Charging Through Life

Apparently I have no follow-through. Oh, and I'm a bad communicator.... allegedly.

Last week my new "boss" and I had a 'come to Jesus talk.' Oh how I love this woman as a person outside of the office and Oh how I am annoyed with this woman as my "boss" (notice how I keep putting that word in quotes when it refers to her). But the thing about a 'come to Jesus talk' is one person (or sometimes both parties) can take off the bull-shit gloves tell you straight-up what you needed to hear. These occasional talks, which are nothing but pure honesty and directness, can really be helpful even though they certainly damage one's ego.

"When you are 'on your game' your fucking amazing," she told me. "But then when your 'off your game' you're horrible. You've got to maintain some level of consistency and follow-through otherwise people never know if they can rely on you."
*Pow* *Kapluey* right to the ego

I know she's right. When I actually try and put fourth the effort I live up to my expectations and the expectations of those around me. But (and here's my 'come to Jesus' with you, dear blog) when I'm bored, not challenged, or don't really care about something is when it really shows for me. And I have NOT been challenged or cared much about my job for a few months now.

From my vantage point, it all stems from having unfocussed expectations from my superiors, no career growth, and being under compensated for the times when I am "fucking amazing." But, as it has been pointed out to me, those are not reasons enough to simply coast along and not give my very best all the time. This sort of inconsistency displays a certain level immaturity. Ergo, the problems I've faced in advancing my own career actually stem from me not taking the position or the company seriously and always giving my best effort.
*Punch* *Jab* the ego is down

While I don't like her being my new "boss" I am grateful for this direct dose of honesty. It's important to get these little bursts of reality flung in our faces every once in a while. But it's more important to be able to recognize them when they present themselves. Because it is in these moments that you have an opportunity to reflect, learn, and change. So I'm taking the grown-up attitude here by swallowing my pride and paying attention instead of just dismissing everything.

And while we're are having this honest little reflection and reality session, dear blog, I should expand and look at all areas of my life. It's hard to admit but I must say I have difficulty maintaining consistency and follow-through with a lot of things, even outside of work. For example:

• I start a workout program with every intention of completing a 90-day round when something derails me for a couple of weeks (or longer) and I end up giving up on what I have accomplished.
• I tell myself I'm going to eat more healthy meals from home to save money but then get stressed out over something and instead crash on the couch with take-out.
• I've even not been completely dedicated to my meditation practice finding that, some days, it's difficult to find just 20-minutes in the morning and evening to sit alone with my eyes closed.

Much like my life is a work-in-progress, so to is the act of documenting my life. I've never been a fan of my previous blog title, "33 going on 40" but I needed something to get me started. I felt like it creatively captured where I was at that exact moment in my life. You see, I felt as though I was living in my early 30's but going through a mid-life identity crisis; the kind usually reserved for Middle-America white dudes in their 40's. Plus, with the arch of this blog being about my bankruptcy, which takes seven years to get off of your record, it just sorta fit. Well Sorta.

I like the multiple meanings in my new title a lot more. I mean, obviously, there is the easy one: I was charging everything in my life on credit until one day I found myself unable to manage it. But there are a couple other connotations I associate with the title, and they happen to be a little contradictory to one another.

The first is this empowering felling whereby I feel strong, bold, and fearless - able to charge ahead and tackle any problem or obstacle. Much like a soldier on a battle field, I stand my ground for my beliefs and continue to march toward my goals while never leaving any man behind. (Give me Jake Gyllenhaal wearing nothing but camouflage pants and a dog tag, please!)

The other thing I am reminded of when I think about this is to be sure and slow the fuck down! It's important NOT to just run through my life like it's an "Amazing Race" contest. Seriously, I don't get the people on that reality show. Fine it's a contest and a race - whatever. But they always get stopped together at the airport waiting seven hours for the one flight out of the country. That or someone fucks up on a challenge and blows the lead. Seriously, if I ever find myself in Rome or New Zealand on a race around the world I would not just charge ahead to the finish line. I would slow the fuck down and snap a couple of pictures or grab some pasta, you know - see the sites.

