Sunday, August 30, 2009
Do desperate times call for being desperate?
(this entry will probably not end up making any since)
The other day I casually mentioned to Randy that I had started a blog to get out some of my frustrations and to be able to look back on my progress. To which he asked, "is it a tail of woe like your recent Facebook postings have been?"
Homo Say What?
Apparently some friends had expressed concern to Randy about a couple of my recent Facebook updates sounding "desperate." Now to be fair, one entry was done while I was drunk (though you can argue that you are at your most honest when you're sloshed) and the other truly was when I was feeling desperate. It's just I didn't realize I was coming off as "desperate" to others.
So fast-forward to today as I am on the couch with hot wings, a 2-liter, and pizza (it all sounded better than it turned out to be) recovering from a tawdry weekend of unplanned debauchery. As I sit here watching Sex and the City I'm running a postmortem of the weekend in my head trying to figure out how it all got derailed. I have to wonder if my all-night sexcapade was a desperate act. Desperate for love, desperate for attention, desperate to see a large cock. (I am desperate to maintain a theme for this entry).
OK, to keep this entry moving along I just did what I learned in Journalism school to never do and I looked up the meaning in the dictionary. Forgive me.
des•per•ate adjetive 1) having lost hope -- well I can stop right there
I'm going to state now, with almost relative confidence, that I've never been without hope. Sure 2009 will be marked in Sam's History as "The Year Shit Happened," and it's true that there were a few weeks or months there where I really didn't see much hope left in my financial situation. But to suggest that through all this I "have lost hope" is not a definition I can agree with.
But having hope alone might not be the opposite of being desperate.
Clearly, the "action" I took this weekend to get myself in the naked presence of other men(s) was the wrong action and I know better. Yet I've been making that same mistake for a while now. Much like the whole credit card thing; I know something is wrong, I continue to have hope for my future, but yet I keep turning right at Albuquerque when Bugs Bunny and I both know I should have turned left. This repeating pattern of bad actions isn't helping my cause and must change.
The random, shallow internet hook-ups are not healthy, and they sound better then they turn out to be (much like Papa Johns). And I don't yet feel confident enough to try my hand at the dating pool. I mean, I'd like to feel as though I have something to offer other than self-absorbed problems. So how does a horny 33/yo queer boy living in the heart of gayville maintain a healthy and socially-acceptable sex life?
When it comes to getting my rocks off, I must try and not turn into someone who is desperate for dick. It's an unattractive quality that is counter-productive to my ultimate goal of finding a boyfriend.
Change to better my life has already been set into motion. It is up to me to keep the momentum going. So in the category of sex I must remember my goals and what I want to accomplish and make better choices. I HOPE therefore I'm not DESPERATE, hopefully.
(this entry made absolutely no since)
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Monday, August 24, 2009
Getting the the Valley was the hardest part
Today was the BIG day. I meet with my new bankruptcy attorney for the first time. You know what it's like going on a blind date? You have no idea what you're getting yourself into and, for neurotic people like me, you assume the worse. Plus, I was raised with a healthy dose of skepticism from birth, so I imagined a shady office building with a fat old guy wearing a bad toup out to take a scarred little boy who's at his last resort and bleed him dry of whatever money is left.
Imagine my surprise when I arrived to a professional office building with multiple tenants, a well appointed office with a receptionist, and a seasoned professional lawyer who took the time to explain the procedures and acted as though the whole thing would be a cake-walk and at the end, all my troubles would be gone.
Halelua, Praise Jesus.
I also want to point out an important lesson here. Never listen to your friends. Everyone I spoke with told me horror stories about going through bankruptcy and, with tougher new laws enacted under Bush, they weren't just handing out bankruptcies any more. That's quite not true. So what did we learn? Ask the experts - not your friends.
So I have a full week ahead of me getting things ready because my new lawyer friend will have my paperwork ready to file by the end of the week. Talk about fast! I've got to take a pre-bankruptcy course online, get my '08 taxes from my accountant and forward to the lawyer, and find $2,000 lying around to pay all the legal and filing fees. Then we'll set a court date, I'll appear and talk to a dude or dudette for less-than 2 minutes, and they will process my discharge papers. Whala!
And, this guy's office is like almost all digital. He said everything we'll need to do between us before the court appearance will be done over email. I'm telling you, the hardest part about this was to, first, decide that this was the course of action I HAD to take, and two driving to the Valley to meet my new lawyer friend (I forgot the 405 sucks).
