Sunday, October 25, 2009
Needy little bitch
My meditation class ended three days ago and I'm happy to report that my practice is still going well. The purpose of meditating is to experience a deep level of consciousness in-order to connect with the moment. This allows your body to release stresses it has been carrying around and to become aware of your environment and the moment. And so far I think it's working. Before meditation I am usually anxious with a million +2 things running around in my head. Meditating calms me down and allows me to toss out the crap I don't need and can't really achieve today anyway, while prioritizing the items I can achieve.
But then I come back to the real world with all it's stimulants, pressures, and envy's. Blah - Stupid real world!
Over the past few years, and even more-so over the past few months, I've known my life is off-track. And my creative, hyper little mind is eager to offer quick-fix solutions it thinks my soul is so desperately searching for. It's as if my mind and soul are a couple of friends having coffee. My kind and helpful little mind, who has good intentions, is really like the friend who want's to fix your problems quickly so you'll shut-up about them and the two of you can get back to gossiping about trashy celebrities again. My little mind would say to my soul,
But then I come back to the real world with all it's stimulants, pressures, and envy's. Blah - Stupid real world!
Over the past few years, and even more-so over the past few months, I've known my life is off-track. And my creative, hyper little mind is eager to offer quick-fix solutions it thinks my soul is so desperately searching for. It's as if my mind and soul are a couple of friends having coffee. My kind and helpful little mind, who has good intentions, is really like the friend who want's to fix your problems quickly so you'll shut-up about them and the two of you can get back to gossiping about trashy celebrities again. My little mind would say to my soul,
- "You need a boyfriend"
- "You need to workout"
- "You need to go work for a studio"
- "You need a new set of friends"
- "You need to move out of LA"
- "You need to read more books"
- "You need to learn new skills"
- "You need You need You need You need"
Take last night, for example. Chris & Michael had one of their over-the-top camping dinners and I was invited to join them along with Jamie, Jeremy, Brian, Troy & Craig for the evening. Brian picked me up in his shinny Mercedes ("You need a new car"), Jamie just closed on a new condo ("You need a bigger place"), Jeremy is just tall and pretty with great shoulders ("You need to workout like 3-times a day"), Michael cooked an amazing five-course dinner ("You need to cook at home"), Troy is a promoter for Warner Bros. ("You need to network with him for a job"), and his husband Craig has this great dry, sarcastic wit that I found charming ("You need to be funnier").
FUCK OFF LITTLE MIND!
One of the things we learned in meditation is the notion of the present - the here and now. It stresses the philosophy, "you are perfect as you are and you are exactly where you are suppose to be today." This has been the single most difficult concept for me to grasp - that this is where I'm suppose to be and this is perfect just as it is. Um, excuse me, I'm like carrying around a gut, single and bankrupt - how the hell did I get here and why was this were I was suppose to be at any given moment in my otherwise fabulous life?
Well, you see, that philosophy of "you're perfect" is in no way meant to suggest that you won't improve. Quite the opposite, actually. Life/The Universe is in a constant state of motion and change. Nothing stays the same. To excel in this constant change we must adapt and improve. So striving for more and better is an inherent requirement for existence in The Universe. But my little mind doesn't understand why I can't have it all and have it all right now! Now Now Now Now Now!
Thank the Goddesses I don't have any credit cards or else I may just find myself going out trying to buy that life I so yearn for "Now Now Now". Oh, wait - I tried that already and.... POOF I ended up here.
Labels:
Monday, October 19, 2009
Shrim (you must be kidding)
This is a joke right? If you remember yesterday in my blog I was going on and on about how I had tried to anticipate what my meditation discussion would be like. And I predicted it would be me and the instructor alone in a room because, "how many people could really be interested in learning meditation"? Well today, the first day of actual lessons, it was me and the instructor in a room by ourselves meditating. Oh how humorous the universe is.
And, if you will recall, I had to bring fruit and flowers for a ceremonial offering. Well I made the offering and there was a ceremony. Come on, where are the cameras at?