So there you have it world. My mistake, my resolve, and my reminder all rolled up into one three-word phrase. Damn I'm good!

Have you every meet anyone who is incapable of lying? It's the coolest thing (and by cool, I mean odd). Take my buddy KC for example. From the outside, the boy just looks to be a little slow; like he's almost there but "there" just isn't.... well "here." Fact is, though, he's just incredibly honest - to the point of being incapable of lying.

Take last week, for example. He and his roommate, Regan, were driving to downtown LA. Regan asked KC to let him know when they got to the downtown area.
"How will I know when we're downtown," KC asked?
"You'll see a bunch of tall buildings," answered Regan.
"These buildings are tall," noted KC.
"We're not in downtown yet!" snapped Regan.

It's his level of honesty that I've always strived for and admired in the boy. He just looks at things and calls them how he sees them.

We are never honest in our daily lives. I mean, come on, when someone asks, "how's your day going," they don't want an honest answer and you don't want to give them one.

We don't tell the truth in our relationships either. I went on a date the other day and the guy told me pretty much his entire life story over the course of the two-hour dinner. Now did I interrupt him and say, "you know, every gay guy's high school coming out story is pretty much the same, and I haven't thought about mine in, like, 10-years. So can we talk about something more current?" No. I listened attentively, laughed appropriately, and offered occasional feedback.

But I think the place where we are most dis-honest is at work. We spend more time with these people then we do our actual friends and family; yet we hardly ever speak our minds or reveal our true self. When coworkers ask how your weekend was, how many of you will tell the story about getting wasted at the club and going down on this hot guy in the bathroom before ditching him to go home and fuck someone else? (OK, extreme example)

When you are passed over for a promotion, do you go in and tell your boss how you're way better qualified for the position, or do you go bitch to your friends or vent your feelings in a blog entry? (is that more universal?)

The reason we are not honest, I mean truly honest, at work is not out of professional decorum - it's out of fear. We fear loosing our job.

I've recently shed that fear. I've come to realize I don't like doing what I'm doing and I'm likely not going to advance far there. So I really have no fear in getting fired because I'm already looking for something else. And if I should get canned prior to finding that something else, well then I'll just half to deal. But here's what I've noticed: I've been saying thing at work lately that I probably shouldn't.

My new "boss" (the chick whom I adore as a person but who is so incredibly un-qualified for her job that it's a crime) has been acting like, well she's been acting like my boss - which I loathe. And I find I've been making snarky comments to her all week long. I'm cute and I say them in a funny way so I can get away with it, but the sentiments are real.

Lately I've been seriously contemplating a new strategy at work whereby I sit my Director and VP down and tell them the truth. The un-biast, no holding back truth - whole truth and nothing but the truth. I would let them know that I'm unhappy, that I could teach an intern to do what I do, and I'm actively looking for a more fufilling employment opportunity and will take it at this company or some other place if I find it.
I'll either get fired or get promoted.

Here are my honest facts that I am thinking about just laying out there on the table:

1. I can not afford to work at this job any more. The money I am brining in from this position does not cover the bills I have going out. Because of this fact I've had to re-structure my financial life to the point of declaring bankruptcy. A person with the skills, talents, and background that I have should not be working for so little. And because of this fact, I am actively seeking to change my income status. I hope to be able to do that here at Beachbody, but the first institution that can provide me with more income and a higher growth potential will win me as their employee.
2. I have been under-utilized at Beachbody now for three years and I am not on an actual career path. When I took this job I was already over-qualified for it but I assumed that, because I was in a small start-up, it would be easy for me to advance with the company. I've grown my position as much as I can and now it's time to break up the tasks I do and incorporate them into other people's job responsibilities. It's silly to pay me for what little I do around here. It would be better for the company to dissolve my position completely and change my career to a producer/content developer.
3. The programming that the VP and Director are producing is crap and I can do better. Plus the website we have is crap and I can do better. The shows we are airing online now are horrible! Nobody is watching them and people are not willing to pay $40 a quarter to be part of a crappy website which is why TeamBeachbody.com has such a high cancelation rate. People don't pay anything to go to a website. Online revenue is generated by advertising! I can change the entire dynamic of the business by streamlining content creation which may reduce overhead, introducing ad revenue streams, and improving the overall user experience. But I'm not doing any of that without more cash, a better title, and support for my decisions. And, no, I'm not first going to prove to you that I can do the job before you promote me.