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Life's not fair
The other day I was catching up with my friend Matt over drinks. He was telling the stories of all that had happened in his life over the past few weeks. See, his 5-year-old BMW had been stolen and he got pulled over and ticketed for talking on his cell phone while driving (allegedly). These are two dramatic events, yes. But let's put them in context. His car was stolen from the custocy of the dealership where it was getting serviced. They sold him a new car at cost, which his insurance picked up most of the tab -- a really sweet deal! And he was ticketed for a minor offense, of which he did not commit and will successfully fight.
But as I was listening to his tails of woe, Matt was saying how he had had enough and just lost it one afternoon and began crying over the phone to our friend about all his bad miss-fortunes. Hs was asking, "why is life so un-fair?"
It was at that moment in the story that I wanted to reach across the couch and slap him upside the head.
Let's be real: his well-insured BMW got stolen from the dealership's lot and he got a $25 traffic ticket that can easily be fought. And he's sitting there saying hat his big "a-ha" moment whas when he realized that, "life is not fair?"
Fag, please. I've got this competition won. Try having the person you love separate from you just after you've learned that your HIV+, during a time in your life where you don't know what is going to happen next with your career or your housing. Then fast-forward a few years when you've over-extended your good credit score and haven't gotten a decent raise in a number of years because you don't know what it is exactly that that you do in life. Your career isn't any where near where you expect it to be (based on the successes of your friends around you, whom you use as barometers). And, besides being completely broke, your alone and sad in the world each night. I mean, really..... When Matt said it was then he realized that, "life isn't fair," I almost lost it. It was all I could do to not tear him a new one. HIS life has been pretty damn plucky, comparatively.
However, in his narrow-minded view, the boy is right. Life is NOT fair. It has always been my belief that life gives you the challenges you need to grow & evolve in order to move onto the next stage. It is those whom succeed in overcoming the obstacles placed before them and learn the lessons required of them who advance forward to face the next challenge in life (think Nintendo's Mario Brothers).
Apparently the challenges in life to advance are greater than Matt's. Does that mean he is luckier than me? No. I think it means that my soul is more evolved (and by "evolved" I mean older) than his and requires more difficult challenges in order to grow. And if I'm wrong.... then life is REALLY not fair.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
I don't know what I want to be when I grow up
The other day on a TV show, the character hit her low point. I mean she was stripped of everything and was at rock-bottom. And she knew it. Someone near the character said to her, "don't you think this is a good time make a clean start? What is it that you want to do but could never before do." (editorial note: I shouldn't have quoted that because I don't know that it was the quote. Journalistic ethics be damned)
Clearly at my own rock-bottom, or hovering nearly there, I half to ask myself what is it that I truly want to do with my life?
I took a weekend and did some brainstorming exercises on the subject a while ago. Here is what I found...
What makes me happy:
- creative challenging projects
- being included in the decision making process
- special projects -- non routine or repetitive projects
- Live events and Production = manageable pressure
- regarded as a resource who will deliver
What I don't like:
- kayos for kayos sake
- spelling
- cheap design
- stupid rules and mundane procedures
So what job is this? I know I'm good at coming up with ideas and starting projects but I'm bad at completing them and handling the details. I can train and motivate others to do the job I want done and help them succeed. I've always been that person - the one backstage making sure the people on-stage are successful, well lit or marketed for. Sales doesn't interest me, really, and I'm not interested in doing something not interesting. I've got to be creative and engaged.
I live in Los Angeles, in the heart of entertainment and entertainment sales. I can't think of anything I want to do - or at least that I want to do where I know how to start. Actually, that's it - I don't know how to start.
It's not what you know it's who you know. Who do I know?
Making other people rich
Last night I had drinks with Randy and Matt. I have a lot of successful friends but I don't always recognize just how successful they are. You see, Randy is an electronics distribution executive servicing all the major .com's and is responsible for clearing millions of dollars of inventory. Matt is an executive at Disney over the Baby Einstein line, a perpetual money maker because women keep having babies and keep thinking they can make them brilliant at 6months.
I found out last night that Randy has an annual base salary of $100,000 (for those of you keeping score, that's twice what I make). But because he's in sales he can bring in $15-25,000 a month in bonuses alone. FUCK!
Matt, doesn't have the bonus thing in his favor but is making something like $112,000 annually with yearly corporate bonuses of let's say $17,000.
Randy has said to me that he feels I resent him in our friendship because of the kind of money he makes right now compared to me and what it allows him to do. Don't get me wrong, there's something there but I don't resent him. In fact I don't believe what he's sensing has anything really to do with him. I'm using Randy and Matt as a guide post for my own life. What they do I should be able to do. So why am I not making better money in my career? This is what is so frustrating.
