Charging Through Life

Robert S. Watkins is worthless!

(and I couldn't be happier)

It really only took 90-seconds for the State of California to render me legally worthless. Waiting in line was more painful then the actual sentencing. And it was not really that much of a blow to my moral center to be deemed worthless; I cracked little jokes and made people around me chuckle.

I guess now that it has been decided that I legally am worth nothing and I have nothing to give comes the hard part... identifying what I am worth and what I have to give. You see, I look at this whole bankruptcy as one giant reset. The CTR+ALT+DELETE buttons of my life have been pressed and I get to try again. I am no longer living in the negative, yet I am far away still from the positive. But at least I have been reset to zero. Going now forward -- that is the objective.

I can't begin to tell you how long I have felt undervalued. As a kid I was told I wasn't as smart as the other students and I needed, "special attention." I actually believed that shit! That worth-less feeling followed me through high school and college where I never forced myself to strive for the 'A' when a 'C' was perfectly acceptable. And onto adulthood, when guys show interest in me I would find flaws to make myself seem less desirable or would play out the relationship in my head to see how it would end - and that was before even agreeing to a first date. For years, I have been doing to myself what the creditors were doing to me: pushing myself further in the negative. For the greater part of my life I've done what the State of California just did to me in 90-seconds: passed judgement on myself based on other people's standards.

Fuck them!

Today I am at zero and I commit to myself to no longer be negative!

I have this second chance to go in any direction I chose. Sure, I have no fucking clue where to go from here, but at least I recognize that now is the time to do something - anything. And being the hard-headed guy I am, I intend to charge in this new direction MY way. Which means no more debt - emotionally or financially. No more putting the needs and wants of others before my own. If I have learned anything, it is that the world is a greedy, greedy place. It is time for me to be greedy too! And I plan on being greedy with my good health, greedy with my career, greedy in surrounding myself with fun and positive friends, greedy with my time and charity for worthy causes, and greedy with my kindness towards others. (note: explore this theme of greed in a later blog - I really like it :-D )

question:

Ok, Sam, you have successfully (and surprisingly) motivated yourself through writing this entry, which ended in a very different way then it started. *pat on the back* Where will you go from here, little one? How do you go from zero to positive? What will you do now that your life has been reset and is starting back up?

answer:

As I've said, this blog is not only a way for me to keep track of my progress towards better financial health, but also my quest to better physical health. I have all the tools and the knowledge I need to be fit, strong, and hot. Hell, I've worked at a fitness company now for more than 2.5 years and still look like I did coming out of college. I have access to comprehensive programs, a gym, trainers, and nutritionists. I have no excuse other than I'm hard-headed and consumed with solving the big problems in my life instead of focussing on the more obtainable ones.

My physical health and appearance must to be elevated to a higher priority in my life. I'm a broke, 33y/o sing gay man living in WeHo; it's the equivalent to a single woman in her mid-40's... a dating desert.

At work, when we look at fitness transformation success stories, you can always identify the turning point; that moment when a person wakes up and says "enough is enough - I'm going to get healthy." I've had many of those moments. And yet it's as if I've also had a little devil sitting on my shoulder the entire time derailing my goals. I always somehow give myself a pass to working out. I say, "I hate the gym," "I'm no good at it," "I'm tired," "I'm stressed," "I need a break from fitness because it's my work which I despise"...... But who are those lame excuses hurting in the end? I'll never get back those days, those weeks, the past 2.5 years of my life when I could have been committing to a healthier Sam but instead making excuses. So I start today (again).

Let's set some goals. I haven't stepped on a scale because I want my goals here to be based on consistency and not weight or BMI. However, working for Beachbody does have it's advantages. We just started our second "Employee 90-Day Workout Challenge" and with it came hydrostatic body fat testing. On Sept. 18th, I weighed 148.75lbs, had 21.4% body fat and a lean body mass of 78.6%. While I don't want to focus on it, I am going to document here today that in 90-days, I would like to be down to 15% body fat. (editorial note: nobody at work who got this test believes the numbers. They seem higher than they should.)

GOAL

Focus on the things in my life I have the power to change. By taking advantage of the opportunities afforded me, commit to making positive improvements in my life that will improve my health, my situation, and my attitude and will foster a lifetime of personal growth and development.

