Charging Through Life

And it starts again. I don't know if anyone actually reads this blog, but even I'm tired of listening to me talk about today's topic: exercise. I get all pumped up and proclaim in a big way that I'm going to transform my body into a hot, sexy, ripped gay machine only to get distracted a few weeks into my new fitness routine. Yet as it was with so many blog entries before this, today I will be making yet another grand statement proclaiming big plans for my improved health and fitness (feel free to use this time to think about your own life and goals because, folks, you've heard all this before from me).

It has been 3 years, 9 months, and 6 days since I was first introduced to P90X when I was hired by Beachbody. And in that entire time I have yet to complete the 90-day program! Oh, sure, I've started it more times than I care to think - I've just never finished it. Something distracts me, I get stressed out, I see something shiny to play with.... who knows what my problem is. It has also been 6 months and 5 days since I hit a gym of any kind including Barry's Bootcamp. Obviously, lately I have not had the proper focus for.... hey look at this cool, pretty thing!

So after putting on some extra weight and having KC point out that my gut is starting to look like my Dad's, I've realized that it's time to get back to work! I started out on Saturday with the P90X "Cardio X." Not a particularly difficult program; it has a little bit of everything from yoga, kempo, and core. Easy peasey. But sunday morning I was woken up by my sore muscles -- like the kind of pain I would expect after an intense bootcamp workout, not a few minutes of fucking Cardio!

But sticking to it, I popped in P90X "Kenpo" on Sunday. I've never done this disc; I've never stuck with the program long enough to make it to this one. Kenpo is all martial arts punch and kick training. No weights, no resistance, just punching air. I quickly found out that I don't know how to throw a punch - I punch like a girl! But I stuck with it and didn't give up.

This morning, more sore muscles. Seriously, what is this? The fucking air kicked my ass! What?

I popped in P90X "Shoulders & Back" and grabbed my 20lbs weights which use to be no problem to wield through the full workout. Half-way through I had to drop down to 10lbs.  I am SUCH a little girl!

What is the lesson in all this? Exercise is like breathing: you really can't stop for too long or else you're going to find yourself in trouble. So I am gong to take a deep breath and push through the pain this week and ramp up to a very serious workout schedule. My plan is to get myself up to 2-hours a day and keep that up (as much as possible) until my birthday at the end of May. For my 35th birthday I want to do a sexy photo shoot with celebrity photographer Adam Bouska. And one of the photos will be me wearing boxing gloves or something hot and manly (provided I learn how to throw a punch by then).

Until that time, I am going to stay resilient, do the work, stay motivated and know that tomorrow I'm going to be in so much pain.

What would you do if you won the lottery tomorrow? Everyone has that dream of what they would do, how they would change their life if, magically, one day they had more money than they ever thought possible. And you hear the stories all the time: some poor factory worker or office pool in Pahrump, Nevada holds the single winning lottery ticket worth millions and their lives are now forever changed.

My jackpot fantasy includes much of the normal stuff as everyone else. I would quit my job, buy some new clothes, maybe buy a condo, get a trainer, invest my money - very important for long term sustainability, and maybe start a business of some kind.

Then the other day it hit me.... I'm living that life! (minus the Brink's Truck full of cash, of course).

While my real-life isn't turning out as grand as I had fantasized, the fact remains that I did quit my job this year (by getting fired), I own my condo (sorta/barely), I bought new clothes (from H&M), I have a trainer (who I haven't seen since April), I know how to invest money (just need to do it), and I have my own business and am on the verge of starting a company (both of which aren't making money yet).

Clearly I am on my way to a blissful life!  ....OK, so the reality still needs a little bit of work to look like the fantacy. But isn't it cool that I'm living out this fantasy life others are still only dreaming?

And then it hit me... so what happens now? What comes next in this fantasy life? Once you have the superficial material crap, what should you want next?

I began reading Chris Guillebeau's book, The Art of Non-Conformity from his manifesto, "A Brief Guide to World Domination." In each he suggests that the two most important question in the universe are:  1) "What do you really want to get out of life?" 2) "What can you offer the world that no one else can?" Those two questions have me very much stumped right now. I don't know the answer to either one! What I want out of life seems to change, like daily (just read this blog and you'll see). And once I'm confident of what I can bring the the world's table, something comes along that makes me question my abilities.

