Charging Through Life

So I now I have 10 things I want to really focus on in the new year. But trying to tackle 10 new habits, or having 10 different choices to always half to make all the time is just a recipe for failure! So to make sure I keep to my resolutions, I'm breaking down my 10 for X list; one topic for each month throughout the year. These monthly themes will inspire my efforts so I have one thing to deal with at a time. Brilliant.... I know.

By not overloading myself trying to accomplish everything all at once I'll be able to succeed with steady progression over time and not get frustrated or bored. It allows me the ability to make short term and achievable goals that will keep me motivated for 12 months. And each of the months lessons progressively build upon one another so that the improvements I gain in one month can be capitalized upon as I grow.


January = Routine
What's easy to overlook in any given day/week are those mundane tasks which I hate to do. By adhering to a more disciplined routine, I can maximize the efficiency of my day and have no excuse to avoid the unpleasant. It will be important to schedule in the tasks I don't like to do, like exercise and cleaning, then make certain those tasks are done at the appropriate times.

February = Fitness & Nutrition
I'm stepping up my game in February and fast-tracking my body image goals. A daily time for exercise will have already been put into my regular routine, but in February I want to really maximize my time in the gym. Pick a Beachbody program and really get into it. Also, eating right will be a major focus with a goal being to eliminate soda from my diet. "Fat boy's don't get laid"

March = Finances
It's tax season and I will spend the month dealing with my income-to-debt ratio, my budget, the mortgage, taxes and regular withholdings, while trying to increase my savings for future expenses and building an "oh-fuck!" account. This will also be a good time to figure out how to begin rebuilding my credit.

April = Career
Though I can not directly affect if I get hired or get a promotion, I can put in the effort to finding that great new job or showcasing my work and becoming invaluable wherever I'm at. It's time to figure out once-and-for all what I want to be when I grow up and get myself squarely on a growth path by demonstrating my core competencies. It will also be the time to network with friends and build contacts for new opportunities.

May = Me: Love
It's my birthday month and I can think of no better time to really love me! I'm going to take May and re-connect with all the great things that make's me who I am and love and cherish what I can do well. No negative thoughts for these spring flowers, May is just about Me, what I want, and what is important to me. Building confidence and respect for the great things I do well.

June = Health & Beauty
Now that I have turned 34, June is the time to really address some good anti-aging measures. A daily skin & hair retention routine will have been established and followed already. So this month will be spent on some deeper maintenance. Go in for a facial and skin consultation, get a few things waked, take a whole-foods cooking class, or enjoy a spa day. This month is about turning back the clock a little.

July = Pride
Summer is in full-swing and the gay boys are getting their pride on. I'm taking this month to celebrate being gay and having pride in myself. I'm going to celebrate what I've done in my life and accomplished in the first half of this year. I'm also going to look at how my life and my self-confidence touches and affects other people in my life. It's a chance to meditate and center myself then get out and meet new people.

August = Education/Learning
Part of The New Sam is finding out what other people know. Time to invest in a class on something new and interesting; do a writing workshop, group exercise, study poker or learn to cheat at blackjack. Take an in-depth meditation class, or really get into yoga. Get out and find a group and try something out of the comfort zone.

September = Style
Let's hope that by now all the hard-work I've been putting into the gym is paying off. I may be ready to show it off a little. September is the time to splurge a little and freshen up the wardrobe. Clothes do not make the man, but they do reflect his attitude.

October = Open
I'm giving myself a month here to play catch-up. Re-visit anything I want to do again or that needs more work. Maybe I've made great strides on something one month already and want one month to go even further! This month isn't being pre-planned, but it will have a focus.

November = Home
Take some time to get organized. Throw out any junk or clutter that's accumulated around the house. If you're not using it then you don't need it. And if there's extra cash around, maybe invest in some improvements like new windows (OK that would take a lot of cash), bathroom cabinets, closet doors, or a bar. If there's no extra cash then just scrub the place down and give it a good spit-n-polish along with throwing out the unneeded crap.

December = Reflection & Planning
With 12 months down let's see how I did. Who am I today and what's different from a year ago? What did I learn about myself and get accomplished in only 12 months of focussed effort? What did you not do as well or totally screwup... anything? How will this year be remembered? And, most importantly, what's next?

With the New Year only days away, I wanted to take some time to come up with a few resolutions for the year. I don't typically make New Year's resolutions but I feel like now is a good time to set up some expectations that will guide me throughout the next year. So I sat down and came up with ten resolutions for 2010, my "10 for X" list!

