Charging Through Life

I was at the gym on the treadmill today pushing further than I ever have pushed before - and that was after having done a round on the elliptical. For me, it was pretty incredible.

What was getting me so amped and pushing me beyond what I would normally do, cardio wise, was one of Casey Alva's remix sets and the song, "Incredible" by The Shapeshifters. It was moving through me something fierce and it was helping to push my fat ass further than I normally would have on that damn treadmill.

Had enough of the same old time.
My senses they need reviving.
Giving up on just getting by.
It's time for a brand new feeling.

And I thought how Incredible it is that I don't half to go back to Beachbody anymore! I was not learning, or growing or being challenged there. The job was stifling my career and it was effecting my life and my emotions. Plus, as we damn well know, they weren't paying me very much and I am tired of not having the funds to do what I want to do with my friends and with my life.

We all need comfort when times are hard.
Come on and hide away. There's no pretense here.
Don't need a thing, leave your credit card.
Put it all behind.
Had enough of the same old vibe.
All our senses they need reviving.
Give it up, we're on borrowed time.
Make way for a brand new feeling.

And I thought, wouldn't it be wonderful if I made the decision not to go into panic mode over having just been fired? Wouldn't it be great to just take some time for myself? What if I were to let go of the notion that I had to be working at a job right now and instead decided to work on myself for a while? Wouldn't that be Incredible?

I've been in this situation before: out of work, responsibilities and bills looming, the pressure to succeed and not fail out here on my own weighs upon my pride. And in those times I do the same thing -- I bust my ass looking for the next job. But really, that next job has always just been a little bit of money to satisfy those responsibilities. What if this time, I looked for something that I really loved and didn't settle on the first thing that came my way? A job I love to go to every day - that would be Incredible.

In the past when I've been without work, I've gone into this shut-down mode where I hoard cash and stay cooped up at home in order to save what little money I might have. What if this time I relax and trust my wits and The Universe by believing that money will come back into my life when I need it? What if I allowed myself to (responsibly) try some new things and have some new experiences away from the familiar? I could hire a trainer who would help push me at the gym and who really knows how to target my problem areas. I could hire a Life Coach and we could discuss my past mistakes while really exploring where I should be in the next stage of my career. I could take a cooking class and learn to cook with more fresh vegetables. I could spend a little money fixing up my house and making it a better place than it is. I could maybe travel a bit on my own and see another part of the country - that would be Incredible.

Somewhere along my life, I got it into my head that a Man's life consists of getting up, going to the office, working, coming home, and repeating. What if I took some time to discover a new routine? I could find time to practice daily meditation and even go to weekly meditation groups. I could give back to my community while finding satisfaction through volunteering. I could organically discover new interests and new things, thereby shaping me into a more rounded and interesting person - fuck, that would be Incredible.

I was raised to believe that I always had to be going to a job every single day. So when I've found myself without work before, I make job hunting priority #1 and I raced to land something fast. What if this time I put me first and work second? What if I decided that it's OK to be without a job for the next three months or so? I would, of course, look every day and make job hunting an important part of my daily routine because you never know when a great opportunity will present itself and you half to be prepared to recognize it. But I would also take the time to re-define who I am. I've always defined myself by what I do. Finding an answer to the typical first-date question, "what do you enjoy - what are your interests," would be Incredible.

Make way for a brand new feeling.

They say you should be "careful for what you ask for." Guess I didn't listen to that advice this week.

Let the record show that I was, today, terminated from my employment at Beachbody.

The reason they gave me for this forced departure was due to, "repeated insubordination towards my superiors." Well now there's a first for me. Have you ever known me not to be helpful or not try and prove that I can do something, or solve a problem placed before me? I mean, really?

Indulge me for a moment and allow me to recount, from my perspective, the incident that "broke the camel's back" if you will:

Earlier today I was asked to change the layout of one of the video players I manage. I was asked to re-position a headline, to which I said, "that level of customization is not possible with this particular player."

I was asked, "are you sure."

"I'm 83% sure, yea." (OK, I may be a wise-ass, but can little jokes like that really get a person fired?)