It comes down to a matter of passion. If you have passion in your life, those two universal questions become easy to answer. Without a passion in your life, you're doomed to just blow all your lottery winnings on fake tacky gold chotchkies and live a miserable life hoping for more money to solve your growing problems. It happens all the time to the factory worker in Pahrump who wins the lottery, as well as the corporate executive in Bentonville who works 80-hour weeks behind a desk. I don't want to live like that! I want to live for something more!

So as we are nearing the end of 2010 and I am contemplating my future path and goals for 2011 and beyond, I find myself contemplating the need for passion and am trying to figure out what I am passionate about. Any ideas?

To hang out inside my brain is to hang out in a very noisy place full of contradiction. When I'm seriously thinking about my life, which is often these days, it's a full-blown argument up there. Seriously, I would not be shocked one bit if I were to one day be diagnosed as schizophrenic because I can hold entire conversations with myself, in my head, and have completely opposing viewpoints... from myself.

This weekend I was going over in my head the recent decision to cast safety aside and throw all my effort into a new online business venture with my business partner, Richard. We are starting an online membership site to teach people the art of glamour photography as a hobby and as a noble way to meet people. And yet, as it is with my life these days, as soon as one good opportunity presents itself, another good offer comes right around the corner. I am scheduled for an interview with Technicolor tomorrow for a customer service director position where I would re-locate to Virginia for 6 months before settling permanently in LA. And, no, doing both is not an option - I have to choose between them.

"What an awful predicament to find yourself in," you might be thinking, dear reader. Here I am with no job currently, and yet have two great options to choose from. "Oh the perils of being Sam at this moment in time."

But actually, having options is stressful. My choices will take me in two completely opposite directions. There is A) the safe corporate route which ensures me a steady paycheck that is more than I have ever made in any one place in my life, but will be boring and creatively stifling --- or option B) starts an entirely un-charted venture where unprecedented success or failure is mine to achieve all on my own and nothing is guaranteed  - and the odds are stacked against me.

So as I am pondering the merits of both options in my mind, the argument is posed seemingly from nowhere, "why do you always go for the more difficult route in life, asshole?" (Understand that I have no idea where that argument came from which is why it's entirely possible that I'm clinically crazy - and, yes, my brain calls me names sometimes so there's that I need to figure out with my shrink).

But crazy or not, the depths of my consciousness had a point: why not just go for the safe, easy choice? Do I always need to make my life more difficult?

There is an excellent chance I am being naive here, but there's one thing I know to be certain: nobody ever made it big by playing things safe. Problem with that line of reasoning is that we only hear about the major success stories in life and not the major failures. So, again the question is posed, do I go big or go safe?

I suppose I should count my blessings and recognize that, though I may fail, I owe it to myself and The Universe to at least try this more dangerous venture. Complacency can be an awful and infectious condition that grows throughout a society. Effort and hard work are not always rewarded, but satisfaction can only be gained from the effort. Or as my Dad would more simply put it, "If it were easy they would let women and children do it."

So I guess what I'm saying here is that I'm going to go for that which is difficult and try something big, something hard, something dangerous. I am going to test my wits and creativity and see if I can make something out of nothing. And in 6 to 8 months time I will look back at this blog entry and figure out if I chose correctly or if I should have listened to the argument raging inside my head - even if it does make me out to be a wack-a-doo.

One thing I am not is religious. I find the whole notion of organized religion to be phony and, for the most part, devoid of merit. Some people of faith lead virtuous lives and don't harm or judge others, but they tend to be a rare few compared with the hoards of crazy nut-balls who condem everything they don't understand.

I went to church as a kid and observed a very cliquish environment where you sit and basically watch an interactive stage show with singers, musicians, and a motivational speaker. And half-way through the show they pass around a dish for your cash. Wars have been fought over this silly performance and the belief system it instills. And what's stranger yet, most groups who go to war over religion have  basically the same core belief system, just different celebrities and wardrobe.

