Sunday, February 14, 2010
I ♥ me
I wasn't going to write an entry today (I'm suppose to be cleaning right now but far be it from me to find any excuse to avoid that chore). But it's Valentine's Day and I thought something should be said.
It's becoming more and more apparent, in my early 30's, that all my friends are more seriously parring off. You've got lifers like Brian & Drew who actually have rings, then the are the newer relationships like KC & AL who, for the record, I think are good for each other. I'm not saying I want to be dating someone right now; quite the opposite - I'm actively avoiding relationships in-order to spend the time needed to improve myself.
But there is one person who I want to say, "I love you" to today. ME!
I've been pretty tough on myself for a while. And though this tough love will continue, I want to just stop on this made up holiday to remind myself that I've made some positive changes and improvements. There is still so much more to go, but sometimes I discount what I've already done. So allow me to whisper a few of these forget me not's:
It's becoming more and more apparent, in my early 30's, that all my friends are more seriously parring off. You've got lifers like Brian & Drew who actually have rings, then the are the newer relationships like KC & AL who, for the record, I think are good for each other. I'm not saying I want to be dating someone right now; quite the opposite - I'm actively avoiding relationships in-order to spend the time needed to improve myself.
But there is one person who I want to say, "I love you" to today. ME!
I've been pretty tough on myself for a while. And though this tough love will continue, I want to just stop on this made up holiday to remind myself that I've made some positive changes and improvements. There is still so much more to go, but sometimes I discount what I've already done. So allow me to whisper a few of these forget me not's:
- I'm paying cash for everything these days and living quite well without excess
- I'm networking and job hunting aggressively
- I've gone at least one great interview and, even though it didn't turn in my favor, I remain hopeful, positive, and resilient
- I'm living a cleaner social life having given up harsh drugs and significantly scaled back on 'lighter' drugs and excessive alcohol
You know, yesterday I was with a group of friends on a party bus to Temecula. Inside my head were all the negative and self-loathing thoughts that I've become accustom to. I looked around at my friends who are thinner than me, who are more fit than me, who are more confident than me, who are more successful than me, who are happier and I tell myself that I've got to be more aggressive with my 10 for X list so that I too can be better - be like the others. And while part of that is true (I have been lazy and undisciplined on my goals these month-and-a-half) I failed to love the me that I am.
Should I had stepped outside of my noisy head for a second to take a look around, I would have seen a different picture. I'd see a true friend who is funny and a good sport. I'd see someone who's agreeable and easy to get along with. I'd see someone who is popular but not elitist. I'd see someone who has a plan, is determined, and is striving.
It's so easy to look at the negative and the flaws of my life, especially in the middle of a "complete financial & life restructuring project." But I do need to stop every-so often and love the me that I am right now and today. And that love needs to be unconditional: loving my faults as well as the cute stuff.
So I DO have someone special in my life on this Hallmark holiday. Someone who I CAN rely on to be there and to find the answers. Someone who's creative, intelligent, kinda cute when he trys, and a really good guy who will eventually make a good boyfriend for someone someday.
OK, enough of this love bullshit. Now get to work, asshole!
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