Charging Through Life

Boy, your flame needs a lot of attention to stay lit. Fan your own flame for a while, my arm's getting tired.

Having been friends with Kenyon for 15 years definitely has it's advantages. The boy knows how to put me in my place. Now I've never considered myself to be a "high-maintanance" sorta friend but the noise in my head does spill out from time-to-time and there's one person I know to call to help weed out the crap.

I was invited this coming Saturday to a pool party hosted by Rob and Terrance. Great guys. But the party consists all of that other group of friends I was hanging out with before I got bit and got fired. To me, this group of people represent what I should be. They all have great jobs, their shit is together (mostly) and they are where they should be with their lives at 30-something. They're not like my current friends who all have money troubles, or drinking problems, or self-esteem issues.

I should be aligning myself with this more successful group and allowing them to naturally push and motivate me during these difficult times of mine. Problem is, they're not the one's who are around for me during the tough times. They're not the ones I open up to or the ones I can just be myself around. It's the "troubled" group who are the ones who've been there for me.

I guess what I'm saying here is that I resent this more successful group for not being what I would call "better friends." And I'm carrying that resentment around and it's preventing me from wanting to RSVP to a simple pool party. I think to myself that, they only want to be friendly when times are fun. But what about the rest of the time?

This is something KC just can not figure out about me. To him, we're going to a fun afternoon event with boys and booze. It's something for him to look forward to. He asked me what it would take for me to feel comfortable around these "friends of mine," to which I said, "having them think I'm pretty, funny, and to pay attention to me."

Yep. This is a high-maintanance flame I've got burnin' up in here.

No surprise that I'm over-thinking all this. I'm reading into a situation where there's nothing to read. I'm projecting my insecurities onto what other people are thinking about me. What I've got to remember is: people AREN'T thinking about me - not like I think they are. I'm all consumed with what other people think that I forget about their insecurities that they're carrying around about themselves.

I've got two friends in Rob and Terrance who've lost contact with me for a few months because of.... well life. And they're just throwing a pool party. It's up to me to put down this feeling of resentment that is ill-placed and go have a drink and flirt with some boys. It's up to me to shut my mind off from it's constant state of fret and self-doubt and go have some mindless fun for an afternoon.

Maybe I'm not as put together as other people there. Maybe I've got some challenges in my life right now. Maybe I need to work harder to catch up to where I should be.
And maybe everyone there will marvel at my youthful looks and cute outfit, and then tell me how much they admire how strong and resilient I've been through all that I've had to deal with.
(Burn bright, flame. Burn!)

Finally fate finds a foothold to foil my foundation and I'm freaking out.

Before my bankruptcy, I was trying to hold all of my obligations together and was failing miserably. I wasn't above trying anything to get ahead in my dire situation (notice how not much has changed). I was looking for a new job, looking for a raise, looking for better credit offers, looking for a leprechaun.

Then Congress approved Obama's "Making Home Affordable" program and I jumped at it. The government was going to force banks to re-structure bad loans from fraudulent lenders like mine! Thank you Democrats.

You want to know what I've learned about government mandated programs? They are vague, complicated, and slow to roll out.  I've been trying to get my two mortgages modified for almost a year now. And here's the bad part: during that time I haven't been paying on said mortgage.

I know! I know! Bad homeowner. Bad! But I didn't have enough cash to make the full payment each month and, thanks to the bankruptcy, I got put into a legal loophole sorta scenario where the bank wasn't allowed to call on me to collect and I wasn't obligated to make payments (sorta). Plus I needed the cash! And I figured BofA has plenty of money and plenty of hassles dealing with the government, bad press and people who are in real trouble. (FIY: I'm in real trouble)

Anyway, the loan modification is moving along now, finally; they have all my paperwork, and my application has been moved to the underwriter who should approve my new mortgage in 30-45 days. So all is cool, right?

Well, as with bureaucracies the size of Bank of America, one hand doesn't always know or care what the other hand is doing and because of that my account has been sent to foreclosure.

Oye that's a scary word and a big pill to swallow. Foreclosure. It just sounds mean.

And let me tell you, the paperwork you get that says "Foreclosure" at the top is all sorts of legal jargon that, might be English, but not anything I understand - and I'm smart. I can't imagine trying to interpret this stuff without an education.

Hope, however, is not all lost. I've been in contact with the bank on a daily basis and they assure me that the modification is moving right along, there are no issues with any of it, and the foreclosure thing is sorta standard and it will go away just as soon as the modification is approved. So I trust them? (he asked hesitantly) 
No, not really.

Oh what another fine mess I have gotten myself into! One I certainly never imagined myself being in. I mean, come on, I'm better than this, smarter than this, and far to pretty to half to deal with such things.

So now I must do the only thing I can which is to start managing the situation more closely. I've contacted my lawyer and put him on stand-by. I've been all over BofA making sure the loan modification paperwork is moving forward and setting dates to follow up on their actions. And I'll get into contact with the attorney for BofA who's filing the foreclosure to ask for an extension. Good news there is that they haven't set a sale date and that process usually takes 3 months to set.

Dear Baby Jesus, when will these money troubles of mine end? When will I begin living the fabulous life that I am destine to live? When will you send me a fabulous high-paying job, a winning lotto ticket, a rich husband, or a leprechaun of my very own?