So when someone begins rambling on about religion or using religious terms, I tend to tune them out - politely as not to offend, of course. But the other day someone said something that made me take notice.

Your life has been blessed, Sam. You should realize that and had better make something of yourself.

The conversation went on and he backed up what he was trying to say. And it got me thinking:  Was I living a blessed life? Have I been given certain advantages and opportunities others have been denied? Is there a celestial being who favors my outcome in life and has put me on some cosmic VIP list? I mean look, here I am currently not working a regular job and yet I have managed to fend off foreclosure of my expensive and attractive condo (for now). I have fantastic friends and a deep connection with KC who is an incredibly amazing human being to travel through life with. And though I have been dealt my share of challenges and difficulties, they never end up as bad for me as they do for others. Plus I'm potentially on the verge of creating a new professional career for myself that will be wildly successful, all because I happily stumbled upon this crazy millionaire with a philosophy and an idea.

I must consider the possibility that I am blessed when compared with friends who, despite all their efforts and good intentions, never seem to get a break. It's as if they are doomed to suffer and have been mostly un-successful in turning bad fortune around. Andrea comes to mind as someone who does good deeds for others and yet is continually defeated in life. Does her life lack the plentiful blessings that have been bestowed upon me, or does she simply make bad choices?

Knowing how hard I've worked and the adversity I have overcome, it's impossible for me to believe that my good fortune has simply been handed to me. I started out with a core set of strengths that I built knowledge and experience around. I remained adaptable to change and took risks when opportunities presented themselves. Having made bad choices and mistakes, I then took responsibility for them like a man and tried to learn from them.

While I may not believe in organized religion, I do tend to trust The Universe and the balance it strives for. So when someone tries to convince me that my life is "blessed" I understand what they are trying to say but think of it in terms of balanced. But the part I do believe, the part that has me really thinking now, was the second half of my friend's statement when he said, "You... had better make something of yourself."

When fortune, luck, blessings, balance, karma, or just some damn good shit comes your way, I think it is important to try and make the most of it. I had an incredibly inspiring meeting last night with my new business partners in which we discussed, at length, the notion of doing good for others as merely a way of bring joy to yourself. It was suggested, and I believe correctly so, that our society is beginning a fundamental shift in thinking more about simple pleasures and kindness to others, as opposed to object pleasures and selfishness. And we believe we have a noble product that can foster this movement in a small yet successful way. It is now up to me to believe in this cause, this business, and put my faith in it's success while I cast aside the safety of a steady pay check and try to make a difference in my life and the lives of others.

If I have been blessed with fortune and opportunity, and I live in a Universe of balance, I am almost compelled to take this risk and try to make something that is good. And if God, or The Universe, is out there looking after me, then it all should turn out good in the end, right? So I'm not really taking a risk at all - I'm maintaining balance in my life (just not balance in my check book).

When Dorothy crash-landed in the wonderful world of color she quickly demonstrated some good crisis evaluation and planning: she assessed her surroundings, made friends with the locals, learned about available resources, and put together a plan.
She had a goal: get the fuck home.
She had a destination or means: The Wizard.
And she had a clear path to follow: the yellow brick road.

Why in life are we not given such bright, clear, and well-groomed paths to follow on the way to our destinations? Hell, why do so many of us not even have a destination in life to follow a path towards?

I set out a goal for myself a number of months ago; it was a goal to change my life for the better. Alright, I admit, I make a lot of goals and fully commit to about half of them. But that's the point! Either my goals aren't genuine or I easily get distracted along the very long path to reaching them. This blog is littered with examples of me going merrily along my way, skipping along a path to reach one of my goals when.... *Squirrel!*

For the record, my goal is to create a lifestyle for myself. I'm not chasing bright lights or fame, I'm after a better way to live an above-average life where I'm happy, successful, and comfortable. After eleven years in the corporate rat race I've discovered the very opposite path to reaching that goal; and after traveling the wrong way for a number of years, have finally turned myself around. Owning my own company and being my own boss may very well be the "man behind the curtain" that will get me what I want out of life.