If you've ever worked in marketing, especially multi-level marketing, you know that they often use really cheesy catch-phrases to motivate the sales force. And the Execs. at these places always have those 'inspirational' framed posters in their office with generic skylines accompanied by motivation words like "Perseverance" or "Achievement." Well at Team Beachbody we are no different (or no better, however you look at it).

Earlier this year for our annual summit, we asked the question, "What's your Why?" as in, "What motivates you to be a Team Beachbody Independent Sales Rep (a Coach)? The question was asked to each of the staff employees as well. Our answers were posted at our desks. You would not believe the bullshit answers people were coming up with. Crap like, "My dream is to impact the world and help people achieve their health and fitness goals." Be honest people, you should have just wrote, "I know the CEO is going to read this so I'm going to stay what I think he want's to hear."

I had many smart-ass answers to the question "Why." Answers like "I come to work because the mortgage doesn't pay itself." They didn't like that one.
After a couple of failed submissions both parties agreed on the less douchebaggery, "I want to live credit card free." This was a true statement; I DID want to live credit card free. I just wanted to be paid a salary which would leave me enough extra to pay down the cards instead of opting for bankruptcy. Guess it doesn't matter how you get there, hu?

Problem now is, I have no more Why - no reason to stay here at Beachbody. I mean, yea, they are still giving me money, not nearly enough of course. But that's all I seem to be getting out of this place. I still have yet to find an actual career here, and I've yet to see any growth with my position. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Earlier last week I was informed that I now report to the Director of Production instead of the VP of Production. It's an attempt to create a more flat-level reporting structure. What you need to understand here, dear reader, is that I've always reported to a VP. And the Director of Production, funny and sweet gal that she is, doesn't know fuck shit about being a Director of Production. And she knows even less about what I do for the company. This is her first real job (she's an 40y/o actor so she's kinda' green to "the corporate life").

Then a glimmer of hope was once again dangled in front of my face; a Development Producer role may be created and I might be a good fit for it, according to the VP. I followed up with an enthusiastic email outlining why I would be a great fit for that position, how my strengths would play well in the position, and suggested some next steps we should take to move forward. My attempt was simply blown off and a pitch meeting was held earlier today without me. Message received.

By now you're probably thinking that today's blog entry is just a way for me to bitch more about my job and complain about how I'm being treated at my work. Not so!.... (OK, maybe just a little.)

What I came to realize is that I no longer have any motivation to excel at this company. And what's worse, I no longer see any hope for advancement. I've tried to come up with new reasons to stay and new options for growth but somehow they just haven't come to pass. Every time I approach a new job opportunity I am derailed with some lame excuse. And, quite frankly, I'm not invested enough to keep trying over-and-over.

I realize that Beachbody has become a psychological crutch for me. Being that we are in the largest opportunistic and capitalist society in the world during a recession that has seen unusually high unemployment rates, simply having a job can often seem like more than it really is. People tell me all the time that I'm lucky to even have a job. They say it's tough out there and I should stay put and not rock-the-boat. But that type of attitude never advanced anyone's career or soul.

Life is full of risk and rewards. You never get the latter without assuming the former. Being the logical one I am, I have never been one to assume much risk. I will do calculated risks, but rarely will engage in the "throw caution to the wind" risk. However, THIS is the time for such a plan. No other moment will ever come again in my life  to make a truly significant change. I've got no major responsibilities which means I have much less to loose. So I half to ask myself, "WHY NOT?"