Foreclosure. It's such an ugly word and I'm embarrassed that my life has come to this.
FUCK!
FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!

You know how "ignorance is bliss"? Well I have been a blissful moron for about the past month. Like a kid with ADD who's been off his meds, I found something shiny and it.... HEY, look over there!

As you know, a few weeks ago I shifted my interests back to finances and picked up the book "Rich Dad Poor Dad." It got my imagination racing. Then I went back to Indiana for a week where my Dad put me through Stock Market Bootcamp. Surprise, I'm good at this stuff! (or I'm just being ignorant, I can't really tell yet)

So, being all creative and stuff, I came up with an entirely new direction for my life. I was going to be a Day Trader! It's perfect. Take something that you're good at, and understand, that you can make real money at, and do it for like 4 or 5 hours a day in your home and be finished by 1pm! What's not to love?

I had my course materials set and I outlined a syllabus for myself. I developed a training and practice time-table, and then set milestone goals for future growth. I got this, right! Hell, I even created a business logo for my new venture because, well I'm still a design geek. Simply put, I'm doing my du-diligence - a nice change of pace.

Well yesterday I sat down to begin trading with fake money because this is practice mode and I'm still learning. First off, I see why they don't let women and children do this sort of thing - it's not easy. But practice makes perfect and that's what we're doing right now.

That's when I got a huge slap-in-the-face and realized that you need money to make money. Like a lot of it.

Now I have money from my cashed-in 401(k) that I was going to eventually use to fund this idea of mine (after the training period). And it's no small sum, really. But if you are going to buy 1,000 shares of a $20 stock that's $20,000 you've got on the line.  gulp.  And if you're going to buy just 100 shares, well then you need to wait much longer than a day to turn a short profit.  oops.

Stupid imagination, it's failed me again! I started dreaming these grand dreams of what could be and then had reality set in. Reality is such a bitch.

Alright, fine. So I'm not going to be an overnight success just because I can read a freekin' chart. So I may half to still go out and get a real job. So my fantasy is just that - a fantacy. But that doesn't mean I can't make at least part of it come true. My plans may need to be scaled back but they're not unobtainable once right-sized. I can't still make my money work for me. And isn't that what I'm suppose to be doing?

uggh! I just feel stupid.

I went back to visit the family farm two weeks ago. One of the things I was hesitant to discuss with the parentals was the fact that I got fired from my job. But I controlled the message by sticking to my talking-points and delivering the news with my own spin (good thing I got that PR degree college). Part of the spin I threw on the message was how I wanted to make some extra money in stocks. You see, whenever I'm home, there are a very select number of topics Dad and I can bond over. The stock market is one of those topics. So for five days I went through Stock Market Boot Camp with Dad.

The thing is this... I get it. I can look at a chart and understand the patterns and why a price moves the way it does. I understand some of the study indicators used in technical analysis and why a fundamental annalists of a company is important. The chart and the market doesn't scare me.... when I'm on the farm in Indiana, that is. Now that I'm back here in California on my own I feel completely dumbfounded. I'm all like, "what stocks should I be looking at? What time-frame should I set my chart to? Which indicators should I be including? And when should I make a buy?" Basically, I feel like a Vally Girl exclaiming that, "OMG this is hard!"

OK, first, I need to give myself a little credit for being smart both in IN and CA. Just because Dad's not feeding me the questions and guiding me through the lessons doesn't mean I don't understand. Remember the first thing you wrote on the plane home, Sam, "You are smart and do understand this stuff."

But the reason for this freak out today is because I've gotten it into my head that I can make money trading in the market... like the sort of money that would sustain my lifestyle and not require me to go get some crappy real job. I've gotten it into my head that if I learn a few basics then I can have a career in investing that I dictate, that pays me based on my efforts, and that ends each day by 1PM (PST). Not bad, eh?

But there is a LOT to understand and a LOT of opinion out there on how to invest correctly. I've got half a dozen books that I'm reading simultaneously and an online course that I took which is now asking for money to move onto the next steps in my education. Like any good scam, I'm being asked to pay up-front for someone's "education" before I even know if this crazy notion of mine is going to work.

If I'm going to do this, there is a pressure to do it the right way. And the right way is by studding and practicing first. It's as if I've sent myself back to college to get a whole new degree. Hell, I even have a course outline that I wrote on the plane back from Indiana when I was all jazzed about making this work. But, just like when I actually was in college, my initial enthusiasm is starting to fade with all this f'ing 'classroom work.' "You guys, why is learning so hard!"

Alright, I am going to chalk this up to just a case of information overload. I'm looking down a path of a lot of information that needs to be absorbed when you consider all the different ways you can make money in the market: options, futures, forex (which I don't even know what is). I need to just take a step back and learn the way I know how to learn which is by trial and error. But, unlike learning a casino game in Vegas, the stock market lets you learn with play money before you start risking your own cash savings. So I'm going to stop thinking like this is my business for which I need all the correct answers right now or I will suffer poverty. Instead I'm going to start thinking like this is my entertainment. Stop freaking the fuck out and go, "like, take a chill-pill or something you spaz."

I can tell you that one obstacle to being unemployed, besides having a lot of spare time on your hands, is that you loose track of the days. The difference between a Monday and a Thursday is fairly indistinguishable to me. So the fact that today marks the half-way point of the year almost escaped me.