OBJECTIVES

1. Incorporate daily exercise into my life routine... at least once a day.
2. Complete a Beachbody 90-Day fitness program (or tailored program)
3. Improve my nutrition choices

With all the issues that have plagued me as of late, I've been going round and round about how to fix them. And like my Dad, I start with the biggest problem; the one that seems like the biggest challenge and thus the most rewarding to conquer. In my thinking, "if I can just fix this one big issue, all the other little problems in my life will work themselves out." This is why I've keep insisting on trying to fix my career situation for the past 6 years.

I never know where I'm suppose to end up in my career but I know that it's not where I am at any given point. So I keep working on the problem. I seek out new opportunities, I attempt to position myself to other department heads, I write up proposals, I work on projects outside of my responsibility, I demonstrate what I can do if only people would tap my potential. I've been attacking this problem ever since Technicolor - maybe even as far back as Duplitech.

And what have I gotten for my effort? Well people like me. Everyone thinks of me as smart and good with computers. They come to me with their questions and are grateful when I explain how to do new things. I've been challenged a little throughout the years but not nearly enough as I should be. I've been able to pass on knowledge and train some new kids right out of college. (are we bored with this yet 'cause I am)

So what am I doing wrong?

I'm tackling the issue for which I have no control over. I can't give myself a promotion. I can't give myself a raise. I can't walk into a new company and have them hire me. I have no direct control over the course of my career. Unless I go into business for myself I only can influence and guide the outcome of my future through my actions, attitude, and connections. But so far, despite my best actions, I've gotten bupkis.

Expending all my energy on trying to change thing for which I have no direct control over is diverting my attention from other goals in my life.

I need to focus on the low hangers in my life. I can change my spending habits. I can chose to eat natural and healthy foods. I can commit to an exercise routine. I can reduce my alcohol intake when going out. I can walk up and talk to new, hot boys... All these are problems for me but they're the easy shit. The stuff I have direct control over and can easily tackle. And yet, I have been ignoring them to focus on the one big thing.

If I stroke these low hangers and give them some much needed attention, then maybe the big, long, tough shaft - the mother of all my problems and desires - will cum much easier. Hell, maybe it will explode all over the place without me even touching it. Hot!

I'm not typically one to make grand generalizations about a group or class of people but I'm confident in my statement that rich people are stupid.

And it goes beyond vehicular incompetence. I can't name one high-level VP or executive at my company who knows how to put together a Power Point presentation. Just today I posted two videos online for our CEO to review at home. I sent a link to one of the pages. It contained the video and a simple text link at the top of a very simple page to go to the other video he needed to review. Clearly labeled, nothing fancy or complex, it was a simple black page with a white text link saying the title of the next video. Click and Load nothing fancy or complicated. But could he be bothered with such simplistic details? Something so intuitive a 5-year-old would understand? No. I'm talking about a dude here worth millions. And he's not some stogy old bank CEO mother fucker who's as old as dirt, either. I'm talking about a young, hard-working CEO who's put together a vast business and who is fairly plugged-in. A young(er), rich mother fucker who should be able to point-and-click.

Now I know what you are thinking. "Sam, you're a natural tech-geek, this sorta stuff comes naturally to you. And there are things that come natural to these folks that you wouldn't consider knowing." Blah. Blah. Blah. This is my blog, not theirs, so I'm going to make whatever grandiose and over-the-top statements I want such as, "How hard could it be to sit and tell people what to do all day? I could do their job in a heart-beat!"

OK. I'm being silly.

Growing up a gay boy in Indiana, I'm no stranger to prejudice. I'm a fairly forgiving and understanding person who's able to allow for cultural and sociological differences in others as I always hope others' will extend the same courtesy to me being the raging fudge packer that I am. But when I notice only bad drivers are in expensive cars, or that high-paid executives just can't be bothered with the most simplistic tasks, I can't help but wonder if I'm prejudice against the rich?

I mean, I really am beginning to believe that the more money you have = the less common since you have. Though I can NOT stand by the opposite of my statement and suggest that pore people are smart - not in the least (reference: any gay-basher or rally against universal healthcare). But I can say with certainty that some of the most intelligent people I've ever known are not at all rich. They're usually old dudes from the mid-west who know how to fix damn near everything, understand human nature and why people do what they do, and they can have an informed conversation about politics with their own down-home spin on the topic. Some real "salt-of-the-earth" farts, you know.

It's this sorta' common since that I think is lost on people who aren't concerned with money or work or the likes. It's as though the more life gives you, the less street-smarts is required of you. And it's that 'common knowledge' (which is not so common) which I value in others far more than having book-smarts.

So I'm just saying... don't become rich, people. It will dumb you down.