My meditation class ended three days ago and I'm happy to report that my practice is still going well. The purpose of meditating is to experience a deep level of consciousness in-order to connect with the moment. This allows your body to release stresses it has been carrying around and to become aware of your environment and the moment. And so far I think it's working. Before meditation I am usually anxious with a million +2 things running around in my head. Meditating calms me down and allows me to toss out the crap I don't need and can't really achieve today anyway, while prioritizing the items I can achieve.

But then I come back to the real world with all it's stimulants, pressures, and envy's. Blah - Stupid real world!

Over the past few years, and even more-so over the past few months, I've known my life is off-track. And my creative, hyper little mind is eager to offer quick-fix solutions it thinks my soul is so desperately searching for. It's as if my mind and soul are a couple of friends having coffee. My kind and helpful little mind, who has good intentions, is really like the friend who want's to fix your problems quickly so you'll shut-up about them and the two of you can get back to gossiping about trashy celebrities again. My little mind would say to my soul,

• "You need a boyfriend"
• "You need to workout"
• "You need to go work for a studio"
• "You need a new set of friends"
• "You need to move out of LA"
• "You need to read more books"
• "You need to learn new skills"
• "You need You need You need You need"

This is a joke right? If you remember yesterday in my blog I was going on and on about how I had tried to anticipate what my meditation discussion would be like. And I predicted it would be me and the instructor alone in a room because, "how many people could really be interested in learning meditation"? Well today, the first day of actual lessons, it was me and the instructor in a room by ourselves meditating. Oh how humorous the universe is.

And, if you will recall, I had to bring fruit and flowers for a ceremonial offering. Well I made the offering and there was a ceremony. Come on, where are the cameras at?

Then I got my special word, my mantra. Each person gets his/her own mantra. Mine is Shrim. The first few times I said it I said shrimp. Again, the universe is poking fun at me.

Blah blah blah I'm meditating and relaxing. My mind is trying to take things seriously but every so often it chimes in over the repetitious "Shrim" to ask in a sarcastic tone, "you just paid $750 to sit on a couch in silence? You can do that at home for free!" Shrim Shrim Shrim Shrim Shrim

Blah blah blah I'm meditating and actually do find myself really relaxing. I'm finally able to quiet my mind and I'm able to tune out the noise of the city and focus on the sound of the fountain outside and feel the cool breeze coming in through the window. It's nice. Not $750 nice - but nice.

So at the end the instructor asks if I have any questions. In my most politically correct and non-condocenting manor I inquire, through this experience, "where am I suppose to be going and how will I now when I'm there?" This made Will, my instructor, laugh. "I want to jump to the end of the book and see how it ends," I admit to him.

"Wherever you are is where you are suppose to be," the instructor explains in his soft Australian accent. Which make the second part of my question irrelevant because I'm never suppose to be anywhere other than where I am.

No, really - I'm being Punked right now.

But I suppose you half to wonder if there's something to that. Not being a religious person in the lest bit, the only piece of philosophy I've ever believed in is that the World gives each and every one of us challenges to overcome - lessons we must learn. When we learn something we move onto the next stage of life and are presented with new challenges. It's as if life is one giant relay game in Survivor. Will's answer to my question would seem to go along with that philosophy.

Sure we want more in life and we aspire to be greater than what we are. But where we are in any given moment is exactly where we are suppose to be. Just because we don't understand or enjoy the situations we find ourselves in doesn't mean we're not suppose to be in them in order to learn something or improve something around us.

So I guess I could say "woes me, I'm in a difficult place in life" but I don't believe that is quite accurate. I was in a difficult place. But I'm learning to take decisive action for myself to improve my well being. That's the lesson I'm learning.


The Universe is laughing hysterically at this shit, right now.

I do this thing where I try to predict the outcome of any given situation I'm going to be in. For example, if I know I half to discuss something uncomfortable with a friend or colleague, I rehearse the conversation in my head before-hand to get comfortable with it. Being a creative Gemini, my brain is all-to-happy to play along and often surprises me with reactions or conversations I didn't expect. Talking to one's self doesn't make him crazy, does it?