Sunday, October 25, 2009
Needy little bitch
My meditation class ended three days ago and I'm happy to report that my practice is still going well. The purpose of meditating is to experience a deep level of consciousness in-order to connect with the moment. This allows your body to release stresses it has been carrying around and to become aware of your environment and the moment. And so far I think it's working. Before meditation I am usually anxious with a million +2 things running around in my head. Meditating calms me down and allows me to toss out the crap I don't need and can't really achieve today anyway, while prioritizing the items I can achieve.
But then I come back to the real world with all it's stimulants, pressures, and envy's. Blah - Stupid real world!
Over the past few years, and even more-so over the past few months, I've known my life is off-track. And my creative, hyper little mind is eager to offer quick-fix solutions it thinks my soul is so desperately searching for. It's as if my mind and soul are a couple of friends having coffee. My kind and helpful little mind, who has good intentions, is really like the friend who want's to fix your problems quickly so you'll shut-up about them and the two of you can get back to gossiping about trashy celebrities again. My little mind would say to my soul,
But then I come back to the real world with all it's stimulants, pressures, and envy's. Blah - Stupid real world!
Over the past few years, and even more-so over the past few months, I've known my life is off-track. And my creative, hyper little mind is eager to offer quick-fix solutions it thinks my soul is so desperately searching for. It's as if my mind and soul are a couple of friends having coffee. My kind and helpful little mind, who has good intentions, is really like the friend who want's to fix your problems quickly so you'll shut-up about them and the two of you can get back to gossiping about trashy celebrities again. My little mind would say to my soul,
- "You need a boyfriend"
- "You need to workout"
- "You need to go work for a studio"
- "You need a new set of friends"
- "You need to move out of LA"
- "You need to read more books"
- "You need to learn new skills"
- "You need You need You need You need"
Take last night, for example. Chris & Michael had one of their over-the-top camping dinners and I was invited to join them along with Jamie, Jeremy, Brian, Troy & Craig for the evening. Brian picked me up in his shinny Mercedes ("You need a new car"), Jamie just closed on a new condo ("You need a bigger place"), Jeremy is just tall and pretty with great shoulders ("You need to workout like 3-times a day"), Michael cooked an amazing five-course dinner ("You need to cook at home"), Troy is a promoter for Warner Bros. ("You need to network with him for a job"), and his husband Craig has this great dry, sarcastic wit that I found charming ("You need to be funnier").
FUCK OFF LITTLE MIND!
One of the things we learned in meditation is the notion of the present - the here and now. It stresses the philosophy, "you are perfect as you are and you are exactly where you are suppose to be today." This has been the single most difficult concept for me to grasp - that this is where I'm suppose to be and this is perfect just as it is. Um, excuse me, I'm like carrying around a gut, single and bankrupt - how the hell did I get here and why was this were I was suppose to be at any given moment in my otherwise fabulous life?
Well, you see, that philosophy of "you're perfect" is in no way meant to suggest that you won't improve. Quite the opposite, actually. Life/The Universe is in a constant state of motion and change. Nothing stays the same. To excel in this constant change we must adapt and improve. So striving for more and better is an inherent requirement for existence in The Universe. But my little mind doesn't understand why I can't have it all and have it all right now! Now Now Now Now Now!
Thank the Goddesses I don't have any credit cards or else I may just find myself going out trying to buy that life I so yearn for "Now Now Now". Oh, wait - I tried that already and.... POOF I ended up here.
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