Then I got my special word, my mantra. Each person gets his/her own mantra. Mine is Shrim. The first few times I said it I said shrimp. Again, the universe is poking fun at me.
Blah blah blah I'm meditating and relaxing. My mind is trying to take things seriously but every so often it chimes in over the repetitious "Shrim" to ask in a sarcastic tone, "you just paid $750 to sit on a couch in silence? You can do that at home for free!" Shrim Shrim Shrim Shrim Shrim
Blah blah blah I'm meditating and actually do find myself really relaxing. I'm finally able to quiet my mind and I'm able to tune out the noise of the city and focus on the sound of the fountain outside and feel the cool breeze coming in through the window. It's nice. Not $750 nice - but nice.
So at the end the instructor asks if I have any questions. In my most politically correct and non-condocenting manor I inquire, through this experience, "where am I suppose to be going and how will I now when I'm there?" This made Will, my instructor, laugh. "I want to jump to the end of the book and see how it ends," I admit to him.
"Wherever you are is where you are suppose to be," the instructor explains in his soft Australian accent. Which make the second part of my question irrelevant because I'm never suppose to be anywhere other than where I am.
No, really - I'm being Punked right now.
But I suppose you half to wonder if there's something to that. Not being a religious person in the lest bit, the only piece of philosophy I've ever believed in is that the World gives each and every one of us challenges to overcome - lessons we must learn. When we learn something we move onto the next stage of life and are presented with new challenges. It's as if life is one giant relay game in Survivor. Will's answer to my question would seem to go along with that philosophy.
Sure we want more in life and we aspire to be greater than what we are. But where we are in any given moment is exactly where we are suppose to be. Just because we don't understand or enjoy the situations we find ourselves in doesn't mean we're not suppose to be in them in order to learn something or improve something around us.
So I guess I could say "woes me, I'm in a difficult place in life" but I don't believe that is quite accurate. I was in a difficult place. But I'm learning to take decisive action for myself to improve my well being. That's the lesson I'm learning.
The Universe is laughing hysterically at this shit, right now.
And, if you will recall, I had to bring fruit and flowers for a ceremonial offering. Well I made the offering and there was a ceremony. Come on, where are the cameras at?
Then I got my special word, my mantra. Each person gets his/her own mantra. Mine is Shrim. The first few times I said it I said shrimp. Again, the universe is poking fun at me.
Blah blah blah I'm meditating and relaxing. My mind is trying to take things seriously but every so often it chimes in over the repetitious "Shrim" to ask in a sarcastic tone, "you just paid $750 to sit on a couch in silence? You can do that at home for free!" Shrim Shrim Shrim Shrim Shrim
Blah blah blah I'm meditating and actually do find myself really relaxing. I'm finally able to quiet my mind and I'm able to tune out the noise of the city and focus on the sound of the fountain outside and feel the cool breeze coming in through the window. It's nice. Not $750 nice - but nice.
So at the end the instructor asks if I have any questions. In my most politically correct and non-condocenting manor I inquire, through this experience, "where am I suppose to be going and how will I now when I'm there?" This made Will, my instructor, laugh. "I want to jump to the end of the book and see how it ends," I admit to him.
"Wherever you are is where you are suppose to be," the instructor explains in his soft Australian accent. Which make the second part of my question irrelevant because I'm never suppose to be anywhere other than where I am.
No, really - I'm being Punked right now.
But I suppose you half to wonder if there's something to that. Not being a religious person in the lest bit, the only piece of philosophy I've ever believed in is that the World gives each and every one of us challenges to overcome - lessons we must learn. When we learn something we move onto the next stage of life and are presented with new challenges. It's as if life is one giant relay game in Survivor. Will's answer to my question would seem to go along with that philosophy.
Sure we want more in life and we aspire to be greater than what we are. But where we are in any given moment is exactly where we are suppose to be. Just because we don't understand or enjoy the situations we find ourselves in doesn't mean we're not suppose to be in them in order to learn something or improve something around us.
