitudes. It's an attempt to force my life to conform to what I expect or would hope it should be. I guess I could call this journey my 'personal restructuring' and X the financial part, but whatever.
I'm writing this outside near the pool on a Sunday afternoon. I've spent the entire weekend inside watching movies so getting outside as far as my WiFi will allow is a nice change. Last weekend was nearly the same for me. Why am I being so reclusive? Because I have $50 to last me until Thursday - haven't you been paying attention?
There is very little I can think of to do outside the safety of Larraby Spa that doesn't involve cash.
I haven't been hanging out with my friends as much as I probably should. I know, we all have our own problems right now: Brian is looking for a real job, Drew doesn't know how to save money, Regan is an alcoholic, Bruce is depressed, Randy has anger management issues, KC may be OK - he is in a new relationship with Al - but I don't know for certain. But even still, finances are my area of self-pride. Admitting that I'm struggling is hard to do.
For example, on Wednesday we all meet up for dinner before TV night. The check came and we were like $80 short. Nobody was saying anything and I just said, "but the rest on my card." Bless his heart, Brian said, "you can't afford to be doing that right now." It was sweet even though the truth sucks.
And don't even get me started on the boyfriend subject. Man, I have not felt worthy of a relationship for so long now. For the longest time TimTom was interested in me but my fear of opening up and dealing with a serodiscordant relationship drove me to ruin that prospect. Now Jason at work is clearly interested in me but neither he nor I will make a first move. I know why I won't: damaged goods - I'm broke and +. Plus he's like 8% body fat compared to my 13%.
One could say that I am the poorest I have ever been in my life. No money, no savings, a job but no career or growth, no boyfriend, and friends that I'm not exactly turning to. Is this my rock bottom? I mean, it must be - I've already come to accept that I'm at "the last option" and will be seeing a bankruptcy attorney. This must be the point where I realize other things must change too.
So here I am on an outstandingly beautiful 80° Sunday afternoon in August -- hiding and sad.
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