1. Fitness. Add structured exercise into my daily routine at least once a day, working towards being the most fit I can be.
2. Diet/Nutrition. Eat a more balanced diet of natural whole foods which are prepared at home in a more cost effective manor and served in healthier portions.
3. Finances. Be ever-mindful an even more accurate and comprehensive budget which accounts for what can realistically be adhered to across all payment categories, and which includes savings and debt reduction plans.
4. Routine/Schedule. Become more disciplined about maintaining a daily schedule, especially for tasks I don't enjoy or require added discipline, so that daytime activities are maximized.
5. Career. Put fourth the dedication and effort required of my work (or future career), more consistently, regardless of compensation and personal attitude.
6. Connections. Through a daily meditation practice or other centering exercise, become more aware of my surroundings and how I interact in them, as well as how I'm connected to others.
7. Organization. Break old habits in-order to become more disciplined about immediately putting items around the house away properly and doing more with less clutter.
8. Fewer sodas, drinks, drugs. Committing to my health, reduce or eliminate the consumption of soft drinks and reduce alcoholic consumption - especially sugary drinks.
9. Learn/Read. Continue to expand my experiences by exposing myself to the shit that other people know. 
10. Image & pride. Discover, covet, maintain and project the image you wish other's to have of you by gaining a more solid inner-confidence and well-pollished outer shell.

1. Started this blog
2. Began an internal cleansing program for my insides
3. Stopped the occasional/recreational use of damaging drugs for good
4. Got rid of all my credit card debt *poof*
5. Closed all my online gay hook-up accounts
6. Read "The Truth About You: Your Secret To Success" in an attempt to focus my career objectives by defining my personal strengths
7. Read "The Slight Edge" in an attempt to focus my life and realize my goals
8. Took a meditation class
9. Began taking vitamins more regularly again
10. Am trying to take a couple of lunches a week to work from home
11. Organized my closets and freshened up the layout of my living room
12. Committing to program to help prevent hair loss
13. Talked to a boy and went out on an actual date

I was having a little lunch the other day with some of the boys and I was telling them all about Josh & Phillip's holiday party. J&P are my studio exec friends who have this outrageous home just at the base of the Hollywood Hills. Their place, which is pretty much a mansion as far as I'm concerned, has so many rooms that some don't really have a purpose. There is one room with just a piano in it. And the room next to that is apparently a sitting room. And all of their friends who were there (and it was packed) are extremely powerful high-level executives at various studios. They are all attractive, rich, successful, dating, happy, blah blah blah. Basically, everyone at this party is they type of person I want to be.

So I'm at lunch recounting this story to my friends and saying how in awe I was by everyone at this party, when KC's boyfriend, Al, says to me, "the only difference between them and you, Sam, is they have confidence in themselves."

You know, I'm starting to really like this boy KC has found.

It's a funny thing, confidence. If you're blindly un-aware of things greater then yourself, I would imagine it easy to find confidence in those things you are exposed to. My parents, for example, have lived in the same small county in Indiana all their lives and can be relatively confident because their community accurately reflects who they are and what they will achieve in life.

But when you live in a world where you are exposed to the lavish, the famous, the powerful, the beautiful, the glamour that is and can be Los Angeles - but yet you yourself do not possess such a lifestyle - confidence in yourself and what you can achieve can be difficult to find and maintain.

I am confident in my technical abilities. I know computers and computer-aided design extremely well. I am extremely well versed in some of today's top-level programs such as FinalCut, Photoshop, Illustrator, Compressor, etc. And what I don't know I can learn quickly and easily (usually on my own).

I am confident in my creativity and imagination. I can think up funny ideas, communicate my opinions, create attractive and functional environments, and make things pretty.

I am confident in my loyalty. I stand-by and love my friends. I go out-of-my-way to help those I care about. And I dedicate myself to my work when I feel challenged and properly rewarded.

These few attributes for which do I have confidence should speak volumes about me and what I am capable of. And they should translate well into a great new job that has great rewards. But the thing is, while I am confident I can handle any new job that comes my way - I can't prove it.

Oh to half to prove yourself and your self-confidence to others. It's such a phony thing we must do. And the only way to really prove yourself in business is to have a solid track record. And with me now on version 7b of my ever-evolving resume, I am not confident that my past experiences accurately reflect what I'm capable of or want my new career path to be.