So I guess I could say "woes me, I'm in a difficult place in life" but I don't believe that is quite accurate. I was in a difficult place. But I'm learning to take decisive action for myself to improve my well being. That's the lesson I'm learning.
The Universe is laughing hysterically at this shit, right now.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
I must be a straight, single woman in my late-30's
I do this thing where I try to predict the outcome of any given situation I'm going to be in. For example, if I know I half to discuss something uncomfortable with a friend or colleague, I rehearse the conversation in my head before-hand to get comfortable with it. Being a creative Gemini, my brain is all-to-happy to play along and often surprises me with reactions or conversations I didn't expect. Talking to one's self doesn't make him crazy, does it?
Let the ceremony begin!
This evening, in my quest to try new things and ask questions of people to see what they know, I attended a discussion on the benefits of meditation which I found on the internet. Blessid art thou Google. True to form, most of the week I've been predicting what the talk would be like and how it would go. I knew a little about the instructor from his website; a hansom and strong man with a shaved head from Australia - probably gay. "How many people at any given week are really going to be interested in learning meditation," I thought to myself. "I just stumbled upon this guy's website and he's offering lessons out of his house - no business or organization to speak of," I reasoned. So most likely it will be me and this dude in his apartment by ourselves. That's the situation I planned for, that's what I envisioned.
Walking up to the address on Laurel Ave., I was greeted by three ladies in their late 20's/early 30's. One was talking about her 2-year old son. By the time we were ushered into the apartment there had gathered more than a dozen people, mostly women who all look to have already discovered a new-age way of life by the looks of their clothes. So right off the bat I discover that I am actually not the progressive, young gay man living in L.A. who is branching out and searching for the next chapter in his life. I have, in fact, turned into a single straight woman in her late-thirty's who's going to use meditation in place of a man. So much for being able to predicting future situations.
Well what did I learn from this hour-long discussion?
There was something about conciseness and how if we are more conscious of the world around us we are better equipped to deal with things like stress and choices. And the human brain is always trying to organize and rationalize and look into the future - it's what it does. This part resinated with me. The instructor explained that our brains are always trying to get ready for what will happen; but there are so many variables in life that 'what will happen' never does. And because of all the different outcomes of what could be there is actually no real future existance, there is only right now. This was truly one of the biggest new-age hippy ideals he said all night, but somehow it makes since (and, no, I didn't reiterate it correctly here... I am SO paraphrasing, And probably incorrectly so).
Apparently there are many many types of meditation techniques, but what Will (the instructor) teaches is a very easy and sustainable form of meditation. It only requires 20-minutes in the morning and 20-minutes in the early evening. What he said, though, is that it does take discipline. Discipline to commit to doing it and integrating it into your routine and eventually your life. Now this also resinated with me. There are so many things I know I need to be doing these days: exercising, networking, looking for a new job, eating better, looking for love, exercising.... But while I have all the tools and motivation, I clearly lack discipline. Perhaps this will help. However, to contradict that last point of the things I should be doing but aren't; Will also said that it is human nature to always want more because we are never happy with what we have today (also VERY much paraphrased from the more eloquent original).
If none of the rantings in this blog entry make any since to you, your not alone - even I'm confused. See, I think this is what meditation might be good for: it might help me to stop contradicting myself and begin to make since.
But the question remains: do I believe in any of this? Well I think I had better figure that out before Monday at 7:30PM because I start a four-day class on the subject. And it's going to cost me one week's salary. Yea, the "contribution" we each are asked to make for this class is the sum we earn in one work week. Now for someone who's living paycheck-to-paycheck, this part of the class definitely jolted a dose of reality into the situation.
Plus, we are asked to bring to our first class (besides a week's salary), some sweet fruit and a hand-full of fresh flowers. You see, the fruit and flowers are a ceremonial offering from the student and must be made before the instructor will issue your mantra.