I was then told, in an equally wise-ass manor, to go check the other 17% that I wasn't sure of and come back with a definitive answer one way or the other. And, oh by the way, "we need your answer in the next 20 minutes." Everyone, no matter who you are, always has a boss who has unreasonable expectations.

I then simply said that, "I can't research this and provide a 100% definitive answer in the next 20 minutes. If you need an answer that quickly, the answer is going to half to be 'no'."

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you ---- insubordination.

Now they claim that this is but one of many examples which lead to today's exit interview. They claim that there is a file an inch thick with reports of me being uncooperative and having a negative attitude. A few examples were trotted out as evidence, but I easily rebuffed them beyond a reasonable argument. The thing is, though, when you find yourself in a situation like I was today, you're no longer fighting for your job anymore. The decision to let me go had been made - the only option I had at that point was to depart gracefully.
And boy did I ever! (pat on the back, thank you very much)

So what is to be learned from this experience? Where did I go wrong with my Beachbody employment?

Well, for starters, I didn't ask for enough money at the beginning of my employment 3 years ago. I thought I could earn salary increases by doing a fantastic job at something that was going to easily be a cake walk for me. Now I see the error of that thought process, though it's not something to be dwelled upon today.

I actually gave up on this job a while ago. Really, I just stopped caring about it. I was doing a job for which I am vastly overqualified and unbelievably under compensated for. I'm nearly 34, for God sake, and was posting videos to the web like a damn YouTube account. Come on - I should be doing way more at this point in my career. It was clear to me, by this point, that I had no real chance of advancement at this company; despite my V.P.'s claims she was trying ever so hard to advance my career and that she was my "biggest advocate." As they say, actions speak louder than words. But that doesn't matter - people will say the things that paint themselves in the best light (hello, blog).

But where I could have really improved my career at Beachbody, and possibly have advanced successfully through these years, was by saying, "Yes" more often.

You see, the people above me, apparently, got frustrated when I pointed out limitations instead of simply agreeing with their ideas and spending valuable time investigating the things which I already knew not be possible. My superiors weren't looking for an 'expert' on the subject, they were looking for a 'Yes Man.'

That's the problem when you put people in charge of areas where they have no expertise - they don't know what to ask for. The problem is then compounded further when you have people who are experts, but are forced to work beneath people who aren't. This phenomenon also makes mentoring and advancement very difficult.

KC said it best the other day when he suggested that I should try lying at work more often. Sure, I may know the answer to the question being asked, and I may know what the outcome of any sort of investigation to the problem would yield. But it's only through the due diligence of trying to solve a problem and appearing interested in solving the unsolvable that people in power will be satisfied in your expertise. Really, it's just a way for them to maintain respectability after having asked such a stupid question in the first place. I would have been thought of as "a team player" had I gone out and 'pretended' to look for an answer that I already knew. My superiors would then feel good in themselves and their stupid request because, "well Sam (who's really smart and agreeable) couldn't find a solution after spending all that time looking."

Where I thought I was saving the company time and money by being an expert on the subject, turns out instead I was being uncooperative. Well fuck me!

Another way to look the situation: it's like when you had to show your work in 6th grade algebra. Sure, you can just glance at the problem and know the answer; but the answer isn't what the teacher is grading you on. He wants to see your work. He wants to see that you know how to come to the answer by going through the process. Again - it's about due diligence, no matter how mundane and pointless it may be.

Corporate America is really just one big game. It's played with people: some are smart and some are stupid. The stupid one's don't want to look stupid (though they're usually the one's with all the power and decision-making responsibility). If you (as a smart person) want to have power too, you've got to always work to make sure the stupid people above you appear smarter than they really are. Just not nearly as smart as you are, though.

It's all just a big game. And I've now been penalized for unsportsmanlike conduct and sent to the penalty box.

One of the downsides to being gay is that there is no roadmap - no guide to how you are suppose to act. Society provides some general yet distinct guidelines for straight folk. Boys generally have an image of what a "real man" is and they are conditioned to grow up and get married, bring home the bacon, pump out a couple of kids, and then step back and be the clueless yet comical husband/father figure who's intentions are good but who doesn't always understand what's going on in the house. Girls have this since of empowerment where they are told they can be anything they want which leads them to try to have it all including a career, husband, kids, handling the household work while keeping the husband from doing something stupid on a daily basis.