I started reading this new book tonight called The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson. It talks mostly about persistence and making small positive choices every day over the small negative choices. Both choice is seemingly insignificant in the moment, but over time the positive choices compound (so too do the negative choices). An example of this can be found in my dinner tonight. I had frozen chicken breasts at home that I could cook - or I had a frozen pizza at Pavillion's I could go buy. The pizza was tasty, BTW - thanks for asking. I am not confident I made the best dinner choice tonight. And I am not confident I have always been consistent with my dedication to, and choices in my career. Those bad career choices are biting me in the ass right now!

However...

I am confident in my ability to change and improve. 

And it all starts with a simple positive choice(s). And it starts now.

Apparently I have no follow-through. Oh, and I'm a bad communicator.... allegedly.

Last week my new "boss" and I had a 'come to Jesus talk.' Oh how I love this woman as a person outside of the office and Oh how I am annoyed with this woman as my "boss" (notice how I keep putting that word in quotes when it refers to her). But the thing about a 'come to Jesus talk' is one person (or sometimes both parties) can take off the bull-shit gloves tell you straight-up what you needed to hear. These occasional talks, which are nothing but pure honesty and directness, can really be helpful even though they certainly damage one's ego.

"When you are 'on your game' your fucking amazing," she told me. "But then when your 'off your game' you're horrible. You've got to maintain some level of consistency and follow-through otherwise people never know if they can rely on you."
*Pow* *Kapluey* right to the ego

I know she's right. When I actually try and put fourth the effort I live up to my expectations and the expectations of those around me. But (and here's my 'come to Jesus' with you, dear blog) when I'm bored, not challenged, or don't really care about something is when it really shows for me. And I have NOT been challenged or cared much about my job for a few months now.

From my vantage point, it all stems from having unfocussed expectations from my superiors, no career growth, and being under compensated for the times when I am "fucking amazing." But, as it has been pointed out to me, those are not reasons enough to simply coast along and not give my very best all the time. This sort of inconsistency displays a certain level immaturity. Ergo, the problems I've faced in advancing my own career actually stem from me not taking the position or the company seriously and always giving my best effort.
*Punch* *Jab* the ego is down

While I don't like her being my new "boss" I am grateful for this direct dose of honesty. It's important to get these little bursts of reality flung in our faces every once in a while. But it's more important to be able to recognize them when they present themselves. Because it is in these moments that you have an opportunity to reflect, learn, and change. So I'm taking the grown-up attitude here by swallowing my pride and paying attention instead of just dismissing everything.

And while we're are having this honest little reflection and reality session, dear blog, I should expand and look at all areas of my life. It's hard to admit but I must say I have difficulty maintaining consistency and follow-through with a lot of things, even outside of work. For example:

• I start a workout program with every intention of completing a 90-day round when something derails me for a couple of weeks (or longer) and I end up giving up on what I have accomplished.
• I tell myself I'm going to eat more healthy meals from home to save money but then get stressed out over something and instead crash on the couch with take-out.
• I've even not been completely dedicated to my meditation practice finding that, some days, it's difficult to find just 20-minutes in the morning and evening to sit alone with my eyes closed.

Much like my life is a work-in-progress, so to is the act of documenting my life. I've never been a fan of my previous blog title, "33 going on 40" but I needed something to get me started. I felt like it creatively captured where I was at that exact moment in my life. You see, I felt as though I was living in my early 30's but going through a mid-life identity crisis; the kind usually reserved for Middle-America white dudes in their 40's. Plus, with the arch of this blog being about my bankruptcy, which takes seven years to get off of your record, it just sorta fit. Well Sorta.

I like the multiple meanings in my new title a lot more. I mean, obviously, there is the easy one: I was charging everything in my life on credit until one day I found myself unable to manage it. But there are a couple other connotations I associate with the title, and they happen to be a little contradictory to one another.

The first is this empowering felling whereby I feel strong, bold, and fearless - able to charge ahead and tackle any problem or obstacle. Much like a soldier on a battle field, I stand my ground for my beliefs and continue to march toward my goals while never leaving any man behind. (Give me Jake Gyllenhaal wearing nothing but camouflage pants and a dog tag, please!)

The other thing I am reminded of when I think about this is to be sure and slow the fuck down! It's important NOT to just run through my life like it's an "Amazing Race" contest. Seriously, I don't get the people on that reality show. Fine it's a contest and a race - whatever. But they always get stopped together at the airport waiting seven hours for the one flight out of the country. That or someone fucks up on a challenge and blows the lead. Seriously, if I ever find myself in Rome or New Zealand on a race around the world I would not just charge ahead to the finish line. I would slow the fuck down and snap a couple of pictures or grab some pasta, you know - see the sites.