But I'm being distracted. Life is distracting me from my shinny yellow path. The looming foreclosure, a lack of reliable income, feelings of inadequacy and doubt have all become these flying monkeys sent to drag me off of my path and into the brush. I'm expending thought, energy, worry, time and resources on these 'things.'

My house is a thing. My TV is a thing. Money is a thing. I live in a world where things are in abundance. And I'm resourceful enough to acquire things when I need them. But these things come and these things go. They are in abundance if you remain creative. It's an annoying fact of life that you deal with acquiring and loosing things all the time, and then you move on. It's when you become distracted and consumed with the unknown that you run the risk of getting stopped, stuck, turned around, or lost.

While things may be in abundance, what is truly scarce in this world are paths to a destination. Everyone seeks a path, a fresh start, a direction, a purpose, a meaning. And when those lucky few people stumble upon a path for their life, it's the 'things' that get in the way and distract them (the money, the kids, the relationships, the house...) Sure these things seem important at the time. Keeping my home from being sold at auction in 20 days is extremely important right now! But how much control, relative to the amount of distraction I'm allowing it to cause my life, do I honestly have in preventing the loss of this thing - my house? I'm no lawyer, I'm no mortgage lender, I'm no business expert. And yet the threat of foreclosure right now is pulling at me in every direction, as if the straw stuffing is literally being pulled right from my head.

You can afford to loose things but you can't afford to loose the path.

Kenyon believes in me and believes I'm on the right path and has told me to stop worrying about the things in my life. Stuff is going to happen to the things, he says, but I can't allow these things to distract me from my path. He said that there are a few people in the world who have the talent and skills to make stuff happen in life - and happen in a big way. He believes I am one of those people.

Proof positive, once again, that it's Kenyon who is the one on this journey with the big brain.... and the big heart!

There is a theme song for this entire weekend and (surprise) it's from a musical.

Again...Step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch...
Again...Step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch...

Now I don't want to be some tired cliché or obvious theater fag here, but the song is from A Chorus Line and it has been the guiding inspirational medley getting me through until Monday.

Turn, turn, out, in, jump, step,
Step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch...

You see, on Thursday I came across the perfect new job.... Creative Director for Atlantis Events Inc.

Five, six, seven, eight!
Turn, turn, touch, down, back, step
(Beat)

Now I know that for anyone out there reading this blog you might be a little confused. "Sam," one might ask, "I thought you had your own business and were never going to go work for anyone else ever again? Aren't you afraid of The Rat Race?" Very valid arguments. But there is a reality of the situation here and that reality is that I need a steady paycheck to be able to pay the bills while I am building this business. And though I haven't lost faith in myself to be an entrepreneur, the house is still legally F'ed and I need to take care of and be planning for my future. Plus I'm tired to defending my choices to my very rich and successful friends at parties.

I really need this job.
Please, God, I need this job.
I've got to get this job.

Working as Creative Director for Atlantis would be absolutely perfect! It is a small gay company with a unique and desired product that is well known and has a perceived high value and high satisfaction rate. The job would be exactly what I would enjoy doing and would be creatively challenging. Plus, if all goes according to my master dream, I would find myself in a situation where I could do both: have the steady job with the freedom to do my work when I wanted and still have time for my clients. Without being too presumptuous, I believe I could do that job and manage my own projects and deadlines while, hopefully, having the freedom to work both in and out of the office while running my freelance business simultaneously. It would be a lot of work but I'm prepared and confident in my abilities

In the musical, each of the characters has a unique life circumstance that they must face while chasing their dream of becoming a Broadway star. They all have worked hard in the past and are working hard still to make their dreams a reality.

My unique life circumstances have prepared me for this opportunity. I have the creativity, experience, drive, and brains to pull off being a top-knotch Creative Directer, successful communications consultant, and savvy stock market investor. And yet, like the kids auditioning for a spot on the chorus line, my life experiences and personality are going to be judged by someone else to see if I have what it takes to make it at this company.

I am not chasing a dream of fame and lights in the big city - I am chasing a lifestyle, one that I believe I am suited for and will thrive at happily for years to come. I may be on the cusp of making it big here. Now is the time to shine.

God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it!