As a kid that's what I thought life was suppose to be like for me. It took me some time to get it into my head that all of that is just a big ol' lie! I only half to be exactly who I am. And who I am is a proud gay man, untethered by society's stereotypes. It's one of the many many bonuses of being gay: we get to define ourselves as individuals and not stereotypes. Even when society want's to create the stereotype of the flaming effeminate, over-the-top funny fag, we dismiss that and go to the gym, building enough muscles to beat up any stupid straight guy and impress his girlfriend with our flawless skin and manicures.

But now here is the conundrum. If I don't half to be a "man's man" and I don't half to be a "flaming queen" who then shall I be? What model should I use as inspiration to shape my life?

Long set-up, I know, but here finally is the situation....
Three weeks ago I had a huge fight with my best friend Randy. He was being his usual mean-spirited self during the day and it was particularly hurtful to my already damaged since of self-worth. But as it is with our relationship, I just sat and took the abuse and played the passive-agressive role trying to find the humor in the situation. Then in the evening we were down in Lawndale at some friend's house for a night of games and pizza. I had said prior to going that I had plans the next day and that we couldn't get wasted and spend the night down there, to which he agreed. Fast-forward to 3AM when he's drunk and on the phone trying to get Coke delivered and I'm glaring at him with contempt for his disregard of my plans. After we explode and make everyone in the house uncomfortable, I catch a cab home and write my feeling out in an email. That was the last we've spoke. I have since made attempts to contact him and have gotten no response.

To make matters more complicated, there are two events this weekend I'm scheduled to appear at. I know he will be at both these events as well.

So here's the question.....
Where do I turn to figure out how to deal with all this? Which stereotype am I suppose to follow? I could attend the parties on my own with my head held high, interacting with a room full of acquaintances while trying to avoid an awkward scene with Randy. Essentially stepping up and being the bigger "Man" in the situation.

Or I could instead stay at home alone where I am perfectly comfortable; avoiding being in a room full of strangers, all of whom are better looking and more successful than me, thereby forgoing the inevitable feelings of insecurity and worthlessness that currently plague my life. Essentially taking the effeminate gay "Mouse" route.

The easiest and most natural tenancy for me is the "mouse" option. I am realizing that I am a loner by nature and it's difficult for me to put myself out there in social situations with no safety net - be that the safety of self-confidence or the comfort of a reliable friend by my side.

I have two voices in my head tonight as I write this. One is the immortal words from my father saying to me, "if they intended this to be easy they would let women and children do it" suggesting that if I don't go tonight I'm just a big baby. And then there is my friend Wes's voice who's cheering me on by saying, "Fuck Those People!"

This is a year I'm suppose to be pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. It's a year I'm suppose to be re-defining who I am. Perhaps I've done that already, in a way, by standing up for myself and telling my "friend" that I don't appreciate his constant negative attacks at my expense. The next logical step then would be to show both him and myself that I am a strong individual by venturing out of the safety of my home and connecting with people without the aid of any safety net.

Fuck, now I half to do my nails and find a fabulous ensemble to wear tonight.

1. I've made grand statements and promises to get healthy, fit, hot, and muscular and yet I am the largest I have ever been in my life and my gut is obscene. Obscene I say! I'm a joke and am failing myself.
2. I have been beat down and demoralized even more (if you can believe it) at that shit-hole I go to every day known as work. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I have had to coach myself each morning to gather the strength just to go into the office. And there have been some very hotly contested debates in my head on the subject of just quitting on-the-spot with nothing but a small shred of dignity.
3. I had another doozy of a fight with my best friend 2-weeks ago and we haven't spoken since. I miss him (for some lame reason). And because I know I'm right in the argument (though I'm not entirely certain there is an argument - he could just be busy with travel and his new boy-toys). But I'm still not going to call him first. He needs to call me.
4. There is nothing interesting happening in my life and I have nobody to hang out with. And when I do hang out with friend, all I can think to talk about are my problems. But who wants that... so I keep quiet. I'm to the point where I need to pay someone to listen to my issues.
5. All this self-doubt and pore body image has forced me into hiding. TimTom texted last night wanting to come over. I felt so fat and unattractive that I pretended not to be home. How pathetic is that?