I know I'm smart, I know I'm talented, I know I'm well liked and creative. What is it that I'm not getting in this whole career thing?
I think it has to do with money. Not my money - other people's money. See, Randy and Matt are both responsible for making other people money. For that responsibility they are paid very well by people who have more money than I can even imagine. I'm responsible for distributing content - content that is not a direct money maker. I too work for someone who is un-Godly rich and successful but I don't do anything that makes him money. So it doesn't matter how good I am at what I do. It doesn't matter how great I think I am or how well I improve things for the company. Until I'm in a position where I'm making someone else a lot of money I'm not going to be making a lot of money. The funny thing is... if I were out making someone else rich this blog entry would be all about why am I making other people rich and not myself. But that's for a later blog.
I don't know what I know about money, really. Other than I have none and could really use some. I'm not sure there's much I could do to make someone else a lot of money that would in turn make me some cash and be a rewarding and fun job. Dad says, "find something you enjoy doing and then find a way to make money at it." Is that short sided? Shouldn't it be, "Find something you enjoy doing and then find a way to make someone else rich at it"? Well, now that's just depressing.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Good morning. Your stressed.
The past two days I've woken up stressed out. Stressed out over money, or the lack there of. Yesterday I woke up to the thought that I was hungry, wanted to stop at Starbucks but wasn't sure how much money I had left between my bill and cash account. As it turned out I had just over $80 split between the two so I took out a $20 to get me through the day.
Today I awoke knowing that I had gotten paid. Eager to have the confidence once again of a full bank account I opened my statement to find $1,484 in my bills account. Take out almost $600 for bills, write a check for Randy and Jamie, then estimate the insurance that will come out automatically, cancel the automatic payment for the Discover card and I have ($53.78) to pay the down payment on the bankruptcy I'm going to file for.
Clearly I am not making enough at Beachbody.
My meeting with the VP of Online has been pushed back a week to next Wednesday. Meanwhile I'm still giving away my services for pennies on the dollar. I'm re-engineering the video experience in the Coach Office again. It's terribly difficult and far above my pay grade. Oh, and that's on-top of being a video editor, post manager, distribution manager, negotiating deals with Brightcove, and forward-thinking about viral distribution.
I have taken great comfort, lately, in this new idea of bankruptcy. I've accept it as my future and am looking forward to this weight being lifted off of me. But I couldn't help but wonder if once all the cards are gone if I'll still be able to get by with my weekly checks or if I'll spiral back into despair.
I have got to start bringing home more cash.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Life Today (aka: the pity entry)
As I start this 7-year journey I'm going to need to document where I am at the start of it. I've already given a financial snapshot but this 'personal financial restructuring' is more than about numbers. It's going to be about emotions and attitudes. It's an attempt to force my life to conform to what I expect or would hope it should be. I guess I could call this journey my 'personal restructuring' and X the financial part, but whatever.
I'm writing this outside near the pool on a Sunday afternoon. I've spent the entire weekend inside watching movies so getting outside as far as my WiFi will allow is a nice change. Last weekend was nearly the same for me. Why am I being so reclusive? Because I have $50 to last me until Thursday - haven't you been paying attention?
There is very little I can think of to do outside the safety of Larraby Spa that doesn't involve cash.
I haven't been hanging out with my friends as much as I probably should. I know, we all have our own problems right now: Brian is looking for a real job, Drew doesn't know how to save money, Regan is an alcoholic, Bruce is depressed, Randy has anger management issues, KC may be OK - he is in a new relationship with Al - but I don't know for certain. But even still, finances are my area of self-pride. Admitting that I'm struggling is hard to do.
For example, on Wednesday we all meet up for dinner before TV night. The check came and we were like $80 short. Nobody was saying anything and I just said, "but the rest on my card." Bless his heart, Brian said, "you can't afford to be doing that right now." It was sweet even though the truth sucks.
And don't even get me started on the boyfriend subject. Man, I have not felt worthy of a relationship for so long now. For the longest time TimTom was interested in me but my fear of opening up and dealing with a serodiscordant relationship drove me to ruin that prospect. Now Jason at work is clearly interested in me but neither he nor I will make a first move. I know why I won't: damaged goods - I'm broke and +. Plus he's like 8% body fat compared to my 13%.
One could say that I am the poorest I have ever been in my life. No money, no savings, a job but no career or growth, no boyfriend, and friends that I'm not exactly turning to. Is this my rock bottom? I mean, it must be - I've already come to accept that I'm at "the last option" and will be seeing a bankruptcy attorney. This must be the point where I realize other things must change too.
So here I am on an outstandingly beautiful 80° Sunday afternoon in August -- hiding and sad.
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