So there you have it world. My mistake, my resolve, and my reminder all rolled up into one three-word phrase. Damn I'm good!

Have you every meet anyone who is incapable of lying? It's the coolest thing (and by cool, I mean odd). Take my buddy KC for example. From the outside, the boy just looks to be a little slow; like he's almost there but "there" just isn't.... well "here." Fact is, though, he's just incredibly honest - to the point of being incapable of lying.

Take last week, for example. He and his roommate, Regan, were driving to downtown LA. Regan asked KC to let him know when they got to the downtown area.
"How will I know when we're downtown," KC asked?
"You'll see a bunch of tall buildings," answered Regan.
"These buildings are tall," noted KC.
"We're not in downtown yet!" snapped Regan.

It's his level of honesty that I've always strived for and admired in the boy. He just looks at things and calls them how he sees them.

We are never honest in our daily lives. I mean, come on, when someone asks, "how's your day going," they don't want an honest answer and you don't want to give them one.

We don't tell the truth in our relationships either. I went on a date the other day and the guy told me pretty much his entire life story over the course of the two-hour dinner. Now did I interrupt him and say, "you know, every gay guy's high school coming out story is pretty much the same, and I haven't thought about mine in, like, 10-years. So can we talk about something more current?" No. I listened attentively, laughed appropriately, and offered occasional feedback.

But I think the place where we are most dis-honest is at work. We spend more time with these people then we do our actual friends and family; yet we hardly ever speak our minds or reveal our true self. When coworkers ask how your weekend was, how many of you will tell the story about getting wasted at the club and going down on this hot guy in the bathroom before ditching him to go home and fuck someone else? (OK, extreme example)

When you are passed over for a promotion, do you go in and tell your boss how you're way better qualified for the position, or do you go bitch to your friends or vent your feelings in a blog entry? (is that more universal?)

The reason we are not honest, I mean truly honest, at work is not out of professional decorum - it's out of fear. We fear loosing our job.

I've recently shed that fear. I've come to realize I don't like doing what I'm doing and I'm likely not going to advance far there. So I really have no fear in getting fired because I'm already looking for something else. And if I should get canned prior to finding that something else, well then I'll just half to deal. But here's what I've noticed: I've been saying thing at work lately that I probably shouldn't.

My new "boss" (the chick whom I adore as a person but who is so incredibly un-qualified for her job that it's a crime) has been acting like, well she's been acting like my boss - which I loathe. And I find I've been making snarky comments to her all week long. I'm cute and I say them in a funny way so I can get away with it, but the sentiments are real.

Lately I've been seriously contemplating a new strategy at work whereby I sit my Director and VP down and tell them the truth. The un-biast, no holding back truth - whole truth and nothing but the truth. I would let them know that I'm unhappy, that I could teach an intern to do what I do, and I'm actively looking for a more fufilling employment opportunity and will take it at this company or some other place if I find it.
I'll either get fired or get promoted.

Here are my honest facts that I am thinking about just laying out there on the table:

1. I can not afford to work at this job any more. The money I am brining in from this position does not cover the bills I have going out. Because of this fact I've had to re-structure my financial life to the point of declaring bankruptcy. A person with the skills, talents, and background that I have should not be working for so little. And because of this fact, I am actively seeking to change my income status. I hope to be able to do that here at Beachbody, but the first institution that can provide me with more income and a higher growth potential will win me as their employee.
2. I have been under-utilized at Beachbody now for three years and I am not on an actual career path. When I took this job I was already over-qualified for it but I assumed that, because I was in a small start-up, it would be easy for me to advance with the company. I've grown my position as much as I can and now it's time to break up the tasks I do and incorporate them into other people's job responsibilities. It's silly to pay me for what little I do around here. It would be better for the company to dissolve my position completely and change my career to a producer/content developer.
3. The programming that the VP and Director are producing is crap and I can do better. Plus the website we have is crap and I can do better. The shows we are airing online now are horrible! Nobody is watching them and people are not willing to pay $40 a quarter to be part of a crappy website which is why TeamBeachbody.com has such a high cancelation rate. People don't pay anything to go to a website. Online revenue is generated by advertising! I can change the entire dynamic of the business by streamlining content creation which may reduce overhead, introducing ad revenue streams, and improving the overall user experience. But I'm not doing any of that without more cash, a better title, and support for my decisions. And, no, I'm not first going to prove to you that I can do the job before you promote me.