Charging Through Life

And it starts again. I don't know if anyone actually reads this blog, but even I'm tired of listening to me talk about today's topic: exercise. I get all pumped up and proclaim in a big way that I'm going to transform my body into a hot, sexy, ripped gay machine only to get distracted a few weeks into my new fitness routine. Yet as it was with so many blog entries before this, today I will be making yet another grand statement proclaiming big plans for my improved health and fitness (feel free to use this time to think about your own life and goals because, folks, you've heard all this before from me).

It has been 3 years, 9 months, and 6 days since I was first introduced to P90X when I was hired by Beachbody. And in that entire time I have yet to complete the 90-day program! Oh, sure, I've started it more times than I care to think - I've just never finished it. Something distracts me, I get stressed out, I see something shiny to play with.... who knows what my problem is. It has also been 6 months and 5 days since I hit a gym of any kind including Barry's Bootcamp. Obviously, lately I have not had the proper focus for.... hey look at this cool, pretty thing!

So after putting on some extra weight and having KC point out that my gut is starting to look like my Dad's, I've realized that it's time to get back to work! I started out on Saturday with the P90X "Cardio X." Not a particularly difficult program; it has a little bit of everything from yoga, kempo, and core. Easy peasey. But sunday morning I was woken up by my sore muscles -- like the kind of pain I would expect after an intense bootcamp workout, not a few minutes of fucking Cardio!

But sticking to it, I popped in P90X "Kenpo" on Sunday. I've never done this disc; I've never stuck with the program long enough to make it to this one. Kenpo is all martial arts punch and kick training. No weights, no resistance, just punching air. I quickly found out that I don't know how to throw a punch - I punch like a girl! But I stuck with it and didn't give up.

This morning, more sore muscles. Seriously, what is this? The fucking air kicked my ass! What?

I popped in P90X "Shoulders & Back" and grabbed my 20lbs weights which use to be no problem to wield through the full workout. Half-way through I had to drop down to 10lbs.  I am SUCH a little girl!

What is the lesson in all this? Exercise is like breathing: you really can't stop for too long or else you're going to find yourself in trouble. So I am gong to take a deep breath and push through the pain this week and ramp up to a very serious workout schedule. My plan is to get myself up to 2-hours a day and keep that up (as much as possible) until my birthday at the end of May. For my 35th birthday I want to do a sexy photo shoot with celebrity photographer Adam Bouska. And one of the photos will be me wearing boxing gloves or something hot and manly (provided I learn how to throw a punch by then).

Until that time, I am going to stay resilient, do the work, stay motivated and know that tomorrow I'm going to be in so much pain.

What would you do if you won the lottery tomorrow? Everyone has that dream of what they would do, how they would change their life if, magically, one day they had more money than they ever thought possible. And you hear the stories all the time: some poor factory worker or office pool in Pahrump, Nevada holds the single winning lottery ticket worth millions and their lives are now forever changed.

My jackpot fantasy includes much of the normal stuff as everyone else. I would quit my job, buy some new clothes, maybe buy a condo, get a trainer, invest my money - very important for long term sustainability, and maybe start a business of some kind.

Then the other day it hit me.... I'm living that life! (minus the Brink's Truck full of cash, of course).

While my real-life isn't turning out as grand as I had fantasized, the fact remains that I did quit my job this year (by getting fired), I own my condo (sorta/barely), I bought new clothes (from H&M), I have a trainer (who I haven't seen since April), I know how to invest money (just need to do it), and I have my own business and am on the verge of starting a company (both of which aren't making money yet).

Clearly I am on my way to a blissful life!  ....OK, so the reality still needs a little bit of work to look like the fantacy. But isn't it cool that I'm living out this fantasy life others are still only dreaming?

And then it hit me... so what happens now? What comes next in this fantasy life? Once you have the superficial material crap, what should you want next?

I began reading Chris Guillebeau's book, The Art of Non-Conformity from his manifesto, "A Brief Guide to World Domination." In each he suggests that the two most important question in the universe are:  1) "What do you really want to get out of life?" 2) "What can you offer the world that no one else can?" Those two questions have me very much stumped right now. I don't know the answer to either one! What I want out of life seems to change, like daily (just read this blog and you'll see). And once I'm confident of what I can bring the the world's table, something comes along that makes me question my abilities.

It comes down to a matter of passion. If you have passion in your life, those two universal questions become easy to answer. Without a passion in your life, you're doomed to just blow all your lottery winnings on fake tacky gold chotchkies and live a miserable life hoping for more money to solve your growing problems. It happens all the time to the factory worker in Pahrump who wins the lottery, as well as the corporate executive in Bentonville who works 80-hour weeks behind a desk. I don't want to live like that! I want to live for something more!

So as we are nearing the end of 2010 and I am contemplating my future path and goals for 2011 and beyond, I find myself contemplating the need for passion and am trying to figure out what I am passionate about. Any ideas?

To hang out inside my brain is to hang out in a very noisy place full of contradiction. When I'm seriously thinking about my life, which is often these days, it's a full-blown argument up there. Seriously, I would not be shocked one bit if I were to one day be diagnosed as schizophrenic because I can hold entire conversations with myself, in my head, and have completely opposing viewpoints... from myself.

This weekend I was going over in my head the recent decision to cast safety aside and throw all my effort into a new online business venture with my business partner, Richard. We are starting an online membership site to teach people the art of glamour photography as a hobby and as a noble way to meet people. And yet, as it is with my life these days, as soon as one good opportunity presents itself, another good offer comes right around the corner. I am scheduled for an interview with Technicolor tomorrow for a customer service director position where I would re-locate to Virginia for 6 months before settling permanently in LA. And, no, doing both is not an option - I have to choose between them.

"What an awful predicament to find yourself in," you might be thinking, dear reader. Here I am with no job currently, and yet have two great options to choose from. "Oh the perils of being Sam at this moment in time."

But actually, having options is stressful. My choices will take me in two completely opposite directions. There is A) the safe corporate route which ensures me a steady paycheck that is more than I have ever made in any one place in my life, but will be boring and creatively stifling --- or option B) starts an entirely un-charted venture where unprecedented success or failure is mine to achieve all on my own and nothing is guaranteed  - and the odds are stacked against me.

So as I am pondering the merits of both options in my mind, the argument is posed seemingly from nowhere, "why do you always go for the more difficult route in life, asshole?" (Understand that I have no idea where that argument came from which is why it's entirely possible that I'm clinically crazy - and, yes, my brain calls me names sometimes so there's that I need to figure out with my shrink).

But crazy or not, the depths of my consciousness had a point: why not just go for the safe, easy choice? Do I always need to make my life more difficult?

There is an excellent chance I am being naive here, but there's one thing I know to be certain: nobody ever made it big by playing things safe. Problem with that line of reasoning is that we only hear about the major success stories in life and not the major failures. So, again the question is posed, do I go big or go safe?

I suppose I should count my blessings and recognize that, though I may fail, I owe it to myself and The Universe to at least try this more dangerous venture. Complacency can be an awful and infectious condition that grows throughout a society. Effort and hard work are not always rewarded, but satisfaction can only be gained from the effort. Or as my Dad would more simply put it, "If it were easy they would let women and children do it."

So I guess what I'm saying here is that I'm going to go for that which is difficult and try something big, something hard, something dangerous. I am going to test my wits and creativity and see if I can make something out of nothing. And in 6 to 8 months time I will look back at this blog entry and figure out if I chose correctly or if I should have listened to the argument raging inside my head - even if it does make me out to be a wack-a-doo.