OK, so what did I learn tonight?
- Don't make assumptions about what will happen. You just can not predict the future so stop trying
- It only takes a few minutes a day to make a big impact on your life but that's IF you can dedicate yourself and commit to the time/effort
- One should probably have fresh flowers on-hand just incase a situation ever arrises that you need to make a ceremonial offering
Let the ceremony begin!
Monday, October 12, 2009
Is this the way to Funky Town?
When people refer to me to others there is one thing for which I am pretty confident: I'm rarely described as a stereotypical "man." Maybe it's because my voice gets high and is full of inflection, or I squeal when startled, or maybe it's because I have been known to gesture emphatically (which I just did as I was typing). Alright, valid. But I do have a few masculine traits. I don't read instruction manuals, I don't stop to ask for directions, and I assume I'm always right. Very butch.
With that said, if there was an instruction manual for my life I'd study the hell out of it. If I could pull into a 7-11 and grab a Coke Zero, Kit-Kat AND get directions to find the next stage of my life, I would say, "Oh, thank Heaven."
You know that Zen, Buddhist, Hippie saying, "it's not about the destination, it's about the journey"? Well I call Bullshit! Seriously, I would be perfectly content with "the journey" if it came equipped with a GPS, an outdated map, or at least a passenger who swears over and over that he does know the way to Funky Town AND he knows a short cut.
So, when you have a couple annoying masculine traits and you find yourself traveling along the road of life without any navigational tools, what's a gal to do?
Nautical sailors would look to the stars to guide their way. Well I've read my horoscope and and that shit just couldn't be more off. Although being a Gemini I will say I'm constantly at odds with myself - thank you for that Twins.
Or you could watch for the helpful road signs placed along your path, but those are so often mis-interpreted. I mean, I thought that caution sign on the way to San Diego was telling people to flee from their children as fast as possible. BTW: message received.
Without the aid of easy to understand road signs, I've been trying to follow other drivers and try to take similar routes. But I've got to get real; my little Saturn just can't keep up with Randy who is in the 'corporate executive' toll lane. Nor can I catch up to friends like Josh & Phillip who are in the 'fabulous, popular, rich, house-in-the-hills, studio executive' lane. I tried to follow KC for a while but I think he's blissfully happy cruising down the 101 stopping occasionally to play with stray cats. He may have a destination but he's going to get there in his own creative way. At least I know enough to just drive right on past those friends of mine who are either in the slow lane or are off to the shoulder with car trouble.
The only road sign of life I've been able to effectively read is, "Lane Ends Merge..." Problem is I didn't catch the last part which told me if I need to go Right or Left. The lane I'm in is coming to a close and it's a good thing! I'm ready, anxious even, for some change in my life. But it's that road ahead that has me worried. Besides not knowing exactly how to merge onto it, I keep getting this nagging feeling that there's another sign life is giving me that I should be paying attention to right now and it reads, "Now leaving Los Angeles. Thanks for hanging, dude."
So I think it's time for me to stop and see if I can ask for directions. Now I don't know if this is going to help but today I found a meditation center in WeHo and they have an introduction talk next weekend. True, as a white-trash kid from rural Indiana, I'm probably not suppose to believe in Zen, Buddhist, Hippie nonsense like meditation but it does seem like a very LA thing to do. And if I can calm down the conversation in my head then we might begin to make some progress.
Also, I found some classes offered through the LA Gay, Lesbian center. True, the 'snotty, bitchy, WeHo-elitist Sam' would look down on events from the gay community center but, thankfully, that's one of the chapters that's closing in my life. Bu-bye.
I am definitely on my way somewhere new that I haven't been before. I've hit a couple speed bumps and fell into a pot hole or two before but those roads are behind me. And while I'm anxious to see what's in-store next for this journey, it's time now for me to pull over, gas up, pick up a protein bar, and ask some people what they know. I need more information. It's not really be about their answers. It's about asking the questions.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
About Me
Subscribe To
Posts
All Comments
