Charging Through Life

The other day I casually mentioned to Randy that I had started a blog to get out some of my frustrations and to be able to look back on my progress. To which he asked, "is it a tail of woe like your recent Facebook postings have been?"

Homo Say What?

Apparently some friends had expressed concern to Randy about a couple of my recent Facebook updates sounding "desperate." Now to be fair, one entry was done while I was drunk (though you can argue that you are at your most honest when you're sloshed) and the other truly was when I was feeling desperate. It's just I didn't realize I was coming off as "desperate" to others.

So fast-forward to today as I am on the couch with hot wings, a 2-liter, and pizza (it all sounded better than it turned out to be) recovering from a tawdry weekend of unplanned debauchery. As I sit here watching Sex and the City I'm running a postmortem of the weekend in my head trying to figure out how it all got derailed. I have to wonder if my all-night sexcapade was a desperate act. Desperate for love, desperate for attention, desperate to see a large cock. (I am desperate to maintain a theme for this entry).

OK, to keep this entry moving along I just did what I learned in Journalism school to never do and I looked up the meaning in the dictionary. Forgive me.

des•per•ate adjetive 1) having lost hope -- well I can stop right there

I'm going to state now, with almost relative confidence, that I've never been without hope. Sure 2009 will be marked in Sam's History as "The Year Shit Happened," and it's true that there were a few weeks or months there where I really didn't see much hope left in my financial situation. But to suggest that through all this I "have lost hope" is not a definition I can agree with.

But having hope alone might not be the opposite of being desperate.

Clearly, the "action" I took this weekend to get myself in the naked presence of other men(s) was the wrong action and I know better. Yet I've been making that same mistake for a while now. Much like the whole credit card thing; I know something is wrong, I continue to have hope for my future, but yet I keep turning right at Albuquerque when Bugs Bunny and I both know I should have turned left. This repeating pattern of bad actions isn't helping my cause and must change.

The random, shallow internet hook-ups are not healthy, and they sound better then they turn out to be (much like Papa Johns). And I don't yet feel confident enough to try my hand at the dating pool. I mean, I'd like to feel as though I have something to offer other than self-absorbed problems. So how does a horny 33/yo queer boy living in the heart of gayville maintain a healthy and socially-acceptable sex life?

When it comes to getting my rocks off, I must try and not turn into someone who is desperate for dick. It's an unattractive quality that is counter-productive to my ultimate goal of finding a boyfriend.

Change to better my life has already been set into motion. It is up to me to keep the momentum going. So in the category of sex I must remember my goals and what I want to accomplish and make better choices. I HOPE therefore I'm not DESPERATE, hopefully.

(this entry made absolutely no since)