Saturday, May 8, 2010
Once bitten, too shy
You may recall that my best friend and I are having some issues (and that's putting it lightly). I blogged last about said issues before in the entry, "Mouse or Man." This represents the second major fight where he and I have gone for weeks without speaking (months now). The first major fight, in part, lead to the creation of this blog.
As anyone who's ever been in an argument will tell you, you can't have a fight without two people. And both parties are to blame for portions of this fight. For my part, I was consumed with my own problems of money, debt, bankruptcy, and failing career. And those personal issues of mine were seeping into my relationship in the forms of jealousy and frustration. Also, I couldn't stop thinking about my issues even when I was suppose to be having fun with my friend. Problems, it seams, were all I wanted to talk about.
Randy, you half to understand, is very "me" oriented (I'm not one to use the word "selfish" but feel free to use that word if you prefer). And on the day of our fight, he was particularly self-consumed with his own interests. Interests which were primarily focussed on superficial things like talking about vacations and clothes - things I couldn't partake in at the time.
While I was scraping near the bottom of despair, Randy was climbing to the top of his game by getting promotions, swimming in more money than he knows what to do with, having two hot boys chasing after him, having lots of sex, and planning an entire summer of great trips. We were in two very different places.
On this particular day, I was overflowing with my own feelings and needs and I was emotionally vulnerable, especially around topics of money and success. I needed a friend - a "best friend" to help me sort out my issues and to be sympathetic towards my troubles.
But Randy is a shark; he's not the "best friend" that I needed that day. And when you swim with a shark you need to understand what to expect. Your gonna get bit!
This is essentially the problem: I expected Randy to treat me the way I would have treated him if the situation were reverse. Instead, all I got was bit, and quite unexpectedly. Is it Randy's fault that I got bit or should I have been expecting it? Did I project what I would have done in the situation onto him and unfairly expected too much of someone who doesn't think the way I do?
It would sound like I'm mad at the boy, and for a while I was positively furious with him. But sitting here today in my new mode of self-reflection and self-improvement, I'm trying to objectively analyze situations to see what can be learned from the experiences in my life. I truly believe that this fight and our time apart was a crucial and significant event that needed to happen and has pushed me forward, emotionally, for the better.
You see, the relationship of Randy & Sam was exactly that, "Randy & Sam." We were almost always paired together. For the longest time, if you invited Randy somewhere you knew Sam would also join. For a while, even, people were convinced we were dating. But "Randy & Sam" was even more unhealthy then it first seems because I allowed him to take the lead in nearly every situation we were in together. I allowed him to make decisions, to be the point-of-contact, to introduce me to others, and to be my safety net in uncomfortable social situations. I retreated into his shadow where I could feel safe but yet still included as one of the group but without risk. It was not a good situation for me and it was an unfair burden to place on him. I was the pilot fish to Randy's shark; swimming around and off to the side, feeding on whatever leftovers he didn't consume.
As a result of this separation, however, today I'm out on my own and am discovering a new confidence I never even knew I was lacking in the first place. My close friends are happy to see me out of Randy's shadow -- they were tired of sitting by watching the abuse he dealt me. This argument between once "best friends" and our time apart has really empowered me. It coincided with other significant changes in my life where I had no choice but to be strong, decisive, and self-reliant. It was in this time that I was reminded how strong and resourceful I am. I've really stepped up my game and am making great personal strides and accomplishments.
But there's a problem.
What didn't occur to me at the time of the fight was the possibility of a division of friends. Since "Randy & Sam" looked and acted like a married couple to so many, the natural tenancy for some of our mutual friends, it appears, is to gravitate towards one of the two divorcés. If this is the situation then I'm getting shafted.
It started two weekends ago when Chris & Michael invited Rob, Terrance & Randy out to Aqua Caliente to go camping. There was no invite for Sam. Now it could have been because of limited space in the camper. It could have been because I've only been on three previous camping trips where the others have been on twice that many, at least. It could have just been a strange coincidence that has no malice intent whatsoever. At any rate, I was left out.
Then this weekend I reached out to Randy to try and set up a lunch date to begin the mending process but was told, "I'll be in Palm Springs with the guys." Thanks to a little Facebook investigation on my part, I've learned that nearly everyone of our friends has rented a house for a long weekend desert escape to celebrate Matt's Birthday as well as Jared's Birthday. This irritates me to no end because those are MY vacations! I've been part them for years now.
At first I rationalized to myself, "they know you are without a job, Sam, and they don't want to burden you with more money problems." However Steve is out there right now and he's in worse financial shape than I am, having been in-between jobs for the entire year now. Then I thought, "well it's really a birthday for Jared and Matt and, while you are friends with Matt, you haven't formed much of a relationship with Jared. Maybe they thought it would be awkward." That was until I saw that there are some 12 guys out there in all and a couple of them are meeting Jared and his husband Brian for the first time this weekend.
The shark has bit me again! And, once again, I'm the little pilot fish who's not aggressive enough to keep hold of the relationships and friends I have (or had).
So now it's time to assert myself and be a more forward leader among these friends, if I intend on keeping them. No more waiting around for the leftover chum that is handed to me. Nope, now I know that if I want something it is up to me to take the first bite. Does anyone smell blood in the water?
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UPDATE: After I reached out to try and get us talking again (when he was off to P.S. for the weekend) I was told, "let's try to set something up next weekend." In my mind, I made the first attempt and his schedule had the problem so the ball was now in his court. That following weekend.... nothing. The weekend after that... nothing.
Then I sent out an Evite for my birthday and left him off. Surprisingly just days later I get a phone call. We chatted and he suggested we get together for a drink. Success I thought.
When it came time to settle on plans for the drink I get a text message saying, "...do you have anything planned for either Thurs or Fri night? I got tentative plans both night but maybe we can work something out?"
The "tentative plans" I later find out are The Abby on Thurs to see Manny spin, and then an Extra Fresh Friday at Eleven. I see where I rank in all this.
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